I Know

A Story by Julie

He never told her when she told him. Finally, she couldn't tell him when he told her.

“I love you, Derek.” She whispered, drawing mindless patterns on his bare chest with her finger. Her other hand rested on his chest, her head on top of her hand. She could hear and feel the gentle, even beating of his heart. Like a lullaby.

“I know.” He muttered, petting her hair.

She sighed. He’d been acting distant for a few weeks now. He wouldn’t answer any questions, wouldn’t tell her he loved her. She could feel something coming in her gut, but refused to accept it. She would cherish these final weeks and he could let her go when he was ready.

“Tara?” He kissed her hair softly, but didn’t remove his head from her scalp.

“What is it?” she knew Derek well. Something was wrong if he used that tone of voice.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

“Well don’t stall, what is it? The suspense has been killing me!”

“I should’ve known you’d sense something was off. How silly of me to put it off.” He pulled her closer until her chin rested on his chest and she was staring at his face. “I’m leaving, Tara.”

“L-leaving?” Shock was clear in her face as his words registered.

“I joined the army. I leave tomorrow to start training. The war is getting bad, so they’ll probably send me overseas as soon as my training is finished.” He explained. He studied her face and later on, would be able to tell you the exact moment her heart broke.

“Y-you can’t. W-what if something happens to you?” Tears began falling down her face. “Derek, you can’t leave me alone. Der-Bear, please. You don’t want to do this. Y-you d-d-don’t want to a-aban-abandon us. Give up e-e-everything we h-have!” She sobbed, burying her face into his shoulder. His broad, muscular shoulders. How she’d miss them. “I love you! I love you so much. Don’t leave me, please.”

“I know Tara, I know. My dad told me I had to if I wanted to ever stay in contact with him in the future. I can’t leave my family Tara. I’ll come back, we’ll pick up where we left off. Everything will be fine, you-“

“No it won’t! Y-you’ll die o-or something will happen to y-you! I-I might move on. You don’t know everything will be fine! Don’t lie to me!” She sprung up, still hysterical.

“I love you Tara, so, so, so much. I won’t lie to you. No matter what happens, I’ll do everything in my power to come back to you. I swear. You’re so important to me, I can’t even explain it.”

“Then don’t leave me.”

“That’s not an option anymore, love.”

“We could’ve discussed this. You could’ve asked me how I felt, or at least told me! Is that so much for a girlfriend to ask? To know when her boyfriend decides to go on a suicide mission?”

“No, it’s not. I was being stupid. I wanted to make it go away, act like it wasn’t happening.”

“Well how’d that work for you?” She spat out, furious and distraught. She was losing her one true love, the one she was sure she was meant to be with.

He sighed. “I know, I should’ve handled this better, but what can I do? There’s no turning back.”

“We could’ve left! We could’ve run away! But now I have to think your dead. You’re not going to come back to me. I can feel it. If you do come back, you’ll be in pieces. You’ll fall in love with someone else or you’ll die. You can die in a war Derek, people die every day. The horrors, their unimaginable. You’ll never be the same. You’ll never be my Derek again!”

“I’ll be a better Derek.”

“There’s no such thing. I don’t want a better Derek or a different Derek. I just want you. Don’t you get that?”

“I do now. I’m sorry Tara, really, I am.”

“Can you just…can you just take me home?”

He had lost. She wouldn’t forgive him, and if she did, that would be because he wasn’t there anymore. “Alright.”

-------

The drive was silent. Neither wanted to talk, they just needed to digest everything that had happened. It had been so fast, so unexpected. They weren’t sure how to handle it. They were eighteen, just barely adults. They weren’t ready for this.

He parked in front of her house and turned off the engine. The silence was deafening as he waited for her to speak.

“Good night Derek.” She whispered, opening the door. She climbed out and stood there for a second, memorizing the details of his face for future reference.

“I love you, Tara.” He coaxed. He wanted to hear her say it again, knowing she wouldn’t be there in the morning.

“I know.” She slammed the car door, walked inside, and never looked back.