Cat Meets Pig

Cat Meets Pig

A Stage Play by Michael Keene
"

Two animals meet and debate after becoming infatuated with the other's... food. This was my original 10-minute play for theatre class, but my teacher wouldn't accept it, saying "sexual innuendo not suitable for community standards." Well, f**k

"

Lights fade in to vacant, wooded area.

 

[A PIG holding a hot dog and a CAT holding a pie enter.]

 

PIG

I want your pie.  Unless it’s pecan, I don’t particularly care for pecan.

 

CAT

It’s cherry, made it myself.  It’s all warm and fresh, but I’m saving it for someone else, later tonight.  Right now I’m letting it cool a bit.  I’m sorry.

 

PIG

I’m sure you are.

 

CAT

I really am sorry.  I’m sure you’re a very nice pig and all, but this pie is important.

 

PIG

But… I want it so badly.  Just one piece?  One itty bitty witty piece?

 

[Beat]

 

Pweeeeez…?

 

CAT

No.

 

[Beat]

 

Is that… a hot dog?

 

PIG

Why, yes… yes it is.

 

CAT

I’ve never had a hotdog before; I’ve only ever eaten Italian sausage.

 

PIG

Well…  I do enjoy a good cherry pie.

 

CAT

Well I’ll tell you what, you can dab your finger in my cherry pie if I can have your hotdog.

 

PIG

So, you want to eat my hotdog, while all I get is to dab my finger in your cherry pie?  That affords me absolutely nothing but a sense of charity!

 

CAT

What!  It’s a fantastic cherry pie!

 

PIG

And this is a foot-long!

 

CAT

That hardly matters!  It has no effect on the taste whatsoever—quality of quantity!

 

PIG

Well, it’s very juicy.

 

CAT

Again, no significance.

 

PIG

And warm.

 

CAT

I want it.  Now.

 

[CAT lunges at PIG, who dodges her.]

 

PIG

Don’t be like that!  Maybe I’m saving my hotdog for the appropriate time.   Lunch is a very important part of a young pig’s life.

 

CAT

Oh, bullshit!

 

PIG

Why can’t we just have an even, cut-and-dry trade?

 

CAT

My father—who is quite strict—will not let me give away my cherry pie until it is cooled and time for dinner.

 

PIG

That’s absurd!  What’ll he do if you give away your cherry pie—in exchange for a hot dog, no less?

 

CAT

He’ll throw me in the oven.

 

PIG

Throw you in an oven?!  What kind of father is that?

 

CAT

A loving one.

 

PIG

Loving, my a*s!  Sounds like a bloody sadist!

 

CAT

He’s not!  If I keep my cherry pie until dinner, he’ll give me the upstairs room!  Do you know how big our upstairs room is?  It’s massive!

 

PIG

I’m sure.

 

CAT

It is! 

 

PIG

How do you know you’ll get the upstairs room?

 

CAT

My daddy told me!

 

PIG

Yes, but how can you trust him?

 

CAT

He’s my father!  He gave me life!

 

PIG

You could be adopted.

 

CAT

That’s a horrible, depressing thing to say!  You ignorant pig!  There’s no way something that… terrible could be true!

 

PIG

I’m just saying that there are always other possibilities. 

 

CAT

Well, I’m right and you’re wrong and I’m keeping my cherry pie.

 

PIG

Oh come on!  Don’t be so hasty!  All I want is your pie!

 

CAT

And I want your hotdog but I’m perfectly willing to live without it.

 

PIG

But… but…

 

[Offers CAT the hotdog.]

 

I’ll give you a free bit.

 

CAT

I’m not going to fall for a trick like that.

 

PIG

What trick?

 

CAT

You’re going to snatch my pie while I’m eating your hotdog.

 

PIG

Am not!  I just want you to see how much you like it.

 

CAT

Well, that is very sweet of you I suppose…

 

[Takes a bite of PIG’S hotdog.  She gives an “mmm” of approval and snatches the hotdog and runs.]

 

Ha!  I’ve got your hotdog and I’m not letting go!  I’ve got your hotdog!

 

PIG

Hey, give it back!

 

[Chases CAT.]

 

Give it!  Give it!  What would your father think of you now!

 

[PIG pounces on CAT and BOTH fall on the ground.  PIG takes the pie and devours it in several messy bites.]

 

CAT

No, my pie!  Stop it!  Help, someone help!  A pig is eating my pie!  A pig is eating my pie!

 

[Beat]

 

Fire!  Fire!

 

[PIG finishes and stands, breathes roughly.]

 

PIG

It could have been a fair trade.

 

CAT

[Crying]

 

I don’t even want your hotdog anymore! 

 

[Throws hotdog to the ground.]

 

Just leave me alone!  Please!  Oh, poppa…

 

PIG

Fine, I’m done with your pie anyway.  See ya around, stupid little b***h.

 

[Exit PIG.]

 

CAT

Poppa is going to be so angry… oh, the ovens…

 

[CAT pulls out a razor and proceeds to cut her wrists, length-wise.]

 

Fade out.

 

THE END

© 2008 Michael Keene


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Haha this is whimsically creative.

Posted 7 Years Ago



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Added on February 27, 2008

Author

Michael Keene
Michael Keene

Summerville, SC



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Not much to say really. Tall, blond, devilishly charming. You know, that sort. more..

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