You Love You

Why couldn't you just love yourself. You wouldn't have destroyed what we had

I realized I was scared to go to the places that were ours. To go and do the things that I used to do with you. There are so many memories attached with them. It’s a flood of happy and sad. But I realized those things aren’t ours. They merely were just things. That’s it. I’ve been running away from running into the memory of you. Sometimes it’s as if you died and I have to deal with your loss. You are still very much alive but the ideal man I saw you to be he, he in fact did die. Even with that truth present I no longer can run away and avoid the things I am most scared of. I go to turn on the TV and I avoid Animal planet because it’s attached to so many shared memories of just lying in bed cuddling. Or even if we weren’t physically together we would separately watch it and talk about it together. I go to turn on the radio or music on my phone. I fear listening to Hozier or Alt-j because we went to their concerts together. Yet they are MY favorite. They were before I meet you. Yet I sit here letting you take those away from me. Slowly I feed you power that you don’t deserve or really know how to manage. I go to lay in bed and I resist that urge as long as I can. Sometimes I feel as if your presence still lays next to me. Yet it is me alone in an empty bed. It scares me how empty it is. Yet what’s more scary is that maybe someday there will be someone in that place and it won’t be you, like I have been imagining for a long time. I was secure in the thought that I could live a life creating memories with you. But now that’s scary and not a comfort.

 Loving you was fearless. I didn’t second guess a single thing and I didn’t hold myself back. It was THE biggest risk I have taken in my 20 years. Honestly I didn’t have to fight for you. Everyone just fell in love with you the same way I did. Yet we never really questioned certain things you did it was just something that we accepted. Like your overbearing kindness to everyone. Everyone you ever interacted with you wanted them to be your best friend. You wanted them to know how much you cared about their safety. But what about you? As you were chasing perfection for everyone else you never stopped for yourself. And even when you asked to do that you did the opposite. You didn’t work on you, you worked on making yourself more noticeable and likeable. Why couldn’t you just focus on liking yourself? That really isn’t that hard to learn to do. It’s a daily task, but it doesn’t take the whole day, only a few seconds. 

Author's Note

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