(I) A WOMAN ON THE LOOSE!

In a forest filled with monsters, a mysterious woman was having a picnic there. Thus, the beauty and the beast had at last meet in... strange circumstances.

(I)                A WOMAN ON THE LOOSE

Spoiling her day was not nice. Oh, not nice at all. They say Luck doesn't exist neither was coincidence except it still happens to people who are unaware of what may happen in their special day. After all that's what people say. The future is a mysterious one. Oh, she could relate to that. It was her special rest day and now her beloved picnic for a breakfast was spilled all over the ground. Oh, she was not happy about it at all. Her favorite beverage, Special chocolate milk, was not spared. The delicious contents flowing on the grass floor. The one who did this was a minotaur. It was towering over her due to its inhuman size. A five-meter-tall monster. This monster was a beast in a form of a half human on the lower body and half bull monster on the top. Hairy, muscular and smelled like spoiled stool. Long bull horns and large cow teeth. Mighty and dangerous in a level C monster, which indicates a level near the titanic and monstrous ones. Considered as one of the most dangerous monsters in the continent and also considered as one of the most perverted monsters in the known world. She gritted her teeth and jumped backward to give distance between the beast and herself.

Being a high rank monster and brutal information, the woman in front of the beast did not waver. Anger and resolve could be seen in her crimson eyes. Her eyes twitched and her white ponytail hair, flying by wind, made her look like a maiden of a perilous beauty. After all, she had that white skin and the monster had bet she was a smooth skin woman. However, the monster wondered what made her so angry instead of being afraid of him. It was a monster, and it had the right to be feared by common people, let alone wearing no armor. What she was wearing now was some leather shirt and trousers. She also had no weapon at her side except a strange ring at her left finger of her right hand. The monster wondered what she was doing in the middle of the forest where it was full of monsters with no weapon. It didn't care anyway. Time only wasted in observing her. The monster roared at her, to intimidate her. It shifted its body in fours to ready for a charge, planning to slay her in a single rush. It had plans to violate and cannibalize her afterwards. The beast roared again and charged, crushing down the ruined picnic.

The woman growled in distaste. It must be some trick on the wind but the beast swore that it heard her mutter "Weak"

A small gap of distance before the minotaur could reach her, and an instant slicing sound was heard. A sickening sound like a knife on a butter. Before the monster could register what happened, its body torn into half. The split bodies and its insides spilled on the ground. Wet as red and a pool of blood was streaming around the corpse. Juicy and dirty flesh was a worst sight for any stranger to look upon but for her, this was somehow natural. After all, she had seen worse than bloody torn intestines and scattered teeth. A slight thin curved golden blade, similar to a katana, was at her right hand, dripping blood. It was radiating fear. Anyone who saw this at a distance could feel the dread of it. A weapon of carnage yet beautiful. All gold crafted and despite of its magnificence, it was a dangerous design.

The woman stared at the corpse. Her angry expression turned to relief. She was relieved that her revenge on the minotaur for spoiling her good breakfast picnic was successful. The forest was filled with monsters but she wanted a picnic here instead inside the city. The face of the forest was beautiful after all. It was a perfect to hold a picnic there. People may disagree on her but that's what she wanted. Ancient trees that stood for a hundred years and animals wandering there. Rocky and beautiful landscapes. Even different kinds of flowers mysteriously bloomed there. This what was she wanted and the beast ruined it.

Something was up in her mind and she suddenly smiled at the bloody corpse and mutter in a lewd tone “Not enough. My beloved Tana is still hungry."

Her smiling expression immediately fades into a scowl. She shook her head in panic and turned her back at the corpse and her spoiled picnic. Her golden blade magically glowed and suddenly shrink into a shape of a ring, fitting itself at her left finger. She sighed tiredly "No matter what, I must not give in. No matter what. Monsters is one thing but killing humans is a different issue."

"Damn it." She clicked her tongue and turned her back at the scene and with her hair swayed behind her as she walked. If anyone was there watching her deed, all they could last see was her face looking back at her work. Whatever words she spoken earlier, a maniac smile appeared at her face. After that, a deadly silence was the only thing in the forest.

Author's Note

How is my work? :) I love to hear your reviews! THANK YOU!!! :)

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask for this, so you have only yourself to blame. 😫 I started here because of the reader isn't hoked by the opening to chapter one they will never see chapter two. And in any case, the opening paragraph is the only one we can read without a synopsis of what has gone before.

Basically, what you're doing i transcribing yourself telling the story aloud. But can we do that on the page? The answer, unfortunately, is no. But, the reason for that isn't obvious. When we read our own words, we fill in the emotion we would place into our voice as we read. So it works. But can a reader do that? No.

Remember, unlike you, the reader he doesn't know what a given line will say until after they've read it. And then, it's too late to add in the necessary emotion.

But there's a more pressing problem. You're telling this story from the outside-in—explaining it to the reader. And because you're giving an overview of events, and visualize them BEFORE you speak the line, anything that seems obvious to you may not make it to the page. When you read what you've written, because you know those details, you don't notice that they're missing. But what about the reader? Look at the first few lines from the viewpoint of that reader.

