Not sure where this came from. I'm sitting here, door open to my deck, fall trees outside and a cool breeze wafting in, hot coffee beside me. I'm editing chapters of my novel, and then, out of nowhere, come the first words for this poem. Literally, out of nowhere. So...I stop...write them down...and wonder, wtf, right? Not sure how polished this is, but wanted to get it out there while it was still fresh. Before I overthink things. Let me know what you think...edits are a writer's best friend.
My Review
Would you like to review this Poem? Login | Register
The structure of this is great, like inner thoughts pushing back with confidence and providing a guiding hand. The motions that follow those thoughts are so real in their depiction as well. Many people could use words like those above right now. Thanks for sharing, I'm glad I read this.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you Jack. I'm glad you liked it.
And thank you for the read and review. Appreciate it.
The fact that you said that this just came out of nowhere was mind blowing to me. The poem holds so much feeling and I honestly had a great time just reading it. I've been needing to relax this week and reading this reminded me that I just needed to breathe. I absolutely loved how you wrote this and how well it sounds. The way it's structured isn't similar to the poetry that I read, but the diversity in your writing is just the icing on the cake. Please keep writing like this, because I can't wait to read more! Loved it!
Thank you Chase. Sometimes they come easily, sometimes it's a long drawn out process.
The st.. read moreThank you Chase. Sometimes they come easily, sometimes it's a long drawn out process.
The structure on this one is something I'm experimenting with. I believe that the visual presentation is important, in that we have the ability to generate feeling though how the lines flow...a sense of smooth flowing words, or sharp stabbing lines of discord. The last stanza in this poem....I wanted to create a mental picture of being centered...lol...probably all in my head, but I thought I'd try it.
8 Years Ago
No no no, it's not all in your head! I think you accomplished what you were trying to do! The way th.. read moreNo no no, it's not all in your head! I think you accomplished what you were trying to do! The way that you centered it did really drive home the "relax just breathe" sort of feel. I loved it! Very pleasing to know that you put so much time and effort into the structure alone. Very impressed!
The importance of relaxing with slow,deep breathes to relax the mind in full anxiety. Where ever these writes are coming from don't shut the door! This reminded me Of my fav by Pink Floyd " Dark side of the moon and the song breathe."
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you, Andrew.
Sometimes I wish I could capture the light-hearted, quirky, off-the-wall k.. read moreThank you, Andrew.
Sometimes I wish I could capture the light-hearted, quirky, off-the-wall kind of magic you weave...but I am the dark side of the moon for sure...lol.
Some good self help contained within. When thoughts start rolling and cascading through the mind until dizziness, sometimes we have to remind ourselves of the basics, like breathing, waking, facing the day. If you say it long enough, we eventually remember how to do it without prompt again. Slow and steady catchy monkey too.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
LOL...love your perspective, Nemo! Yes...sometimes it's just putting one foot in front of the other... read moreLOL...love your perspective, Nemo! Yes...sometimes it's just putting one foot in front of the other...glad you liked this piece...and thank you so much for the awesome review! :)
Love the way this is written.
Love the message & content.
You bring such newness & uniqueness to your writing. It really is a pleasure to read & see.
You are a stimulating writer.
Phoenix
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Phoenix! Thank you so much. Your words truly touched me. I don't see my work as all that great...but.. read morePhoenix! Thank you so much. Your words truly touched me. I don't see my work as all that great...but I know I'm unconventional. I like stepping outside the box a little...and it's so wonderful when others enjoy it as much as I do. Thank you! Pam
Reminds me of myself. Not trying to sound like an old man or cocky or proud of anything. But especia.. read moreReminds me of myself. Not trying to sound like an old man or cocky or proud of anything. But especially when you say you know yourself that your work is unconventional. Idk ...reminds me of myself and then I think back to everything I have learned by traveling the writer's road less traveled.
I guess what I mean to say is that ...I am excited for you. Never doubt yourself. That difference is your own voice, screaming at you from within. LISTEN TO IT.
Phoenix
8 Years Ago
I am trying...I just keep plowing forward on my own less traveled path. I don't expect anything...so.. read moreI am trying...I just keep plowing forward on my own less traveled path. I don't expect anything...so when others enjoy what I create, it's deeply humbling and intimately rewarding.
8 Years Ago
Follow feeling, with no expectations. Carry a vision though - that thing you are plowing toward. read moreFollow feeling, with no expectations. Carry a vision though - that thing you are plowing toward.
You will be shocked at what you discover. Patience and tenacity to you. You have all my support.
Reminds me of waiting and hoping the other side wouldn't see me. Breathing hard breathing easy.
Also reminds me of the 26th mile in the marathon, where nothing comes out.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
LOL...you will NEVER see me at the 26 mile of the marathon. My crawling body would be back at mile t.. read moreLOL...you will NEVER see me at the 26 mile of the marathon. My crawling body would be back at mile three or four. Thank you, Paul. Appreciate the review very much!
yes ..just breathe!!!! its why homeopathic medicine, midwives, MDs, Chiropractors and and yoga people call it a cleansing breath ...and the Good Book ... "the Breath of Life" ..:) this is just my cup of tea... its nitty gritty real with sound advice and encouragement ..i wouldn't edit a thing ..editing can also be a writer's worst nightmare ;)) i'm glad i read your Author's Note first ..as a result i was invisible, the voyeur ... watching and listening as you gave birth to this poem on the deck, in the fall, among the trees ..i enjoyed this experience ...well done says i!
E.
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
LOL...thank you, Einstein! Sometimes inspiration comes at the oddest times, doesn't it? Thank you so.. read moreLOL...thank you, Einstein! Sometimes inspiration comes at the oddest times, doesn't it? Thank you so much for your comments, and for taking the time to review this piece. Sincerely appreciate it!
I am really known for editing people's work, especially poems. Is this case I don't think it needs polishing. A combination of exhilarated fledgling discovery and self talk.
It's powerful.
I do wonder if "You are truly okay" might read stronger without 'truly'. And 'as you look at the world...' could become a command 'look at the world...'. But it works without the changes, too.
I think you should definitely follow your muse, it takes you to magnificent places!
Posted 8 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
8 Years Ago
Thank you S. Mi! I did debate the 'truly'...so taking it out isn't a biggie. I appreciate that you t.. read moreThank you S. Mi! I did debate the 'truly'...so taking it out isn't a biggie. I appreciate that you took time to read, review, and comment.
After a decade trapped by distractions, I'm pursuing my passion once again. I come from a military background...a Navy brat...and my father (now deceased) and brother, are both published writers...so .. more..