Day 3

Day 3 of my diary. hope you enjoy.

Day 3

 

It is day 3 of my typing journey, and I seem to have skipped a day, it is August 6, 2011. The reason for this is that I spent a whole 24 hours away from my home and I have just returned, it feels as if I went on a mini eating rampage, junk, s**t, grime, fat, all that bad stuff. Ahhhhh, cookies, ice cream, pizza, cookies, sleep, swimming, sweet rolls, now that I read it I wish to purge the words from my body and the pages. But still I come home and stuff my face with some good healthy grilled chicken, that should cancel out all the waste that I ate before right? Wrong, but this is the curse us BIG people have. You see, I was not born with these biceps, abs, and 11% body fat, I wasn’t born able to run a mile in 8 minutes. I was born a tiny scrounge of meat and bones, and with that, I was happy. But then life presented itself to me in numerous ways, shapes and forms. At different times, in different places, situations. But we all face this don’t we? We do, at some point, my time was in about 3^rd and 4^th grade, when I began to feel like this world didn’t accept me for who I was, for who I was meant to be, yes I had the warm Christmas smiles, the birthday gifts, and the easter egg hunts, how normal, don’t you think? But in every young boy’s closet, there’s a monster. Mine was down the hall and to the right. Hello father, would you to make mom cry once more? How many more secrets shall I keep from her? How many more women will you f**k before she’s done realizing what huge of a mistake it was to marry you. Why didn’t you just let her go? Why didn’t you just tell her the truth? What the f**k are you afraid of? If you can stick your balls in another girls' mouth, you sure as hell can keep my mom from wasting one more of her days on this earth, by freeing her of your corrupt grasp. Do you want her to be happy? Was I meant to be born into an emotionally diseased family unit? Are you testing me, hoping to see me grow up and ignore every instinct you poured into my DNA strand? What is your f*****g problem father?! Does it please you to know that mom is at home, alone, crying in a corner because you took us and ignored her on Christmas!?! DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF YOU PRETENTIOUS B*****D!? I hope you’re satisfied, because you are now screwed, alone and in a sticky situation with your new b***h. But this is what I lived with, for years on end, and the only escape for me was food, food food, food food food food, and food. 4^th-8^th grade, buying pizzas and sticking the leftovers in Ziploc bags, in my clothing cabinets so I could eat them whenever I was BORED. For you see, I was a loner, thoughts consumed my life, loneliness, suicidal ideas, reality. The end result, a loner before, but now, a loner with a stamp on my face that yelled fatass, chubby, pig, disgusting, ugly, ewwww, fat boy, big boy, all that s**t that makes everyone else feel better about their weight, and I dealt with that for most of my lifetime. And now, I spit on those who defy me, be careful who you ignore, who you put down, because you drive them, you fuel their hope that one day they will look at you and shake their heads, the outcasts are the beauties of this world, I am one of them, and proud of it. Take care world. I’m off.

Reviews

[Dreamer]

oh...one more thing. Sometimes it gives us a feeling of satisfaction to think u have a chance to make them feel as bad as we felt but thts nt the best option. We're better than and so we shud behave better than the way they acted. I often thought abt being on the track that i am on now, and i wud enjoy the idea tht i was doing 'better' than them but i realized...thts nt the right way. I'll love you and forgive you even if u hated me. Why? Nt for them but for my freedom from the past and because of Gods love and grace. Keep that in mind Oren:) We NEVER want to be like them:)

[Dreamer]

This is one of the strongest emotions I have ever read. I understand this, Ive sent the most of my life fighting to believe I was worth something. Yet the very second u did, someone was always there to remind u you werent. Im an outcast to, for the most and just like you...Im proud of it. Isnt it sad the way those same ppl turn around and try to get on ur 'good' side when a few yrs have passed and u've physically 'changed'. Thts why i personally feel responsible to help others tht may be experiencing this. Make something good of all those 'bad' experiences.
Let them know that they are beautiful despite everything ppl may say. God loves us. Thanks for this enter, it will help alot of ppl. As for ur dad...ppl are so selfish sometimes. We leave them in Gods hands and pray. Ur mother must have been strong and u seem to be a strong person to :)

[Bree Marz]

I like the entry. Reminds me of how alone I get at times as well...

[Cascara (aka Sprint Goe..]

Wow...
EXCELLENT diary entry!
I can relate to you so much, because I have faced SO MUCH unfortunate things in life...
I have been hurt some times by people, and I have had a "close" one to me say I worried too much about it. Thank you, reviewers on this page, for al LEAST trying understanding the pain us suffering ones have felt.

[Tasha]

It is true, people don't know that if you call them something that it hurts them, brings down their spirit, and pushes them over the edge. People remember things a long time and if they see you again they will try to get their revenge for making their live miserable. I can relate to that, and I like the rawness of this entry.
♥ Ta'Shandra

[Chelsea.]

I wouldnt call us unfortunate. Id call people like us lucky. Sure, i bet its great having the "perfect" life, but youre right. People who dont know how to survive in such situations will crumble. Thats good though, you seem to have a good attitude about all this.

[Oren Giovanni]

It's true, you can call someone a name and you'll have no idea how many times or how long that person will remember that for, it could be years or a lifetime, it does have a negative effect on people, especially at a young age, which i experienced, but the teasing, the family problems, all the chaos only helps you learn and how to deal with these situations better than people who havent gone through these things, those people who will be lost once they are introduced to those situations, and they will crumble, while us, the unfortunate ones, will come out strong. and it is hard to avoid food when it is all you have to keep you emotionally stable, it worked for me but ruined me, but i came out strong, and defied the world. and i thank all those people who messed with me for that, because without them, i would not be who i am today. now that theyre in the gutter, i'm in the clouds.

[Chelsea.]

Well, I now understand your situation a little bit better. And I can relate to this more than you may think. Emotional eating is a huge problem, and very difficult to stop doing. It kills me inside when I see these young kids having all of these self confidence issues because family situations are causing them to turn to food for comfort because they have no where left to go. I never understood name-calling and teasing, etc. Nobody likes when it happens to them, so why do it? People don’t understand the effect it can have on someone until the person is lying in the hospital, or dead. And Oren, personally I believe that people are born into certain lives because it offers lessons that they need to learn. Being in what some would call a troubled family myself, I wouldn’t change anything. And it seems silly and confusing, but all this pain and hurt and rage, it all leads to something better if you want it to. Your sentence “I was a loner, thoughts consumed my life, loneliness, suicidal ideas, reality.” , that’s me. Everyone goes through those feelings, and if you’re lucky, you get out. Well I think you’re lucky. And when it comes down to it, just be happy with who YOU are and want to be, f**k everyone else if they don’t want to accept you. Everyone’s perfect in their own little way, remember that.

[Chris]

This is exactly how I feel about the subject matter. I can easily relate to this.

This entry is raw, unforgiving and yet has traces of optimism.