Secret Lovers

Assignment One - Make Your Own Tragedy 1 - 2 Pages January 13, 2014

            “When will you ever teach me to drive?” was the first thing John heard when he walked through the door.  He reflected briefly on the days when his toddler son, now almost a grown man, would rejoice and run to greet him every day after work.

            “Where’s mom, Will?” John asked, putting aside his things and taking noticing of the mass of dirty dishes strewn about the room, the result of an eighteen-year-old’s hunger.

            “She’s at work again,” he replied, sitting up in his chair and turning off a medieval-aged looking television show that he had undoubtedly been watching all day. “She left a note,” he added, motioning to a yellow piece of paper stuck to the room’s mirror.  John read the note: it included details about another shift called in from the hospital, cooking instructions for the dinner that was in the oven, and that she didn’t know what time she would be home.

            “Well,” John said, anticipating his son’s next question, “I suppose now would be as good as time as ever to go driving. But clean up this mess!” he added quickly to Will, already half way to the door.

            John opened his phone and selected Lillian from his contacts.  She worked as a nurse and had been spending an increasing amount of time at the hospital lately.  She was what they called an “on-call” employee, but to John it seemed she worked more than he did.

            “Hey Lil, it’s me,” John said into his cell phone, “I just saw your note, thank you for making dinner.  We both know how much Will loves when I cook” he joked.  “I’m taking him out driving for a little while, so I’ll see you when I get back.  Wish us luck, I love you,” he finished, closing his phone and returning it to his pocket.

            As they loaded into the car, John spoke reminders about seatbelts, mirror checks, seat adjustments, and other preliminary safety precautions he was sure his son remembered. Admittedly, John did not feel comfortable wearing his own seat belt.  The belt dug in to his neck, and in this old car it could not be adjusted, so he went without.  In his hypocrisy, he always made his son to wear it. “Safety first,” he would recite.  Will wouldn’t argue, he knew, as long as he got the chance to drive.  They had only been out driving once or twice before, but in truth he noted remarkable progress in his son’s ability.  Will jerked out of the driveway, which made John question what he had just told himself.

            The ride thereafter was smooth, and John relaxed.  It was time, he thought, that they try something new.  “Take your next right,” he said to his son.

            “The highway?” Will asked in a tone that betrayed both excitement and uncertainty.

            “Yeah why not, we’ll surprise your mother at work.”  Will took the right and accelerated to the speed limit.  He merged onto the highway and continued on as if he had done it a hundred times before.  John felt more confident in his son, as well as a hint of pride in the boy he had raised.  A ring went in his pocket and Will looked over.

            “Eyes on the road, bud,” John reminded him.  John removed his phone, knowing already that it was Lily.  They had chosen the same ringtone long ago, the tune of Secret Lovers.  It the first song they had danced to together, and despite the many years of repetition it still brought sweet memories of youth and love to John each time he heard it. John opened his phone to a new text message.  “Oh,” John spoke aloud.  “Mom got off work early, we can turn back any time"” he stopped as he looked up and saw the deer in front of them.  John shouted, urging Will to turn, or break, or do something, and grabbed for the wheel, veering the car left.  The deer was avoided, though the oncoming car was not.  John heard the deafening sound of metal on metal before darkness took over.

            As John’s consciousness returned, the soft squeal of a siren and a slow, steady beep could be heard over light murmurings.  Where was he?  The answer was obvious when he opened his eyes and saw the stretcher in which he laid, lined beside another of the same.  He turned his head left and saw a paramedic conversing with a man in the front of the ambulance, muttering something about a driver that could not yet be removed.  Beside him, a sheet covered the entirety a person in the other stretcher.  John starred, refusing for a short while to believe that it might be his son. “Will” John thought to himself, the weight of the world pressed against him.

            John laid his head back; his entire body ached.  He tried to calm himself and think about what had happened.  He remembered had been ejected from the car, the price he paid to sit comfortably.  He grimaced at the fact that it may have saved his life.  “Lily,” he thought.  She would know what to say, he knew.  He needed her soft words now more than ever.  John reached into his pocket, slowly and deliberately, with his left arm; his right one appeared to be broken.  John opened his phone, selected Lillian from his contacts, and waited for the ring.  The phone connected, and to his side the familiar sound of Secret Lovers began, muffled beneath the sheet.

