A Letter to the Sun

What I wanted to say to him. summer 2009

Blasted Sun with eyes so fair,

Why must you burn my world?

Your endless flame of destruction,

My cause for all despare.

I give my love so freely

Why can you never see?

The seering scars upon my heart,

Threatening our Eternity.

I bare these scars with smiles.

I hide my silver tears,

Your moon will always love you.

but 'tis you that cause her fears.

How can you not see

these midnight tears that fall.

I shy, My weakness...

Only atributed to thee.

I plead with you Dear Sun

Open those golden eyes.

See what you have done to me

Be the Sun you say you'd be

Light up our eternity

Or let us fall in flames.

Reviews

[Rebecca]

I don't love the beginning because the concepts are a little cliche, especially in comparison to the rest. But from the line "The seering scars upon my heart" and on, the poem really picks up! I love "I hide my silver tears, Your moon will always love you." The words and images flow so well right there!
I read somewhere that when you think you are finished with a poem, find your favorite line, the one that really sticks out because it's just so awesome, and take it out. The reason is because you want every line in the piece to be cohesive. If some lines are great and others not so much, it distracts. Here I would keep the deep, thought provoking lines and rework or remove the ones that distract from their beauty.

[Rebecca]

oh and also I am love with the title. Short and sweet, definitely caught my attention :)

[Revera Love]

Good advice. I know I need to look back. I'll let you know if there is another version :)

[One Hundred Fingers]

I really enjoyed the imagery in this one and could feel the sorrow in the tone!! Very well done! However, I'm a huge spelling nazi, and there are a few errors in this. Despare should be despair and seering should be searing. It's not a HUGE deal...but it does distract from the poem a bit for people like me. It might be a good idea to do a spell check in word just a precautionary in the future! :) Keep up the great work, though!!

Blessings~ ::OHF::

[Revera Love]

Yeah, my spelling is often a bit off. I will go back and fix those. Thank you for pointing them out :)

[Trigorin]

Not too bad, but the real meaning of this piece does seem a little veiled from my perspective. Not to say that it's terrible or anything, but it does seem like there's something missing, and it's a little difficult for the reader to discern what that is.
On a purely technical level, this is very well-done.

[Revera Love]

It's not as much a metaphore as it is an inside couple thing. He would call me the Moon and he was the Sun. We liked to joke that I we were constantly eclipsing each other.

Thank you for reading and commenting :)