Lost Forever

The night is the hardest. The darkness comes and takes my happiness. It leaves me lost in my mind with no way out. I’m trapped, and only by the chains I have given to myself. I find the joy of human connection to no longer make me happy but only makes me scared. Lost in trying to make someone love me. Why can’t my love for myself be enough? Do we all struggle with this? That I don’t know.

I find it hitting me harder and harder as time passed. The loneliness used to be tolerable, even desired at times. Now it haunts me like my worst nightmare. I feel its constant presences. All I can do is make it disappear from my thoughts for an hour then I look around and realize it’s still their lurking. It laughs at me, points at me and tells me how much of a disgrace I have become. You used to be that kid who fixed all the problems. You used to be one of the happiest kids, you took whatever life threw at you. You felt pain and said it will only make me stronger. Now you feel pain and say I guess you can win this time. Where have you gone off to? I am in constant fear that I will never get rid of this hideous loneliness. I want happiness, I crave it so badly that even if it’s fake I think it’s wonderful. It’s not. It only makes everything worse.

Please come home. I want to no longer be scared. I want to break free of these chains. A smile that is real would be nice. God please free me. I am on my hands and knees now begging you. I can’t do it anymore. I have so much to live for but I am tired of fighting myself for it. When will I change? I wish I knew how to believe, how to change, how to be okay. Please make me, me. 

Author's Note

If anyone has words of advice they are greatly appreciated. I feel like i am in constant struggle with no way out. Hopefully my writing will help.

Reviews

[mappingthenight]

It took me a long time to love myself, and even now I don't love myself fully. There are always parts of me that I am unhappy with, but for whatever reason I have found happiness in my own company. I have found what makes me, and me alone, happy. Whether it's playing music, painting, reading, writing, riding my bike and feeling the breeze in my hair - I know that when I'm down, there are things I can do to give me some comfort.

"I’m trapped, and only by the chains I have given to myself." - I think this line says a lot. We are our own biggest enemies, our hardest critics. I've taken some time to become more aware of the thoughts my mind produces - brain noise - and that's the thing, that's what our brains do. They produce thoughts. And if we really listen to what those thoughts are saying, most of the time it isn't helpful or positive, yet it's those same ideas that we identify with. Some of the most profound advice I have ever heard was this - Just shhh. Shhhh. Tell your brain to be quiet, as hard as that is. It's hard to shut that down, but so much of our suffering is connecting to these negative thoughts as if that's who we really are. Sometimes, I just close my eyes and take and deep breath and tell my brain to shhh. It doesn't last long, but for a moment there is peace. Then another inhale, another shush.

I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you. But know you're not alone in your struggle.

[RenMc]

I appricate greatly that you one took the time to read my writing and then to comment, it means a lot. It helps but my only thing is that i spend so much time saying to myself don't think about that, that i actually spend much more time thinking about it. I haven't found that thing that quiets my mind quite yet, i hope to someday soon though.