This Story Is Not About A Girl

Save the universe, learn how to dance

This Story Is Not About A Girl

Richard Culleton

You wake up. A strange feeling comes over you making you think today is going to be a weird day; and it’s not just the blood painted words “today is gonna be weird” on your wall. So you get up, put some Phonat on your cassette player because you’re indie as s**t, and go make breakfast. Your friend Matt is sitting in the middle of your apartment reading a book about lucid dreaming and you start to wonder how he got in. Then you see the broken down door and ask Matt why he’s all up in your jam-zone.

“I wanted to do some jammin’,” he says as he taps his foot to the new Phonat record you’re bumping out of the boom box.

“Well you can’t just break in here and jam whenever you feel like.” you say.

“Why not?” asks Matt.

You genuinely consider why Matt can’t just come in whenever he wants and arrive at the conclusion that he deserves that privilege.

“Never mind, it’s fine” you say. “Just make sure to lock the door when you leave.”

You are about to leave the apartment and right as you get to your car a thought strikes you. You have no friend named Matt, and that man in your apartment is up to some biz. So you sprint upstairs in a slight panic hoping he hasn’t touched any of your synthesizers. Matt has completely rearranged your apartment and has all 4 of your synthesizers set up in the middle of the room. Matt dances in wearing your sweater and headphones and you notice he’s listening to the new Madeon single, a week before its release. You’re furious, you’re about to show Matt how they do it back East. But he just slides next to you with a remote in his hand, puts it up and presses a button. A disco ball comes down from the ceiling and Matt starts playing a bass synth that would make your mama cry. Hell she’s in the corner crying and you don’t even know how she got there because your mom lives in Chicago. Matt’s punching leads out with dual oscillators you didn’t know were on the human spectrum of sound. Your mind is blown. So many questions race through your mind until he turns up the modulation and starts rocking on the vox. Damn.

After Matt finishes shattering your religious beliefs into a million pieces he speaks.

“I can teach you, but you have to be ready for anything.” Matt says.

A single tear rolls down your cheek; some Karate Kid s**t was happening and you were late for work at Noodles and Co. Matt was resonating some cosmic-energy jazz and you knew if you were going to impress that cute French girl at the dance, you needed his jazz. Matt grabs you by the shoulder and mutters something about not having much time and you turn to find yourself in a coffee shop.

Naturally you’d go up and order an iced chai like a little girl, but you’re feeling adventurous. The attractive, indie-looking barista is noticing your confidence as you walk up and ask for a coffee. She asks how you want it. You bet your sweet a*s you said “Dark roast. Black.” without any hesitation, you don’t even get to make that decision. Matt glances at you over the top of his sunglasses and gives a snappy finger-gun at you and you look at him twice because you can’t believe he’s that cool. You both get highly caffeinated after downing 3 shots of espresso and you’re ready to start your journey. Matt peaces out of the coffee shop and you follow him into the middle of a courtyard. He hands you an iPod Classic with 6,000 songs on it.

An energy flows through you as you take it and get a tingly feeling at the tip of your nose. “Rad!” you say.

Matt takes a step backward. He says “Let’s go” as he takes his sunglasses off and they dematerialize out of his hand.

You suddenly have headphones on and a song that makes you feel like a sunset starts playing. Matt is driving you down a long highway and tells you he needs help saving the world. You’re too preoccupied with how cool and retro this iPod classic is to pay attention so you just laugh and nod to seem cool. The car arrives at a house on the side of a cliff facing the lake, you both get out of the car and start walking in while your mind is massaged by some neat beats.

You walk into Matt’s house and find yourself facing 3 golden retrievers and a man with a bad a*s beard.

“Oh he’s just my roommate, don’t worry about him.” says Matt.

The bearded man raises his arms to his sides and the golden retrievers sprint into the front yard as he follows. You don’t know how aroused you should be at this spectacle. Matt shows you around the house, his room has a wall of instruments, a hammock, a yoga mat and a poster that says “Ego Deaths Are Cool”. You’re giddy with excitement as Matt slides up to you just like he did in the apartment and presses a button. A disco ball comes out of the ceiling and starts spinning while Flying Lotus’s music opens up your deeper subconscious.

