We grew young and grey

A short story i wrote long ago

We made sense, curiosity put us in a position to live, but we grew familiar, and the emotions once foreign, became obvious to the touch, the skin no longer tingled in sensation as you pressed the warmth against me, once an acid-trip infected with the loving passion only a thousand lifetimes of a romantic at heart could produce, is now rotting away like the corpse of one who never loved, but what difference does it make? A love so rich cannot remain in such wealth for eternity, can it? I believe it can, as one heart slowly dies, another slowly comes into the fortune of good lust. The way he hands the flaming torch over to her, determines whether or not the fire will burn in her soul for eternity. The way she accepts his burning passion, will determine whether or not he will feel the same way in a century. He wore her love like a million dollar coat, locking his hand in hers, promising never to let go, an arching heart caressing the skin of his chest. Her hand nervous, shaking, walking in a grey world, she never failed to see his true colors, his eyes shone brighter than the sun, heart beating like those in the great colosseum, she knew nothing like this was natural, it couldn’t be, they sat outside sharing, and making memories. The picture was perfect, no need to alter her beautiful wavy hair, her magical blue eyes, his peach skin was perfect, her rosey cheeks bloomed like spring, his lips softer than clouds…     All this couldn’t be true, worse then, it could… He had everything,  everything to lose. Nothing could ever trouble this fairy tale come true, bollocks, when their eyes connected, hers glowed like the moonlight. When their lips protected each other, nothing could separate them. The days grew into years, grey faded to a beautiful array of color, and she was to be his until they each drew one another’s last breath. A century passed between their feet, one smile in the morning, beautiful summer day, was not returned by her… The beautiful young girl who spent countless days waking her soft eyes just to see his, were now in an everlasting slumber, once realizing this, he crossed over to his sanity, walks in the park, long nights on the couch, the first time they shared “I love you” the excruciating pain to see her go home from perfect nights . He gently ran his trembling hand through her silky silver hair. Tears from the soul appeared as diamonds down his cheek, remembering the first time he laid eyes on the most beautiful girl in the world, weeping quietly as to not disturb her eternal rest. She took her last breath in the only way she could imagine, next to the only man who ever loved and cared for her just as much as he did for himself. 

Reviews

[TheSweet]

This is a nice piece that is like taking snapshot of someone's lives and gives a profound view of the situation around it. The desctiption with use of metaphor and similie is brilliant and well varied, it gives off feeling an emotion.

The main problem I have with it is the big block of writing. You could do with separating it into paragraphs where you think there could be a separation - it makes it easier to read and gives clarity to the reader by being able to reflect on each part.

And I still think there could be some more impact thrown in via rewording of some parts. More full stops to hit him the emotion if you know what I mean.

For example: 'The beautiful young girl. She, who spent countless days rousing her delicate eyes, just to see his. They were now in an everlasting slumber. After realising this, he crossed over to his blissful, ideal and conscious memories: from walks in the park to long nights on the couch. The excruciating pain caused by seeing her leave their perfect night for her home. The first time they shared “I love you”. [Enter Paragraph] '

Or something to that effect. Obviously - that's more in my style, but it's just to give you an idea of what I mean. It's mainly suggestion and food for thought. Hope this helps :) Good write - thanks for sharing.

[ThoughtsOfANemoFish]

I'm crying. This is beautiful.

[Nameless]

im speachless. i really am.

[Bree Marz]

this was quite touching Oren. good job