Lost

Our mother weeps...
Soiled, in despair, her children detached...
Scaring her with our crude distorted veiw...
She's profanely reproduced...
The flowers are melancholy...
Cemented in her man made tomb...
She's forever forgotten and doomed...

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

I read this a couple of times and also the other comments. I see it a couple of different ways, but the one most prominent in my mind is that of someone standing over their mother's grave, speaking to her. I see a lot of folks trying to capture a bit of Poe, (and usually failing) but whether you intended it or not, I sense a definite Poe-esque quality here.

[Rich13White]

Being compared to Poe is flattering...I thank you very much Good Sir...

[Jeannette Lunete]

Very profound visualisation of the deepest concern and sadness. Ellipses after every verse make the amount of interpretations grow but captivate still the basic emotion. Well done. :)

[Revolutionary]

poor earth.I love her so much.Why am I so wrong to her.I feel you.Great poem.

[Ashfallen]

Wow, dark. I'm not exactly sure how to take this, which leads me to take it a couple ways. Piquing my interest, indeed.

Nitpick: "veiw" sould be "view"

[My_Obsidian_Eye]

as other comments have said reminds me of poe, was a interesting read, many interpretations. kudos.

[rach]

I agree with Samuel I can see a Poe-esque quality in this piece.
I enjoy the way you piece words together.
I struggle to understand the context though, I don't know if thats just me..

[Alfred Kukitz]

You have an honesty which is admirable but shaken by an egotistical view.

[Regina K. Pride]

I really like this poem. It's dark and a little sad but the imagery connected to those feelings is very strong. Here are some suggestions you might want to look at:

Our mother weeps...
Soiled, in despair,
we are detached...
Scaring her with our crude distorted view...
profanely reproduced...
The flowers melancholy...
Cemented in her tomb...
She's forever forgotten
sealed to her doom...

You may also want to make more use of rhyme. It could help smooth out the rhythm a bit more. Good job! :)

[MomzillaNC]

This is a very moving poem. You worked one of the phrases in beautifully; and kept it ambiguous. In fact, I think it might be TOO ambiguous. It spoke more, perhaps, of a mother abandoned in a nursing home, left to die alone by her children.

[Carol Blake]

I like the depth, the truth, the sadness. We truly are unloving and cruel to our mother. She raises us up, provides for us, tries to bring us joy with her daily beauty. Yet, we tear her down, we ignore her, we walk away, leaving her broken. I love this! It makes my heart ache.

[Rich13White]

Thanks Carol for your review...