fate ～ (tragic)

Sedoka is a Japanese form older than the Haiku by over 100 years. It is actually two or more verses joined into one with a syllable-count of 5/7/7-5/7/7, etc; no rhymes or capitalization, any topic.

       tiny flame-flickers

          piercing farthest deepest dark

             life’s wings seduced to unfurl

       flitting circling

          drawn ever nearer each beat

              gossamer spanning veins burnt

       falling in spirals

          eternal alluring sighs

              thus love's dreams each borning die

           rwjenkins

              ©2015

Author's Note

Honest, constructive reviews, please.

Reviews

[George Coombs]

Beautiful writing, for me a celebration of life a part of which is, of course death which I think of as moving from one kind of life/existence to another, the first two lines "do the job" for me, a lovely idea of a tiny flame in deepest dark for me, an indication that hope is always there even if difficult to see sometimes. I had never heard of Sedoka before.A well chosen image and all in all a great learning experiience for me.Thankyou Richard

[Richard🖌]

Gosh, George!
I sure am glad to have found your deeply meaningful review, and to be blessed by such expressions of enjoyment and understanding.

Bless you with many welcomes and my most gracious gratitude, my keen-minded friend! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Red Brick Keshner]

Feels a bit more developed perhaps due to its greater length. Still a short poem but not as short as the rest. Or perhaps it extends more as it still provides a similar 'haiku' type feel.

[Richard🖌]

Thank you once more, Frederick,

For another read and review of my humble Oriental poetic efforts.
Yes, this one includes that additional third verse, delivering the complete metaphoric message that, "In love, be mindful that giving oneself too completely to the wrong source, its flame can burn and turn to tragedy."

Most grateful thanks for your generous attention, Sir Frederick … congratulations on becoming a father! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[NotUsinganymore]

Interesting poem. Found it a bit confusing but I enjoyed the words you used.

[Richard🖌]

Hi, My Fine Friend,
I am so happy you've enjoyed my simple words, but I must humbly and sincerely apologize for this poem's confusion … please, allow me to explain:
This poem is in nuance to the saying, "Drawn like the moth to a flame." The phrase is a simple allusion to the well-known attraction that moths have to bright lights. The word moth was used the the 17th century to mean someone who was apt to be tempted by something that would lead to their downfall. This is referred to by Shakespeare in "The Merchant of Venice", 1596: "Thus, hath the candle singed the moth."

With most grateful appreciation, Sir Jung Lee! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[NotUsinganymore]

Thank you very much for your description about it. I enjoyed it! Maybe I should read more? lol

[Richard🖌]

You are so very welcome, Sir.
And, it may be that my poetry should be more easy to understand. : )

[NotUsinganymore]

Thanks c: It will be easier to understand now

[kitty]

Thank you for sharing this meaningful piece with us dear sir. Inside those flames there burn a passion that consumes as it burns, one that's never known before. Words expressed here can take one to that place of sweet repose and of thoughts of what could have been. Have a good week ahead M'lord!

[Richard🖌]

Kitty,
You are always welcome to any of my pieces, and I thank you most sincerely for your shared thoughts and words of understanding, praise, and appreciation.

With warmest hugs! ⁓ Richard 🍃

[Jade]

This is interesting and intriguing, I enjoyed the read

[Richard🖌]

It is, indeed, a happy moment to find your name in review to one of my humble poems.

Thank you ever-so warmly, Brandie✨ ⁓ Richard

[¿]

This got something deep relatable and connected to past lives I feel...The use of verse is just terrific!
And the word "borning die" is splendidly blew mind...Great read...thanks for sharing☺ have to look up more from you!

[Richard🖌]

Quite wonderful, Tahsin,
The way you have of speaking so beautifully of my poetry, how you so deeply feel it, and your accolades breath life into the meaning of joy.
What more could a poet wish for from his reader?
What a lovely thought, that you'll be looking up more of my pieces.

It is I who thank You, Tahsin … big hugs! ⁓ Richard : )

[¿]

Maybe that's the bond readers and writers share of...feeling deep of emotions! You're welcome Richard!!😊

[J. J. Nightingale]

Oh my.... First, the image is beautiful.... and a perfect choice for your wonderful Sedoka..

