Cat Meets PigA Stage Play by Michael KeeneTwo animals meet and debate after becoming infatuated with the other's... food. This was my original 10-minute play for theatre class, but my teacher wouldn't accept it, saying "sexual innuendo not suitable for community standards." Well, f**kLights fade in to vacant, wooded area. [A PIG holding a hot dog and a CAT holding a pie enter.] PIG I want your pie. Unless it’s pecan, I don’t particularly care for pecan. CAT It’s cherry, made it myself. It’s all warm and fresh, but I’m saving it for someone else, later tonight. Right now I’m letting it cool a bit. I’m sorry. PIG I’m sure you are. CAT I really am sorry. I’m sure you’re a very nice pig and all, but this pie is important. PIG But… I want it so badly. Just one piece? One itty bitty witty piece? [Beat] Pweeeeez…? CAT No. [Beat] Is that… a hot dog? PIG Why, yes… yes it is. CAT I’ve never had a hotdog before; I’ve only ever eaten Italian sausage. PIG Well… I do enjoy a good cherry pie. CAT Well I’ll tell you what, you can dab your finger in my cherry pie if I can have your hotdog. PIG So, you want to eat my hotdog, while all I get is to dab my finger in your cherry pie? That affords me absolutely nothing but a sense of charity! CAT What! It’s a fantastic cherry pie! PIG And this is a foot-long! CAT That hardly matters! It has no effect on the taste whatsoever—quality of quantity! PIG Well, it’s very juicy. CAT Again, no significance. PIG And warm. CAT I want it. Now. [CAT lunges at PIG, who dodges her.] PIG Don’t be like that! Maybe I’m saving my hotdog for the appropriate time. Lunch is a very important part of a young pig’s life. CAT Oh, bullshit! PIG Why can’t we just have an even, cut-and-dry trade? CAT My father—who is quite strict—will not let me give away my cherry pie until it is cooled and time for dinner. PIG That’s absurd! What’ll he do if you give away your cherry pie—in exchange for a hot dog, no less? CAT He’ll throw me in the oven. PIG Throw you in an oven?! What kind of father is that? CAT A loving one. PIG Loving, my a*s! Sounds like a bloody sadist! CAT He’s not! If I keep my cherry pie until dinner, he’ll give me the upstairs room! Do you know how big our upstairs room is? It’s massive! PIG I’m sure. CAT It is! PIG How do you know you’ll get the upstairs room? CAT My daddy told me! PIG Yes, but how can you trust him? CAT He’s my father! He gave me life! PIG You could be adopted. CAT That’s a horrible, depressing thing to say! You ignorant pig! There’s no way something that… terrible could be true! PIG I’m just saying that there are always other possibilities. CAT Well, I’m right and you’re wrong and I’m keeping my cherry pie. PIG Oh come on! Don’t be so hasty! All I want is your pie! CAT And I want your hotdog but I’m perfectly willing to live without it. PIG But… but… [Offers CAT the hotdog.] I’ll give you a free bit. CAT I’m not going to fall for a trick like that. PIG What trick? CAT You’re going to snatch my pie while I’m eating your hotdog. PIG Am not! I just want you to see how much you like it. CAT Well, that is very sweet of you I suppose… [Takes a bite of PIG’S hotdog. She gives an “mmm” of approval and snatches the hotdog and runs.] Ha! I’ve got your hotdog and I’m not letting go! I’ve got your hotdog! PIG Hey, give it back! [Chases CAT.] Give it! Give it! What would your father think of you now! [PIG pounces on CAT and BOTH fall on the ground. PIG takes the pie and devours it in several messy bites.] CAT No, my pie! Stop it! Help, someone help! A pig is eating my pie! A pig is eating my pie! [Beat] Fire! Fire! [PIG finishes and stands, breathes roughly.] PIG It could have been a fair trade. CAT [Crying] I don’t even want your hotdog anymore! [Throws hotdog to the ground.] Just leave me alone! Please! Oh, poppa… PIG Fine, I’m done with your pie anyway. See ya around, stupid little b***h. [Exit PIG.] CAT Poppa is going to be so angry… oh, the ovens… [CAT pulls out a razor and proceeds to cut her wrists, length-wise.] Fade out. THE END © 2008 Michael Keene |
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1 Review Added on February 27, 2008 AuthorMichael KeeneSummerville, SCAboutNot much to say really. Tall, blond, devilishly charming. You know, that sort. more..Writing
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