Nothing Else to Say

I never told anybody what I dreamed about

I never told them, never a whisper nor a shout

Of the dreams that danced in my mind

Of the nightmares that burned inside

The thoughts of blood and death, of pain

Each dream different, each dream the same

A terror that wove a tapestry on my dream loom

That hangs in bloody tatters in my mind room

A vision of horror and anger, such a rage

That makes me tear at my skin, blood on the page

Blood on my fingers, tears in my eyes

Fear in my heart, fear that creates lies

Hope lost forever, despair takes its place

And I hide it all, a smiling mask on my face

Who ever said life would suck this bad? 

Why is it that no matter what, I'm always sad? 

Scars in a random pattern run down my skin

Evidence of my failures, proof of my sin

I am nothing but a disappointment, a mistake

I do nothing right, I give none, I only take

I have nothing to offer anyone, nothing at all

I am unwanted, a nuisance, into depression I fall

A fool I was to believe that I would receive anything

That I should get anything but what I am: nothing

I am nothing but an animal, I belong in a cage

I have nothing within but a psychotic rage

Ripping at my own flesh and wishing I was dead inside

That I could feel nothing because of the monster in my mind

This creature that whispers in my ear words of hate 

Words of defeat, of loss and pain, it's too late

Most of the time I just wish that dead I lay

There's something wrong with me, nothing else to say. 

So if you hear me screaming at night

If you see me fighting with all my might

If you feel my fear, my pain, my rage

If you read my desperate words on this page

If you taste my sweet blood on your skin

Know that I am punished for every sin

Know that I wish that things were different now

Know that I wish I wasn't alone somehow

And if you can rescue me from the demons

If you can save me from my dreamings

Then help me, save me from these nightmares

Because I cried alone all night and no one cares

I'm down here all alone, begging on my knees

For God to save me, I'm saying pretty pretty please

But the pain only gets worse, a burden I can't bear

Someone help me, someone save me from my nightmares

I'm screaming for you not to leave me all alone

But no one listens and my heart feels like a stone

Could it be that I had everything all wrong? 

I don't know, I'm hanging by my fingernails and not for long

In no time, I'll be falling, plunging into the dark

Into the clutches of my monster, who grins like a shark

And no matter how much I scream or how I cry

I'll never be able to do anything but lie

To say that I'm just fine, that I'll be okay

Because there's really nothing else I can say

For he doesn't care, he won't listen to me

My pain, my agony deep inside he won't see

He refuses to take notice, I am lost

In his eyes I am a mistake and now I pay the cost

I want to just break down and cry

Tears and pain, clinging to my reason why

Holding tight to the one for which I threw everything away

Foolish child that I am, nothing else to say. 

So now I am plagued by doubts and fears

I can't sleep, I have nothing but nightmares and tears

And a pain that aches deep in my chest

An agony that keeps me from any rest

Except for when my reason why holds me tight

Reminding me why I held onto him with all my might

Showing me why I let everything else go

Because I belong with him, that for sure I know

He's my safe harbor in a storm, he is my heart

The one I lost, before he left, he tore me all apart

But my reason why walks in, picking up all the pieces again

He puts me back together, soothing the terrible pain

 Calming the horrible rage, banishing my fears

And in the most gentle way possible, wipes away my tears

His soft whispers tell me that I am not a waste

And his kiss is a Heaven in itself, such a sweet taste

And even though I still hurt deep down inside

I somehow find a way to lock up the beast in my mind

I somehow tame the terrible anger and hurt

And I carefully remove from under my nails the dirt

And the blood from the scarring, staring up at the moon

Whispering a soft prayer, telling myself I'll see him soon

All I have to do is keep my fears at bay until then

So I just keep writing, words flowing from the pen

Keeping the monster from breaking free

Hiding all my pain and fear inside me

Until I see him again, when he'll hold me tight

And his love drives back my eternal night

Saving me from the dreams of pain and despair

When I have a nightmare, he'll be there

I sleep so soundly and deeply within his embrace

I'd rather be there than any other place

He forces back the bad dreams, rescuing me

He is what I need to live, can't they see? 

But all the one I lost had to say he said with anger

And as time went one ,neither of us saw the danger

Now we are on opposite sides of a rift; he walks away

He wants nothing to do with me anymore, nothing else to say. 

Was it wrong for me to dream of flight? 

Was what I felt was true, never right? 

Was it a sin to think I could escape the night? 

Was I a fool to feel so safe when he held me tight? 

Was it foolish to think that love would save me

When all that I am is a half-orphan to be? 

But if I really was so very, terribly wrong

Why have I held onto him so tightly for so long? 

Why do I feel like what I am doing is right

Even if it seems as impossible as flapping my arms for flight

Why do I still want so badly to foolishly try?

A voice whispers in my ear that his love is a lie

But then why does the sweetness in his voice ring true? 

The one I lost says he is a liar and a fake, too

But he doesn't know my reason like I do

He's never heard the truth inside his "I love you"

So why does it still hurt to lose the one I lost? 

Is it because he so casually aside me he tossed? 

I don't know, but now it is far too late

I fear that all he feels for me is just hate

And so I lay in bed the pain of it making it so I cried

Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I hadn't said he lied

But it's too late now, I've lost my dad

He doesn't call me his daughter anymore; that makes me sad

So I have to move on now, I have to remember the reason why

The one that will always love me, and be there while I cry

And hope and pray that my reckless roll of the dice

Pays off and I don't end up falling through thin ice

So now I must cage the anger, hedge the rage

And keep more blood from spattering the page

For no matter how much I want to die

I can't yet, I made a promise to him and I won't lie

So I fight back the monsters that aren't under my bed

Or inside the closet, I fight the ones in my head

Whispering dark things, but I have to ignore it

I've lived through the worst of all that drama s**t

So now I have to do my best to live and not run away

I just have to hold the one I love tight, nothing more to say. 

Reviews

[sav]

i resonate with this so much. it was angelically written.