Richard, I suggest you write many more, in this style..
I love every word..............

Jazzy

[Richard🖌]

Oh, Lady Jasmine,
To receive this level of appreciative praise and warm approval from such an accomplished poetess, truly makes my heart sing and dance with grateful joy!
I, too, adore the image for its beauty, and that it helps set the poem's mood and ambiance.
For you, I would love to write more in this form, and I would love it even more if you wrote a Sedoka in your own hand. : )

Thank you dearly, Jasmine … you're a lovely star ✨ ⁓ Richard

[J. J. Nightingale]

You are welcome... I may give it a try.. may need a little guidance .....:)....

[Richard🖌]

I'm always at your behest.

[Einstein Noodle]

the moth/flame metaphor is refreshed in you poem ...really like your third line ... the irony of all life is its death ...a good thing to ponder says i! not nearly talked of enough ... last night it occurred to me how easily human death is generally accepted but never a thought to the earth, the universe ... i suppose while we keep those bodies more or less immortal ...there can be hope for human kind ... lots of thoughtful expression Richard ... i have read a few sedoka here at the cafe but still appreciate the lesson as i forget "stuff" sometimes ;) well fitted title and pic is mesmerizing
E.

[Richard🖌]

Well, My Friend,
Here I am late again, stumbling onto another review the site failed to let me know about … LOL!
I guess it's my "fate" to be a delinquent responder to your always amazing, expressively insightful, meaningful, entertaining, and inspiring reviews.
Not many get the core essence of this piece, but you seem to have breezed right into it as though you had written it yourself … remarkable, your insights, Gene.
I wonder why more of us don't seem to come to terms with death, dwell more on the miracle of the evolving stars and planets, all life appearing, disappearing … death is so inevitable, we should come to be better, in more familiar terms with it … befriend it, so to say.

Ha-hah!
You always get my mind stirring; thanks for the brilliant review, My Fine Friend … brightest blessings! ⁓ Richard : )

[Einstein Noodle]

yes ..i agree whole-heartedly sir! it is a constant companion ... a friend once dread fear is dissipated :) it is a bit maddening when others comment and the "site" doesn't give the proper heads up .. happens at times to me too ... >:/

[Tazeen Ahmed]

Thank you for introducing 'sedoka'.
This is intricately etched with emotions and each line had in-depth beauty.
"eternal alluring sighs"

[Richard🖌]

Thank you, Tazeen, ever-so happily and gratefully. : )
You are very welcome, too, for an introduction to the Japanese Sedoka form.
The essence of our comments allows me to know we've connected on a deeper, more meaningful level, as your lovely compliment is warmly inspiring.

You honor me! ⁓ Richard : )

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Richard,
"Fate-(Tragic)This writing was a contrast between the dark of hopelessness and the allure of realized expectations. We live in both places in this life.
A heart trys to fly, to find a place of comfort-belonging and love. We try; we also at times fail; thus,"Tiny flame flickers.....Drawn ever nearer each beat." and "gossamer spanning veins burnt."
A great thinking piece.
Blessings,
Kathy

[Richard🖌]

Goodness, Kathy!*
Few (if any) I know of delves and perceives more deeply the core essence and intricacies of a poem than you do, and surely none possess the ability to do so in the enlightening and inspiring manner in which you so skillfully render.
I've always thought that if there is but a single reader who grasps, is inspired to convey it clearly, and appreciates the meaning(s) of any one of my poems, then, I consider that piece to be a successful effort … you most certainly have accomplished all that, and more.

*Your blessings are received, and joyfully, warmly, gratefully reciprocated with sincere thank you hugs, Dear Kathy! ⁓ Richard : )

[Kathy Van Kurin]

Richard,
Oh gosh, I am really humbled. I don't hardly think I am all that, but gosh thank you and just know that you have a wonderful gift in your writing. It is so nice to be challenged in reading and analyzing a piece like this. I hope you have a good day and even coming days. Your response is a great encouragement too.
Thanks again for your thoughtful response.
Kathy

[Richard🖌]

Every word inspired by You! : )