Emotionally Cheated Heart

Life will knock you down a few levels. How does one cope with suck a thing. Cheating is more than a physical thing.

there is this sea of people that surrounds us. There are those in which we trust. There are those in which we are weary. Both are nesisary in our lives. WIthout them we do not build strength. My story begins in the hospital, not when i was born but when i was at my weakest. drinking was my worst enemy only to be just as dangerous as food. The pain my head could handle was unbelievable. My body tried to give life its best fighting chance at normalcy. But it broke, no longer could it fight on. At that point i laid in my pain and suffering scared that this was the last and final view i would have. Things would improve only to go straight back to where i began. when my miracle finally hit me i felt i was given this second chance. I was shown how loved i am, i saw how much people cared, i saw how much i mattered to the world.

So the world through me into the bountiful pit of college. Where i took hit after hit after hit. Moving rooms, being apart of useless drama, fighting with myself to eat, trying to be an amazing student. Those were only the most apparent struggles. Yet the one i thing i thought was my saving grace the one thing i thought got me through all of these things was him. Him. He no longer gets a name, he is stuck a pronoun. When you find a best friend and a love in the same person its entrances you to be the most amazing person you can be. You give yourself tirelessly to that person. Every day and every night they are you priority. The worries that encase you escape in their presence because their being is just comfort to you. Every last secret you have, every dream, wish, desire, everything is spilled to them. Its this indescribable feeling of just gushing openness. Whethere you wanted it to be that way or not you have no choice. 

Life hits me with bad company to live amongst. Life hits me with declining me a job that would set me up for success. Life hits me with his cheating truths. Which one is the one that broke me most? You pick yourself up after each little thing and say this is going to make me stronger. I am going to defeat this demon inside of me. But his cheating is my krypotonite. It is the one thing that i have fallen to my knees begging that by the grace of something i won't be stuck down this far. I trusted him with my being. I believed when he said where he was going was intact where he was going and what he was doing. One can give all the respect, patients, love, kindness, devotion, and everything one can possibly ask for but it doesn't matter. We are forever begging for something more. At what cost you ask? There isn't one that is high enough that he wouldn't take it. He talked to her for no purpose. There was nothing he was missing, he felt safe, he felt loved. But he wanted someone as broken and as fucked up and ruined as he was just to know that broken people do exist. I will not say sorry that i figured out how to fix me. I will not say sorry that when i am at my weakest i find a miracle. I realize now he was not it. If he had been my heart would still feel full. My entire being wouldn't be lost in the stars. For a few silly conversation he will never pay the total price. He will never feel the pain and suffering i have. Wheather it be my physical or emotion he will deal with something entirely different that i will never know how to accept. Does one forgive and forget? How does one erase an emotionally cheated heart? 

Author's Note

The grammar is supposed to be lacking. This are supposed to be miss-spelled. Its supposed to be as messy as a broken heart is. If anyone has anything similar please share, share anything tips comments helpful things. My heart cant take any more hurt. I thought the search had ended yet it just began. Join me on my emotional roller coster