City of Fuyuki

During the night, Fuyuki city was in flames.

The City of Fuyuki,

It was burning,

Flames was seen everywhere,

Screams of the dying could be heard,

Cries of anguish and moans of pain,

Smoke were rising on to the night's sky,

The smell of blood reeked everywhere, 

Emiya Kiritsugu,

A black-haired man in black suit and trench coat,

He passed the burning buildings,

There was exhaustion in his face,

His eyes were blank,

He was walking in a weak state,

As he passed more burning houses,

He saw a hand stretching out of the rubble,

He rushed to it,

He dug,

He found an auburn-haired boy,

He held the boy’s hand,

Tears overflowed from his blank eyes,

He cried “You’re alive… You’re alive!”

Author's Note

Fore References:
Fate Zero Season 2 Ending (Episode 12 or Episode 25) :)

Reviews

[JayG]

Is this a poem or the synopsis of a story? It seems more an outline—the sketch of one. The language isn't particularly poetic, and you're not making use of prosody.

As a general observation, you need to squeeze the fat for better flow; For example, "The City of Fuyuki, It was burning," reduces to: "The City of Fuyuki was burning," for more impact.

And "Flames was seen everywhere," which should be, "Flames were seen everywhere," makes no sense, because if they were everywhere, anyone who might see them is on fire, and not paying attention.

When you say, "Screams of the dying COULD be heard," that doesn't mean that anyone does, only that if there was someone there, and they cared, they COULD HEAR them. But because the reader doesn't know why the city was burning, where it is in time and space, who's observing this, and why it matters, it lacks impact.

You're talking TO the reader, and explaining. But the reader doesn't want someone to describ things that are happening. That's a report, and reports don't, as a ruler, entertain. That matters because the reader comes to you to be entertained.

So instead of talking about events and visuals that the reader can't see (knowing something is burning is very different from seeing that happening) make them know the situation as someone who is experiencing them does so they will care, not just "know."

You know the story, so you have context as you read. But without your knowledge, what does a reader have?

• An unknown city, in an unknown time and place is burning in an unknown way, for unknown reasons.
• A nicely dressed but unknown black haired man walks a long distance, ignoring the suffering of those around him (so why isn't he burning like everyone else? You don't say.
• Finally, he sees a hand sticking out of rubble that may or may not be a place he knows. He digs the unknown boy free and is glad the boy is alive, for unknown reasons." Is it someone he knows, has he finally decided to help someone, or did he start digging because you decided he should, for dramatic purpose?

For you who know the story he has reason to both dig and rejoice at what he finds. For the reader, who has no clue of what's going on and why, what is there to make them share the man's joy?

In short, the people in the situation know what's happening and why. Shouldn't the reader? You did write it for them, after all

Sorry my news isn't better.
Finally the man comes to an unknown place

[Pale Moon]

THANKS FOR THE CRITICS! :)

[Onlyme]

Powerful, imagery, dramatic, dark, with a light at the end. On saving a soul, when all seemed lost and gone.

[Chris Shaw]

I have read your poem about the City of Fuyuki and picked up on some grammar issues. I then saw the full critique that JayG has provided for you. It is in such depth and has some great points. Nothing that I can say could possibly improve on that or help you further.

Chris

[Pale Moon]

Thanks! i was just still starting to write hehe.

[Coyote Poetry]

A high energy poem shared. The words were demanding and made the reader feel the city burning and the hopeful ending.
Coyote

[Pale Moon]

Thanks :) :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome.