My mind right now.

I just had to get my thoughts out. Confusion.

Ugh. There's so much to try to remember, try to organize in my head, and it's chaotic. I'm afraid to forget- anything, any detail of anything. And so many different things keep going left and right and up and down and I don't know...I don't know.. My brain is like overloaded with everything. And it's all swirling around, and it isn't straight. I don't know what day is what and what happened when or anything. I can't peice together all of it. The entire weekend is just a blur in my mind. I remember little things here and there. But that isn't good enough for me. I don't know what to make of what I do know. And it's all scattered and a big mess. And I've got all these curiosities and I'm all mixed up. I want to write, but I don't know about what specifically; there are so many avenues to go down. My brain is in hyper mode, and I'm not sure what to do with all this clutter! I don't know what I want to do. I don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't want to do the wrong thing, then realize it was the wrong thing, and because of it, not be able to do the right thing. I don't know..I just don't know. And I thought I had a mess in my head BEFORE...hah. Now it's way more complex...in my brain. I've got logic and facts and reality and science and things that make sense...then things that are just..there and feel right..and I don't know if I could defy logic...go against what seems to be real, because what is real? What is real but a perception- our reality? And there are forces beyond that that can drive people like me to see things that other people can't see, and that's scary, because something that could run so deep could also leave a deep scar if lost. Then there's these doors, and I think, well, it can be concluded that one is pretty much open, and the other seems to maybe be unlocked? But I don't wanna potentially miss out on something that I might end up regretting missing out on. But you're not supposed to have regrets. But I'm afraid I'll never drop the 'what if'. But once you figure the 'what if', the other 'what if', that may have been and probably would be better fit, would not want to be...second best? I know I wouldn't, but anyways...there's so many riddles and metaphors, and nothing is straight. I have so many questions, and a lot of half answers. I don't know how to speak straight about certin things. There's no one to talk to about this, I won't and I can't, because this time, it's all on me. Not only does advice NEVER work, but no one needs to know my buisness in my head until (and if) I decide to act on something. F**k a duck. What do I do? That's a retorical question- no answer is needed. I think I already know. I think I don't. I think I'm confused, man..

 

 

 

 

***Update-

Outsiders never know.. so don't ask them. Adivce is stupid. Do what "feels right". Well, all that confussion and all those questions are cleared up now. I was in the clear for a while, riding easy, and now new questions and confussion have taken the old one's place. I KNOW what my problem is. I KNOW how I destroy things for myself, every time something good comes along. And I KNOW if I keep being this way, nothing will ever change. I think, no, I KNOW it's time to break the cycle. It's scary, and of course, one's comfort zone is comforting, but the answer has been in the back of my mind all along, but I've still been trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I wish I could speak as well as I write. I know I could. I'd like to use my eyes to their full potential, use my voice to it's, as well, and every other dusty, unused gift I posess, I wish to now use them all. Sure, it takes some getting used to. But it's one of two things- keep going nowhere, around and around and around, or, actually GET somewhere, but be a little unconfortable along the way. Is it worth it? Is it worth it to be happy? It's easier to just play it safe and be unsatisfied, but some risk can and probably would go very far. I need to learn to listen, and I REALLY need to learn to communicate. I need to portray the thoughts in my mind, and I need to do so in a good light. I don't want to hold back from life and oppertunity anymore. I'm allowing my mind to hold me captive, and trick me into beleiving I can't make it through. I'm too weak, and too afraid. I'd like to just dive in, and it's still pretty early in the morning- today could be my day to change. And it will. For real this time. Full speed ahead..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Say what you want.

Reviews

[Duane Klinger]

wow. . .clutter seems to be an understatement, but frankly, I believe you did exactly as I would have done. Sometimes the best thing to do is just to write as it comes and allow yourself to just get out of your head even if it is for just a short time. You'd be amazed at how much help a freewrite here and there can do. It was really tough to follow, as I'm sure it is for you. I mean, I can't offer you any advice on writing with this piece and my only advice for you: sometimes the logical answer isn't the best answer and a person should never be expected to take on life by themselves. There's always a friend there. . .just keep that in mind.
MKLINE