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

““When will you ever teach me to drive?” was the first thing John” – In order for this to follow the rules of quotation marks, just put an It in front of was the first thing. Otherwise the flow would be broken up and jarring to the reader.

“and taking noticing of the mass of dirty dishes strewn about the room, the result of an eighteen-year-old’s hunger.” – Is this is the living room/kitchen area of the family home or is this Will’s bedroom? To me, this sounds more like his bedroom rather than anything else, so maybe place a setting as to where this conversation is happening. Also, you could use noticing a mass of dirty dishes instead of how you have it so that way there won’t more than one “of” in the sentence, which will help the story to flow better.

““She’s at work again,” he replied,” – This sounds rather odd as if the mother usually doesn’t work. I know from later in this paragraph that she works at a hospital, but you might want to add that in here instead to clarify that she isn’t working some off the wall job and that she has a stable job. When I first read this, I thought maybe she was a street worker or a housewife that did chore like jobs for other people.

“paper stuck to the room’s mirror.” – I am having a really hard time putting a picture of this place in my head and this room’s mirror just adds to the confusion. Where in the room is the mirror? Is it above the tv? Above the couch? Give us some reference so that the readers can be in this place as well.

“John read the note: it included” – John read the note that included. Using a colon is unneeded her and makes your reader believe that they are about to read the note instead of getting a paraphrased version of it.

““But clean up this mess!” he added quickly as Will was already half way to the door.”

“John opened his phone and selected Lillian from his contacts. She worked as a nurse and had been spending an increasing amount of time at the hospital lately. She was what they called an“on-call” employee, but to John it seemed she worked more than he did.” – This paragraph seems a little over done. We have already gathered that she worked at a hospital and was spending more time than usual at the hospital. You can add in that she is an on call nurse earlier when Will is talking about her and say that “She was called in” instead of “She’s at work again” because then that gives us a better idea of their interactions with each other and how she is hardly home. This paragraph just seems like hitting your readers over the head with information that is foreshadowing what might happen.

““Hey Lil, it’s me,” John said into his cell phone, “I just saw your note, thank you for making dinner. We both know how much Will loves when I cook” he joked.” – I love everything about this part. It shows us that John loves his wife and that he is a real person. Even though he is joking about the cooking, there is a sadness about him that lingers through this whole passage. As a reader, I can tell that he misses his wife and calling her to reach her voicemail is the only way to hear her voice when he is feeling lonely.

“and in this old car it could not be adjusted,” – Show us this scene. What kind of old car is it?
“as he looked up and saw the deer in front of them.” – For me, a deer on this highway did not seem realistic at all. Since we are never really given any details about the highway or even what time of day this is all taking place, I envisioned at least a two to four lane highway in late afternoon. With that being said, I find it hard that Will had not seen the deer or seen other cars swerving to miss the deer. Living in a town where there are tons of deer all over the place, it is hard to imagine them just wandering out to a highway during the day. We need details in order for this to plausible. What state is this in? There are some states where this happens all the time, but you need to place it somewhere and possibly towards dusk since that is when the deer start coming out.

“Beside him, a sheet covered the entirety a person in the other stretcher. John starred, refusing for a short while to believe that it might be his son.” – You might want to look up policy for ambulances for this because I do not think that they would transport both of them in the same ambulance, especially if one was already deceased.


“John reached into his pocket, slowly and deliberately, with his left arm; his right one appeared to be broken.” – This is also another thing that you might want to look into. I am pretty sure that if you are in an accident and have to be put on a stretcher, then they strap your neck up in a brace making it almost impossible to move your head or neck at all and also they strap down your hands and legs so that way you can’t move in case your back is broken.

This ended very abruptly and we don’t even get to know if the son died as well. It’s alright to leave your audience in suspense, but gives us a little something to go on, like over hearing the ambulance drivers say something about his chances of survival. The direction of this piece was nicely done, but it seems as if you just need to slow done and focus a little more on what you trying to say. We need to be able to feel for these characters so when he loses his wife and possibly his son, we feel that pain and agony and terror with him when he hears that lover’s tune.

[Joey Beaton]

Wow, thank you so much for how much work you put in to this! Your input was incredible!
Thank you again!

[Taylapaige Nugent]

Love, love, love this! Such an amazing and tragic twist!