Her sins

Gudako as she travels to failed eras, erasing it all. Millions of lives lost to save her own world. Everyday, her mind and body were breaking to pieves as she walks the path she hates.

Two winters passed,

Still she travels to every era,

With books of mystics,

With machines of astronomical science,

To bring the Old humanity back from Alien's erasure,

To destroy the New ones placed by the Alien's hand,

With hand of ill fated heroes,

Still she travels.

Her Body cracking like glass,

Her Mind in agonizing scream,

Her eyes blurry,

Images of Dead people,

Old to infant,

Blood and piled like trash,

Day and Night,

She sees them.

Tears is not a coin,

Words is not a bill,

Nothing erases the blood on her hands,

She carries the dead behind her back,

Their voices cursing her everyday,

Their loud roars for her actions against them,

Their agony crying for their own 'false' timelines to be crushed by her hand,

"I can't do anything for them..." Is all she could say.

Yet she walks forward,

Her face bruised and streamed tears,

To pull her loved ones from the void, 

To snatch back the old humanity from its sudden extinction,

Cursed words shall not stop her,

Iron and smoke will not halt her steps,

She will keep her feet forward,

Even to lose her eye or toe,

Her eyes determined to face the Alien that brought ruin,

Inside her thoughts,

Flashed image of smiling girl from a failed era,

"I am so sorry..." She mournfully said.

 

Author's Note

Have to be honest, I lost my touch i think. Its been a long time... :( I hope you all doing well everyone. God bless you all. Any criticism is welcome. Thank you for reading.

Reviews

[JayG]

The problem I ran into was that a lot of the story—necessary parts, never made it from your head to the reader’s, because what would bring context and give meaning never made it to the page.

It’s there when you read it, of course, so you never notice that it’s missing. But look at a reader’s reaction as it’s read:

• Two winters passed,

Since? Unless the reader knows that, it means as much to them and were I to say, “thirty-seven days have passed,” without following it with, “Since…”

There’s also the question of why you mentioned winters passing, not years. Why are winters important? After all, winter in Iceland and in Spain are very different. So as the reader leaves this line they expect expansion and clarification in the next line. But does it come?

• Still she travels to every era,

“Still?” There’s a reason she might be expected not to do whatever you talk about next? Shouldn’t the reader know why you had to state it as “still?” And does “still” mean “in spite of what happened she began?” or “She continues to? No way to know. But to get your intended meaning don’t we need to know?

“She?” Wait…is this a different story, about a time traveler? And if so, shouldn’t I know who she is, why she’s traveling, and what she’s doing? And what happened to the business about the winters? I’m lost.

• With books of mystics,

Wait…what in the pluperfect hells is a book of mystics?

See the problem? It’s all perfectly clear when you read it, but for the reader there’s no context. And for a reader, context isn’t just important, it’s everything. Your intent doesn’t make it to the page. So without context you’ve provided words in a row, meaning unclear. That' why we need to write from our chair but always edit from that of the reader: Someone who will miss our point; who needs hints and guidence; someone dumb…like me. 🤣

Sorry for the bad news, but you did ask, and since you can’t fix what you don’t see as a problem I thought you’d want to know.

Jay Greentein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Pale Moon]

No problem. really appreciate it tbh. Its been so long.

[A Soap Mess Stories]

Loved reading this. Haven't been on in a while. Just getting back into reading some writing.

[Coyote Poetry]

A interesting poem. You made me want to know more. I liked the characters and the thoughts. Would be a good lead for a good tale. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Ted Kniffen]

I like this Pale Moon, although to be honest I'm thinking it borders more on prose than poem ... but that's okay, it works. The plotline is good ... the story compelling.

There are a few grammatical things ... verse 1 lines 5 & 6 ... it is not clear whether one alien or a race of aliens are involved

Verse 2 - body ... mind & dead do not require capitalization. Line 6 bloody might work better as bloodied.

Verse 3 - when using plurals such as tears & words then they should be followed with are.

Verse 4 - line 2 "Her face bruised and streamed tears," would read better as "Her face bruised and streaming tears,"

All in all, well done, the premise is a good one ... the idea of a lone individual setting out on a journey to save their world offers many opportunities. It may even require more length ... a continuation if you will.

Good write ... keep it up.

[Pale Moon]

Appreciate it

[‘Thoughts In Time..]

Things are never what they seem but as long as we move forward for what is right the light always overcomes the darkness🌹