can i get u pregnant god i love u f**k

and how can we explain this besidies telepathically like

2 my friends in the future like. i met her online but in my head i just

tapped into her line like it's bright as f**k where's she's sitting i just

know it has to be a little vague for now so ican. figurer her out on my own it's not

fair 222 just know THe RIght ANswer's Right

here sitting frankly quite cute if i may say so myself darlin u have got somethin speshul bout u and i

can't believe i'm, sayinbg this but

u two need to meet pronto there's a 

fire in the basement and he'll make it there if he tries to but htere's just

no TIme. Left to just sit there and like

like every pictrure in u is

mental image clearere this glass

half full of sweet nothoing s i remember

u as tall as the kite is high in the sky and it's just

never leave me alone or i might

miss u enough to make u into a synapse then just.

Fry the s**t out of u on purpose so u

burn there always can u please always

rememeberr to never leave my side unless u

leave me a Divine Plan first like where's my

little red spool of thread tied to u higher than the sky is high like

grid is so locked tight it's like my

p***y daddy my p***y's on lockjaw like

what kind of hell is this where every

breath i take is gifted to someone else in my skin and their

ghosts aren't even recognizable anymore and yet &&

ewery moment breaks apart until this. geode sort of climax hits the. sun on purpose

THERE the vision is something sweeter lefty-licking

can we try this again but together it's like. we nefver were apart for them, right? or

u are sensing 8 of us there and which 1 will pull the trigger finger on u

& lol and can i watch it from the sidelines where my

jackolantern smirking i might. kiss u in the garden some s**t

i'll pretend it's eden when we. hold hands looking moonward under

neath the sky that's raining it's like. pearls and tears are sisters when u

say my name in downpour i might. actually cry on Hanukkah this year u

have gotten what u wished for there's no. way i can ever lose u again u just got. me inside the words of u ur. vision is a masterpiece and i'm. the severed ear for sure and listen: no is not the answer when the

question never left her it's like. caught behind her throat the chakra

might not close again once i take. out the pearls she choked on for me

cried herself to sleep and just like i promise u

g.o.d. knows all the answers and they. handpicked u specifically to just. never stop

 f*****g her sideways it's her.

favorite way to love u when she. 

can't control her fingers it's like. burning down a rainbow in the

after glow of always in this

nothing i made endless in u 

made me think it's perfect can we 

get a look at this girl is as perfect as a storm and once i glue back the little wings on her she'll fly away for certain and if love's a possibility then. can that be endless too and if she. wants me on my birthday next year i'll. never have to ask her if she'll. marry me in vegas tonight? will you? i said yes in heaven so i must've fell on purpose for u to have even asked me is this even the right thing or did i have to hear the worst thing so i could face another fear for u is marriage even stupid or is love the same damn thing to u can i be one of ur showgirls what does that even f*****g mean to u can i pls have another chance to end my own life in my hands before u take my breath away again and f**k my life but if i get lucky i might never have to wait again 2 always hear my name in vegas when she looks at me like devilish how's an angel look like u how did u fit that halo on and can we take it off together can i get u to pray louder will u make it last forever can we touch our hands on purpose is this just another way for u to get a date and how does it usually go and do u even hear an answer is it ever gonna be a no from me or is this always can it be that i have found u i think i might go to sleep in u a d dream u might appear to me but 333 u know me but i migth not get 2 be me for  a minute or like 3 33333333 or if i might 4 fget to breathe a minurte i remember me so then that i rmemeber u so it's all out and i'm a figure 8 so figure out the perfect date i'll marry u at twice by 8 turned sideways down at heaven's gate 

i almost forgot to say sorry to the void again haha wait

Reviews

[JayG]

Reads like a text message sent from a fifteen year old to a buddy, I'm afraid. Lots of meaningless uses of "f**k," lousy punctuation, and poorly expressed thoughts. You got C– in English last year, I'm guessing.

Here's the deal: You're not in the hood, you're on an international writing site, trying to communicate with, and please, real people. And to do that you have to interest them, and make them WANT to know more, not transcribe yourself talking to someone unknown. The goal of both fiction and poetry is, as E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” No way can you do that with cellphone text-talk, or even the nonfiction writing skills we're given in school.

So...you can call a rabbit a bird, but it won't fly, any more than calling whatever you choose to say, a poem. Chopping a rant into short lines doesn't make it a poem. It's the skills of poetry that do that.

There are hundreds of sites that talk about the hows of writing poetry. The local library has books on it.

The thing is, you're a poet when people, on reading your work, say, "Now that's POETRY," not when you declare it to be so, because like everything else, it's all in the becoming.

[kitten]

try being nice starting right now

[JayG]

Stop whining. You got exactly what this piece deserved. In fact, I was kind.

It appears that you want to be respected as a poet with taking the smallest step toward learning what you're doing. And in a profession that you can earn a degree in—and must assume that at least some of what's taught must be necessary,dropping in random periods and returns to try to make it a poem is pretty well recipe for failure.

Bottom line: If you want better reviews, you supply better poetry. It's that simple. You can post anything you care to. But you can't dictate how the reader will take it. Readers are volunteers, not conscripts.

[kitten]

what's a conscript? have a kind month. bless u - from god

[JayG]

• what's a conscript?

Hmm...so you're not willing to take the time to learn the basics of writing poetry, grammar, or punctuation. And, you're too lazy to use the dictionary to find out what a word means. That doesn't seem to be the best way to have people take you seriously as a writer.

But here's something you might think about: You have ten poems posted, and the only two comments posted say pretty much the same thing: You need to take the time to learn the tricks of poetry, and work on your basic writing skills. And one of those people has thirty books on the market, taught writing, and has more than a few comments on his own posted poetry—and I am NOT a poet.

You can ignore the advice that anyone gives you. That's your right, of course. But doing so isn't going to make your work more readable.

We all start writing crap because we don't realize that there's a LOT to writing poetry that's not obvious. But that's fixable. A bit of intelligent study can change the ratio of crap to gold for the better

If you work at it, at the end of a year you'll have had a year's worth of experience. If you don't? You'll have one days worth of experience repeated 364 times.

And now, having led you to the water, the choice to drink or not drink is yours. So, my task complete, I'll bow out with a wish for greater success in the future.

[kitten]

[*punc. Error(s)