Illanogard

A note for those reading this review: I was asked to read this story while it was four chapters long and quite unfinished. My review will reflect this; the author wanted a fresh pair of eyes to look at it.

Ok, so I read this as you wanted. I'm going to put a few things here for the work as a whole, and I'll probably sit down and talk with you in person about the nitty gritty details.

First of all, you need to proofread. Yes, I understand that when you write you need to get things out, but there are enough mispelled words and grammatical errors to make reading this somewhat jarring at points. It hurts the flow the story. So, you should take some time or have someone else look it over and root some of those out.

Second, it took me a while to figure out how this story should read, but then it hit me: it reads very much like a television drama (think Stargate, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, CSI, etc.) with short to medium length scenes that reveal bits and pieces of a plot either for the "episode" or for the entire series proper. I think with that understanding, it made the story easier to digest. I think it's an interesting way to reveal the story.

Third, kind of in relation to the previous point, nearly every scene feels too short. They provide a lot of the skeleton, but they don't provide a lot of other substance. This is something I want to go over with you in person because there's a lot here. I will say this, though, that while it's very clear that you know the characters and the setting of your world very well, you're not doing a good job communicating that knowledge to the rest of us. There's a lot of mystery and hush-hush going on, things that cannot and should not be revealed yet, but there seems to be too much mystery even in the basic actions, identities, and characteristics of your characters. Some is revealed through dialogue and emotional reaction, but more still can be communicated to the reader without revealing any of the secrets you have planned.

Fourth, the plot so far is interesting and engaging. I'm curious to see what becomes of the two ladies, what their importance is to the other world, and what the work of the policeman and his mafia/assassin/shady friend will yield for them, and whether or not they'll get stuck in this plot against good and evil on the other world, or if they'll end up something like Earth's defenders or whatever. A lot of possibilities abound!

Posted 13 Years Ago

A note for those reading this review: I was asked to read this story while it was four chapters long and quite unfinished. My review will reflect this; the author wanted a fresh pair of eyes to look at it.

Ok, so I read this as you wanted. I'm going to put a few things here for the work as a whole, and I'll probably sit down and talk with you in person about the nitty gritty details.

First of all, you need to proofread. Yes, I understand that when you write you need to get things out, but there are enough mispelled words and grammatical errors to make reading this somewhat jarring at points. It hurts the flow the story. So, you should take some time or have someone else look it over and root some of those out.

Second, it took me a while to figure out how this story should read, but then it hit me: it reads very much like a television drama (think Stargate, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Firefly, CSI, etc.) with short to medium length scenes that reveal bits and pieces of a plot either for the "episode" or for the entire series proper. I think with that understanding, it made the story easier to digest. I think it's an interesting way to reveal the story.

Third, kind of in relation to the previous point, nearly every scene feels too short. They provide a lot of the skeleton, but they don't provide a lot of other substance. This is something I want to go over with you in person because there's a lot here. I will say this, though, that while it's very clear that you know the characters and the setting of your world very well, you're not doing a good job communicating that knowledge to the rest of us. There's a lot of mystery and hush-hush going on, things that cannot and should not be revealed yet, but there seems to be too much mystery even in the basic actions, identities, and characteristics of your characters. Some is revealed through dialogue and emotional reaction, but more still can be communicated to the reader without revealing any of the secrets you have planned.

Fourth, the plot so far is interesting and engaging. I'm curious to see what becomes of the two ladies, what their importance is to the other world, and what the work of the policeman and his mafia/assassin/shady friend will yield for them, and whether or not they'll get stuck in this plot against good and evil on the other world, or if they'll end up something like Earth's defenders or whatever. A lot of possibilities abound!

Posted 13 Years Ago