• Spoiling her day was not nice.

Do we know who the "she" is that you speak of, or in what way her day was ruined? No. She could be a crone or a teenager; fat or thin; happy or sad. And knowing so little, how can line this have meaning for a reader? No. And can clarifying later change a bad first impression to good, retroactively?

But, let's take this further: isn't it a given that spoiling anyone's day isn't nice? Doesn't your reader already know that? So, why delay the arrival of the actual story for something they already know? Sure, if the reader could hear you, and hear the emotion in your voice, it would set a mood. And the next line would amplify that mood. Have your computer read this aloud, though, and you'll hear how different what the reader gets is from what you hear as you read. And fair is fair. It's the written for them, so...

• They say Luck doesn't exist neither was coincidence except it still happens to people who are unaware of what may happen in their special day. After all that's what people say.

Who are these people you're quoting? My friends say, "Give me a kiss for luck," and, "Wow, you were lucky today." But more to the point, for all the time that you're talking to the reader, there's nothing happening in the story. And your reader came to you for story, not philosophy or lecture. In short, in the words of James H. Schmitz, “Don’t inflict the reader with irrelevant background material—get on with the story.”

The problem you face is common to hopeful writers because we leave school believing that we learned how to write. But we didn't, not as a professional fiction writer, or publisher views that act. Our schooling serves an important purpose: it prepares us to be a productive and self-supporting adult. And in support of that we learn a set of general skills that are useful in life and in employment. We don't learn any profession as part of our public education years. That comes afterwards. And writing fiction for the page is every bit as much a profession as is accounting, astronomy, or medicine.

In school we learned a style of writing that is fact-based and author-centric. It's designed to inform clearly and concisely. But our readers come to us to be entertained. And with such a drastically different goal comes different methodology. Fiction writing is character-centric, and emotion-based. The opposite of what we were trained to do The idea isn't to make the reader know what's happening. Our goal is to make the reader feel as if they're living the adventure in real-time in the moment our protagonist calls " now." If, for example, this was a horror story, your reader isn't looking to know that the protagonist is frightened. They want you to terrorise THEM, and make them afraid to turn out the lights. The fun of reading is in being made to FEEL, not be informed. A reader who's saying, "Damn...now what do we do?" is a very happy reader. And if you can get them to shout advice to the protagonist, you have a winner.

Can we move a reader that way with the nonfiction skills we learned in school? Hell no. If we want the reader to enjoy our writing in the same way as they do the writing professionals, doesn't it make sense that we have to know at least a little of what the pro knows?

And that's my point. It's not a matter of good or bad writing. It's not one of talent or potential. And, it's not the story. It's that you, while you're working very hard, are missing critical data on the tricks-of-the-trade. And learning that, is as easy (or as hard I suppose) as was learning the writing skills you use now. And, since everyone faces this same problem, it's no big deal—though it does that mean you're not going to be a rich and famous author by Christmas (sorry).

It also means a fair amount of work. The techniques and approach we use make sense and aren't hard to learn. But perfecting them will take time, practice, and study—which is true of any field. So have at it. If you are meant to be a writer, the learning will be like going backstage at the theater.

My personal suggestions:

For an overview of the issues involved, you might dig around in my articles on writing. They were written with the hopeful writer in mind.

For the nuts-and-bolt issue of constructing a scene that will sing to the reader, I suggest one of several books:

Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer, is an older book, but still, it's the best I've found. Nearly as good, is Scene and Structure, by Jack Bickham. Both were written by noteworthy teachers of commercial fiction writing.

If they have a failing it's that they are University-level books and can at times go into great detail.

Another, easier read (but less complete), is Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, available from booksellers for download, or Deb's site in hard copy.

None of them will make a published writer of you. That's your job. But they will give you the tools and knowledge of what they can do for you. The choice is yours. And, there are many others in the fiction writing section of your local library.

But whatever your choice, take lots of time when reading it. Stop to think of each new point as it's introduced, and how it relates to your writing. Practice it so as to make it yours, as against something to note, nod, and forget a week later.

But whatever you do, don't let it throw you. Hang in there and keep on writing. It doesn't get easier, but after a while we do become confused on a higher level, and the ratio of crap to gold changes for the better.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Pale Moon]

THANKS SO MUCH! :) :) I AM SO HAPPY OF YOUR REVIEW! :')

[wordman]

this is a great story,interesting

[Pale Moon]

Thanks! :)

[wordman]

my pleasure

[Nankya Yudaya]

You're quite an amazing story teller! your story is engaging, it keeps one interested in reading-on

[Pale Moon]

Haha! thanks! Try read (II) A Scarlet Night! :) my latest release xD LOL

[Nankya Yudaya]

Of course i intend to keep up with pale Moon .. Lol

[Pale Moon]

:) Thanks :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are a wonderful writer. I love your work. It is accurate and interesting. I'm a fan of history and your version is short, hard and true. This story was very good too. Thank you for sharing the excellent story.
Coyote