The Line of Numbers

A letter to the girl that took my place. It's true, it actually happened.

Dear “Number Seven”,

           

            I know what it is that you’re going through, because I’ve been there myself. I bet when you first met him, and he shook your hand, you were immediately infatuated. I bet that his charm and good looks wooed you. Whenever you were around him, your heart probably sped up, and you felt like the whole world was brighter. And when you found out he had feelings for you too, you were probably over the moon.

 

            Dating him is so magical. When he reaches for your hand, you feel complete. He hugs you from behind and tells you how lucky he is to have you. When he kisses you, your heart stops and nothing else matters; it all pales in the existence of the adoration you hold for him. You’re head over heels in love before you can even process what happened. And when you told him you love him for the very first time, I bet he gathered you in his arms ecstatically, and said those three words back to you.

 

            But then it gets harder. His emotions are all over the place. Some days he’s as light and carefree as a child, and other days he’s too moody to deal with. He’ll talk down to you, telling you how you just don’t understand the “philosopher’s mind”. You crave to be around him. All your other passions have slipped away, and he is all that remains. You no longer feel whole when you’re apart. And as your life starts to become focused solely on him, and making him happy (a very hard thing to do, for sure), you become incredibly unhappy and emotionally unstable.

           

            That’s when the abuse starts. Not physical abuse, he would never lay a hand on you. But the emotional abuse. Where nothing you ever do makes him happy. You spend day after day catering to his needs, and it’s never enough. He’s never satisfied. He takes and takes and takes, until you have no more to give. You’ll fight. A lot. He’ll yell at you, pointing out every insecurity you have. And when your tears start to fall, he’ll turn his back and walk out. And as these days go on, you know it isn’t healthy anymore. You know because you know you should be happy. So you’ll consider a breakup. And right when you’re at that breaking point, he comes waltzing back to you, giving you flowers and jewelry, sweet nothings and ‘I love yous’. He will sit you down, tell you how selfish he has been, and how he wants to change. Because no “boyfriend should make his girlfriend cry this much”. The hope will bubble up in your chest, only to be popped when he lets you down again and again.

 

            By now, the abuse has reached its peak. He does what he wants when he wants, and you can’t say anything else otherwise. He wants to take a girl out to a movie, and pay for her, and go get ice cream afterwards? There’s no point arguing about it. He’ll tell you it’s not a date, and then get mad and say you don’t trust him. Does he want to cancel the date plans you’ve made to go hang out with a different girl? You’ve got to shrug it off and say “I understand”. You’re miserable. You feel worthless. You hate yourself. And he’s out doing what he wants, but complains even more to you just how unhappy he is.

 

            You don’t feel like you deserve any better. You think that you’re an awful girlfriend, and that you don’t deserve to be happy. You should just suck it up and be glad that any guy at all would show any feelings for you. You have to accept the fact that he’s probably cheating on you, both emotionally and physically, because if you bring it up, he may finally dump you. And if you lose him, then life is no longer worth living. The misery of your life seems never ending. And the boy that once told you that you were the most important thing in his life no longer cares.

 

            The same guy you love, I loved too. This same guy came after you less than two months after leaving me. Less than two months after he had feelings for, and been rejected by, the elusive girl he cheated on me with. Did you know that he told me he planned on being single? Did you know that he told me he always rebounded from one girl to another, and this time it was going to be different? He told me he was going to take at least a few months (probably 6 or so) to sort out his single life, get used to college, and become a better Christian. And in a span of less than two months, he dated and broke up with me, cheated on me with another girl, and started dating you. That isn’t a guy that sorted out his single life. That’s a guy that doesn’t know HOW to be single. And that’s not healthy. He doesn’t deserve you. You, someone who probably treats him well and loves him with her full heart. He will never be able to care for you in the same way you care for him. More likely than not, he’s going to hurt you too.

 

            He’s naïve. He doesn’t understand women, no matter how much he thinks he does. He plays with girl’s hearts without any care of the consequences. And the fact that very many people want nothing to do with him should have been some sort of clue to you and I. We should have known better. But unfortunately, what’s done is done. And I’m sorry he came after you. I am so truly sorry.

 

            And perhaps you’re still in that honeymoon, head over heels phase. If so, enjoy it, because it’s beautiful. But if not, if you’re starting to feel lifeless and worthless, get out. Get out before you’re in too deep. It’s not healthy. He’s not healthy. Because of him, I needed to go on medication to help me. Don’t let that happen to you. Every day, I worry about you, despite others telling me you’re not my burden to bear. But every day, I remember the pain he caused me, and feel pangs of guilt, because I never warned you. I just let him snatch you up. And you were tied deep in his spider web of lies before the guilt set in.

 

            I barely know who you are. I’ve never met you. I’ve never spoken to you. I saw a picture online, that’s the only way I know what you even look like. But we have a connection. We’re numbers in a row, the line of girls he thinks about, and is never fully over. Number 5 was always on his mind when he was with me. I wonder which one he is thinking about with you? This is child’s play, and you and I, we’re not children. He is. Please get out before it’s too late.

 

                       Sincerely,

                                   “Number six”