Inner Workings One: Sadness

Read at your own risk.

Many people categorize 'sadness' as 'not feeling happy' or 'feeling down,' but personally, I think it's more than that. I think sadness is something that can't be summed up as 'feeling down' or ' not happy.' I think sadness is something words can't describe. It is a feeling far deeper than any ocean or sea, and more complex than any "real world problem.'

"Then what exactly is sadness? If it can't be conveyed through words, what is this tantalizing feeling that can't be conveyed? Is it something that everyone feels and perceives differently?"

The simple answer: No. Sadness isn't a feeling at all. It's a way of perceiving something. For example, if you see a wounded animal on the street, begging for someone to help it, you might say you feel sadness. But, in all actuality, can you really call that sadness? It isn't you that's suffering, so why do you feel 'sadness.' Simple, because you are perceiving that it isn't something to be happy about.

"That makes no sense. Are you saying that we ourselves can't feel sadness or something? Are you saying we only perceive the sadness of others? How?"

I wonder.

I wonder if this feeling we call 'sadness' is truly just an emotion I don't know how to convey. Is it something I have grown so accustomed to that I can't tell when I'm happy? Have I wore my mask and played my charade so well I have lost the ability to tell when I feel a certain way? Have I become so numb to everything that I don't feel anything?

Who am I?

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"Who goes there? Stop this instance," yells a voice. He approaches, hand gripping the sword at his hip. "Why have you come? Do you have business with the Seer?" he asked, his voice harsh and demanding.

Seer? Who's this 'Seer' he speaks of? How did I get here? Who am I?

"Speak, or I shall make it so you cannot!"

"U-umm... Hello," I chuckle, feigning the smile I have become all too accustomed to. "I'm really just wondering about. I don't know where I am right now...could you help me?"

"Hmm," he grunts, looking me over. "Fine. If you close your eyes and then reopen them, you'll see the path you wish to take. Now leave before I change my mind," he finishes as he vanishes into the far reaches of my mind.

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"What was that?"

A figment of my imagination. Sometimes the true thoughts that cross my mind are too dark for me to think, so I fill my mind with silly dialogue or events that keep me from drowning in this tantalizing feeling known as 'Sadness.'

I'm sure I'm not the only person that allowed their mind to wander, only to wish they didn't have one at all. I'm sure I'm not the only person that feels there is no escaping the 'sadness' they harbor in every word, every look, every feeling they have. I'm sure I not the only one... I'm sure...

"Why are you so pathetic? Why are you so 'sad?' Why are you even here?"

I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

I'm just an empty shell of a human putting on the world's best act.

I'm just-- Stop-- a doll fulfilling the wants-- Stop-- and needs of everyone around me.

I'm just a glutton feeding off the feelings of those around me because in all actuality-- STOP--

I'm a shell of the girl that once was. A shell of the girl who was happy, fun-loving, and a dreamer.

Now, I'm just her aftermath. Her shell that feels nothing, but wishes for everything.

I wish I could feel things the way others do. I wish I could express true happiness. I wish I didn't have to look at examples of emotions to be able to perceive them. I wish I didn't have to feign emotion, and cover it up when I let my true emptiness show. I wish... I wish…

What is 'Sadness?'

Many people categorize 'sadness' as 'not feeling happy' or 'feeling down,' but personally, I think it's something the world could do without.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far if you have. I know it sucks...

Well, see you next time,

                                    Ren Nightshade

Author's Note

Just a toe deep.