getting it off my chest

Standing there, I felt the weight of all the lies pile onto my shoulders. I watched her sleeping face. Her cheeks were sunken. The life left her body only weeks before. Tears slid from my eyes, slowing trailing down my cheeks. 

My family sobbed loudly around me. I just watched; looked. Trying to let everything sink in... It didn't. I hugged my family, looking at all their devastated faces. I really wish I knew what was going on in their minds, what they were thinking... Why were my baby cousins crying? My other cousins? They saw her less than I did!

I looked back at my brother standing at the back of the room with his girlfriend and the rest of our family. He gave me a sad look and I turned back to look at our sleeping mother. More tears flowed from my eyes. 

A warm hand rested on my shoulder. I looked up to see my mother's fiance. Well... I'm not sure what he is to me anymore. Nothing. I never really liked him. He gave me a sad smile and rubbed my arm.

He found her.

I wanted to be alone with her. 

I went and hugged my brother until eventually I found myself next to Paul, mum's fiance. I just kind of sat there and started at the white coffin. It was beautiful. Perfect. I got up and walked over to the coffin's lid, against the wall. I traced her name. Over and over. Tears continued to fall.

I watched with sadness and guilt as my brother finally walked up to say goodbye. He didn't think he would. He stood there in silence with his girlfriend. My uncle walked away, and out the door. Everyone else followed except Paul and I.

I wanted to be alone with her.

My godmother walked in and hugged my peaceful mother. Saying a few words. Paul went up and comforted her. They ushered me over. They said some nice words. I don't remember what. I stared at my mum's face.

I wanted to be alone with her.

I walked out the door.