Always.

Alan Rickman. 1946-Always.

I've always loved playing the villain. The intricate complexity of the syndicate's mind is always something that has intrigued me, compared to the somewhat mundane first-world-problems of the hero. I realised this when I was around 9, reading the Harry Potter books for the first time; I loved the origins of Tom Marvolo Riddle, became fascinated with the specimen that we know and hate as Dolores Umbridge, and frankly, Lucius Malfoy's hair was to DIE for. However, after watching Batman, I realised that Bruce Wayne takes pride in cosplay and beating up the mentally ill, and Dorothy kills Oz's leadership team, upsets the entire political system, and then struggles to find an exit strategy; role models indeed. Harry Potter is something that has done, and will always, stay with me forever, the heroes teaching me about love and compassion, but the villains teaching me so much more.

So when I heard that Alan Rickman had passed away, I found myself wondering why I was so upset. I had never met the man before, and now my only hope of doing so is if a God I don't believe in decides to forgive my many, MANY, sins, and sets me up to do an interview with Mr Rickman in the afterlife. Needless to say, my chances are pretty slim. 

Finding out that Alan Rickman had passed away really got me thinking about grief, and how it shapes who we are as a person. I've grieved before, having to say goodbye to two wonderful grandparents, family friends, and many more faces I'd rather not talk about at this moment, but this time it felt strange; probably because I was sat in my room, crying with a tub of Ben and Jerry's over a man I had never known. I kept on thinking back to the phrase "You should never meet your heroes", and I agreed, predominantly because most of my heroes are psychopaths. But then I found myself thinking back to a bespectacled 9 year old me, being drawn in by the twisted individuals that sculpted Harry James Potter's future, and remembering that I could never quite work out if Severus Snape was a hero or not. And now, as a bespectacled 15 year old, I realise that it doesn't matter to me. Because if that twisted and bitter man could still carry out one final good deed on his deathbed, after all those years of pain, and suffering, and loneliness, than I figured I've still got a pretty good shot at life. Because even though I've grieved and I've suffered, through all my masses of failures, I know that for all the massive c**k ups I've made, I have done at least one decent thing for someone, somewhere. And that is all that matters to me.

So, now my life is steadily moving forwards, I have decided that maybe I would like to try drama. It was only after he passed away that I realised just how much Alan Rickman had influenced my career choices, and now I'm starting to realise; 

It's one thing to be able to play the hero. It's another to play the villain. But to be able to be both is one of life's miracles, that no one should ever take for granted.

But I still ask myself why I think about Snape so much, about the Slytherin who died like a Gryffindor. Even now, after all this time? And then I smile to myself and think; Always.