A Doctor's Visit

            “You catch the football game last night?”
            Joel hated going to the doctor. First they asked you inane like this and then they ask you to bend over so they can probe your a*s.
            “No,” he shrugged. “I don’t watch that s**t. You know they used to use actual pigskin for the ball? I’m not one to condone cannibalism.”
            With a chortle that shook his jowls, Dr. Hogsine said, “Merely a rumor, Joel, merely a rumor.
            Again, Joel shrugged his shoulders and said to the doc, “Well, whatever. The sport’s just a mess of confusing rules created so that some pigs can tackle each other to the ground. Not my cup of tea.”
            “Fair enough,” Dr. Hogsine nodded and then changed the subject: “So, how’ve you been feeling lately, Joel? Getting enough exercise and a good diet?”
            “Yep. I walk to work most days and eat plenty of sloppy grain.”
            “Grain is good,” the doctor nodded. “How’s your love life? Any young sow competing for the title of Mrs. Swineson?”
            “Nothing serious, I’m still just playing the field.”
            With a grin that went to his twitching ears, Dr. Hogsine said, “Ah, to be young in this day and age. Back when I was dating you could only court one sow or be branded a deviant. Nowadays, you get all the squiggly tail you want.  Speaking of which, do you use protection? Don’t want any of those diseases going around.”
            “Yeah,” Joel affirmed. “Also, I’m not quite ready for any piglets.”
            “Too right,” The doctor said. He jumped out of his chair and toddled over to a cabinet. From it, he removed a syringe and vial of liquid, which he brought back over to Joel. “For the flu,” he said as he prepared the injection and swabbed his patient’s shoulder with an alcohol swab.
            As the injection went in, Joel gave a small squeal. Damn it, he swore at himself. He hated that oinking squeal he had inherited from his father as much as he hated the hog himself. It was the only thing he had left his wife and litter before running away with the sow Joel’s mother had only referred to as “that sty-wrecking s**t.”
            “You know,” Dr. Hogsine said as he removed the needle, capped it, and tossed it into the bio-waste can. “My wife has a friend who you might be interested in.”
            “Are you setting me up on a blind date, doc?” Joel asked, raising an eyebrow in incredulity.
            The doctor shrugged and went on, “Nah, just throwing an offer on the table. Her name’s Sue, around your age, and has the sweetest twelve teats a hog could ask for… Not that I’ve been sniffing her out or anything. I’m very faithful to my own sow, but can you fault a boar for noticing?
            “Anyway, Sue’s available and looking. I could put in a good word for you and have the two of you meet over dinner. What do you say?”
            Joel thought it over. Looking in the mirror behind Dr. Hogsine’s head, he saw age wrinkles under his eyes. Well, he thought, why not? He wasn’t getting any younger, and though he didn’t believe he was ready to settle down, this Sue might just be the sow to change his mind. She might be the one with whom he could have a sty-full of piglets with.
            “Sure,” he said. “Set it up, doc.”
            “Excellent,” Dr. Hogsine clapped his hooves together. “Now, before you go, why don’t you hop down and bend on over for me?”