Stop doing This!

Why are you doing this?

You stupid prat, stop it! … do you think this is funny? Believe me, it's not! Damn, you're such an idiot! What's your problem?

You think you're so great, right? I'm telling you again! This! Is! Not! Funny!

You… You always have to exaggerate, what? Dramaqueen! What are you waiting for? What do you want me to say?

… an apology? Is that what you want? Are you serious?

… ou you… screw you! Do you really want to tell me that this here is my fault? I mean… okay, sometimes I'm cruel. I know. But… You don't care about that! You're always laugh about my sayings! Do not take seriously my digs! All this things bounces off of you… aren't they?

… listen… sometimes, I can't help it! Siblings just say such things to each other! That's still no reason to… overreact like this!

… you… You don't even really listen to me, right? Should I just talk to the wall? Seriously, screw you, idiot!

… okay, that was mean again! I admit that, okay? I… I'm sorry! Did, there is your apology! I! Am! Sorry! Are you happy now? Will you stop it now?

… really? What else do you want? Shall I go down on my knees, begging for forgiveness? It's enough already, okay? Why are you doing This? What do you want to achieve?

… do you think… do you think that I hate you? Was that how my behaviour came across? Oh please, that's a bad joke, right? You don't really believe this! You… You are my little brother… I love you… we all love you! Also mom!

Yeah, I know how she treats you. As if you weren't good enough. But… that… that's not true.  I don't know either what her problem is.  Maybe she's unfair, yes, but… I'm sure she doesn't mean it!

Is  that the reason for… for all of this? If it's so, then… then I will tell her. Okay? I'll tell her when you just stop it; we can talk about it, all together if it's hurt you so much; just stop it… please… You… You're scaring me. 

F**k, I can't believe that I really said that! But it's true, okay? You terrify me. So stop. Please. 

… do you still don't listen to me? Or do you ignore me? Stop it! Stop! Stop! … it hurts! It hurts, don't you get this? So stop, goddammit!

…I really thought you don't care! You… You never reacted… never get angry or cried… so how should I know… I am sorry! How many more times do I have to say that?

I am sorry that I insulted you so often.  I am sorry that I laughed about you so many times! I am sorry for every time I spoke evil about you! I'm sorry that I tripped or pushed you so often. I am sorry, okay? So stop it!

Come on, what else can I say? I was an idiot! I was unfair! Didn't even realized it… when I came home from school, I was so done from all the digs my schoolmates did… I had to vent my frustration at somebody… and somehow… that one was always you…

I never really meant it in a harmful way! Really! I just… never really thought about it... it was stupid! It was nuts! You're right! I'm a terrible great sister! Just like my classmates. 

Can you stop now? Please.

You… you can borrow my comics if you want! I know you find them great! And for me, you can use my PlayStation, too! If you just stop… please… it hurts so much…

You had your fun! Now it's enough! Seriously! Stop! Stop! Stop!

… just stop this…

 

Tears are streaming down her face, while she hits the cold, blank stone with clenched fists, again again, sobbing and whining without any control.

Her entire body hurts; from screaming and from the violent cramps that overcome her again and again, and from the cold that enters her bones and makes her shiver. 

She can't take it anymore. Want him to stop with that cruel game which is everything else then funny, before he drives her insane…

It hurts so bad.

Maybe she deserved this, even likely she does, but she apologized herself; and she mean it. He has to understand it… so why won't he stop?

Thunder growls in the distance, but she doesn't notice it, and even if she would, so she wouldn't care. For her sake, the whole world could go down. If he'd just stop right now…

At this moment, she feels a hand, laying on her shoulder. She winces violently, but there is no scream that's escaping her mouth, Her throat is to sore and hoarse.

The soft, quiet voice that's getting to her ears brings shivers down her spine. 

„Darling, stop this. You know that there's no point.“

She turns around, suppressing another sob, as hard as it is. 

„Yeah, but… he…“

She's interrupted. 

„I know it's hard. But you can't change it. Do you still don't get this? Come on. We're going home…“

She doesn't want to, but let herself be dragged anyways, looking back to the place whose pure view makes her feel like someone stabs her heart.  Even after such a long time. 

„I just want him to stop!“, she almost screams; her voice cuts the silence of the surrounding, and now her mother is the one who's wincing. „I want him to stop pretending to be…“

„He's not pretending, goddammit!“

She takes a step back, frightened, looking in her mother's tired, tensed face. She can't remember to heard her curse ever before… and now, she realizes hot, salty tears streaming down her face. She wants to wipe then away, but her body isn't obeying her anymore. She feels paralyzed. Let herself be dragged further, unable to escape the firm grip.

She can hear the dull voice of her mother who's still insisting at her, but she can't understand just a word of the spoken, she immersed to deep in her own thoughts, in her sorrow and despair.

It's true. She can't change it. But it's so incomprehensible hard to accept that fact… and she feels so guilty. So incredible guilty. 

„I just want him to come back.“, she whispers. „I just want to tell him how sorry I am…“

Her words are swallowed from the distant thunder.

The first raindrops fall down, the wind freshens up and let’s rustle the treetops whose black silhouettes stands out against the dark blue night sky. 

She doesn't care. She doesn't even realize. Just follows her mom along the path, passing the big firs and the small building in front of the brick wall, through the iron gate that should actually be closed at this time. 

Away from the cemetery. 

Away from her brother's grave.