Working
with some wonderful men here in my Anger Management classes, I’m so
encouraged to see that even though apples don’t fall far from trees,
they can get up and crawl far away. And, being their travel guide warms
my heart!
Whatever our parents showed us by their lifestyle, or told us by
their words and actions towards us, does not have to be the pattern for
our lives.
Imagine a lineage of grandparents and parents who made their living
selling drugs. Are you likely to do that? Yes, because it is what you
know. Do you have to be a pusher? No. You definitely don’t.
I’ve walked with people as they reconstruct their values and re-assess
their goals to create the lives they really want. And, it doesn’t
involve drugs, taking them or selling them.
What if your background is being beaten, yelled at and put down by
various family members? One person doing that is more than enough, but
some families see every child as a target. Do you have to pass
on the threats and assaults? No, you don’t. You can the hero or
heroine and let that behavior stop with you. Yes, it takes some
intensive work, time and attention, but it is worth it to have the
quality of life that you want to enjoy and feel proud of.
Maybe your family tree has every branch going through prison. Maybe,
you’ve been to prison. That’s not who you are, it’s who you are choosing
to be. You can change that. Sure, it takes that same work, time and
attention, but you can do it.
What if you’re a Rager and see everyone as living only to annoy you.
You learned that somewhere. How about learning another way of being in
the world that brings you peace and draws people to you rather than
pushing them away? You can.
Apples may not fall far from trees, but the ones who put their hands up and say,”Get me out of here!” can start their own tree elsewhere!
The common denominator in all this is learning to recognize and manage our anger.
Anger lets us know our boundaries have been crossed and that we
ourselves, or our needs, have been discounted, disrespected or
belittled. Anger is healthy, but what we do with it is often not. Many
people think they have no anger, yet they get sick and anxious from
harboring resentments. That’s anger turned inwards! So, the first
important step is an inventory of our anger and help to walk through
and find appropriate ways to express it.
Whether or not we’ve been hurt, frustrated or afraid, whether we’ve
been raised in a family that hurts or hurts others, we have the power to
get up and walk away from that tree. You do not have to live in the
shade of your family tree. Get the help to get up and walk away!