You start thinking that Matt is probably a wizard, there’s no other explanation. You bet he probably hangs out in the fourth dimension and plays beach volleyball with Kevin Spacey.

“Hey man do you want some OJ or something before we start?” asks Matt.

You make a mental note to start offering people OJ when they come over because it sounds neat as hell. “oh god yes” you quickly reply.

Matt comes back with the juice and you down that sweet nectar like your alcoholic sister’s mojitos. Elementary school was some wild stuff. You can feel the OJ pulsing energy throughout your being, ripping your third eye open like Shiva on cocaine. You accidentally just watched a full explanation of quantum theory in 5, Matt notices your gaping mouth and realizes it’s working faster than he intended. He puts the headphones on you and the iPod in your hand. You press play and a low wave of sound starts making its way to your serotonin receptors.

The buildup starts, you’re sitting in Matt’s hammock which is now hanging from a tree. Your feet lean on the tree and as the song begins to pull you into hyperspace your Earth body disintegrates. Space and time move under you and the waves of music guide you through the multiverse. A man runs up to you, or was it the other way around? Either way, he or you pulls out a gun and shoots either you or he in the face. Your ego is destroyed in seconds and you become the hyperspace around you. Then, for what feels like a thousand years, you are taught fourth dimensional physics and the fractal concept.

You hear your name echo and you suddenly remember every aspect of your being. The room constructs itself in front of you like that one Matrix movie. Matt is nowhere to be found, the room looks ransacked and a trail of blood is leading out the door. You jump out of the hammock and try to clear your head of geometric patterns and the concept of infinity. Your watch beeps, you  notice a day has passed and the dance is in 2 hours.

You follow the trail of blood to the basement of Matt’s house. Matt is fighting back the dark matter that is about to consume the entire universe. What do you do?

1. Try to reason with it.

2. Grab the espresso machine on the wall and take a few shots.

3. Dance like it hurts to stand still.

Option 1: Try to reason with it.

You say "hey buddy" in a somewhat patronizing tone. The dark matter didn't respond very well. So you walk up and ask it about its day, whats going on in its life and things like that. The dark matter turns and materializes a sad face. You guys have a conversation.

You learn that his wife just left him and he's just been in a terrible mood so he decided why not take over the universe. So you try to tell him that that's no way to solve a real problem and he needs to talk things out. The dark matter backs off of Matt and he yelled at you to get down. Matt pulls out a cannon looking thing and aims it at the dark matter. But he's too slow, the dark matter explodes and covered the entire room and consumes your body. You and Matt wake up in a multi-dimensional prison guarded by Mecha-Poseidon. You’re both charged with “Conspiring against the well being of infinity” and are forced to write K Pop until K Pop becomes the only acceptable music genre.

You let the universe die.

Option 2: Espresso Machine

You make a triple espresso that would get any skilled barista on your bod in 5 seconds. With the power of caffeine surging through your nervous system and the last of the OJ wearing off, you become a ball of self-aware cosmic energy.

The dark matter sees you, but not before you shoot some mad-chill vibes at the center of its being. Matt only lost a hand but that just makes him cooler because he can wear a hook. Matt tells you to look into his third eye, which sounds a bit weird at first but you go with it anyways. He gives you his powers and materializes your body in front of the cute french girl's house. You just saved the universe and she's mildly impressed and lets you hold her hand. Cue sunset.

Option 3: Dance

You groove on down to that dark matter and show it the power of music. There's a beat in your soul and it's going to save the universe. Matt sees what you're doing and tries to join in and the dark matter starts moving away. Your moves are too good for it and dark matter can't keep up. The beat controls your body into an array of interpretive ceremonial dance and disco. You open your eyes and the dark matter is gone, you have that french girl in your arms, and Matt is in the middle of a dance floor showing people how it's done. You can only dream of being as cool as Matt but you accomplished more than you thought you ever could.