Tales from the Dollarama: Test Your Might

Welcome to a window into the world of Dollarama during the Coronavirus pandemic.

It is time to test your might. One of these stories three will be a falsehood, the other two completely, unabashedly true. Taking place on the same day no less. Prepare yourself for the first entry in this challenge. Welcome back to...

 

TALES FROM THE DOLLARAMA

 

Door duty had fallen to me yet again. The night had been peaceful so far. Perhaps the day would go over easily.

 

A duo approached the door. The man was a known shoplifter, though identifying him based on his face was no simple task considering that only a computer had enough memory space to keep track of every person who stole from our store. No, his identifier was a rather large bandage pasted to his neck. He did not wear it on this day; however, he had a large gash in its place. We'll call him gash man. The woman though, she was a new accomplice that had only recently joined him in his hunts.

 

The two stood at the door, staring at me. I stared back. They looked to each other, and walked away. I overheard one of them saying to the other that they would come back later.

 

There was a porta potty stationed at the far corner of the parking lot. It was such an extravagant landmark that the duo had to visit it. Gash man entered the porta potty, leaving his companion to wait just outside the door. Given that I was stationed at the door, I had nothing better to do than to just look outside.

 

Gash man was in the porta potty for ten minutes before the door popped open again. No one walked out, but his female companion certainly walked in. The door closed behind her.

 

By minute ten, I was in complete disbelief that I saw the woman enter. There was no way that they could both still be in there. I thought 'until I see both of them exit, I choose not to believe that I saw both of them enter that stall. My eyes must have played a trick on me, they both left when I wasn't looking.'

 

Minute twenty came. They both exited the stall. The woman was first, followed by gash man, whose pants were incredibly baggy now. Once he was fully out of the porta potty, gash man took off his pants and handed them to his companion. From her backpack, she pulled out another pair of pants for him, which he quickly adorned.

 

After finishing... whatever they were doing, they returned to the front entrance. They opened the door, but were still hesitant about coming in.

 

Gash man - "Are you guys closed."

 

I should have said yes, but I tell no lies.

 

Gash man - "Are you guys at max capacity?"

 

Again, I should have said yes. I did not though.

 

They walked in; the man's pants were still draped over the arm of the woman. As expected, they stuffed a bunch of items into their bags, but it happened when I wasn't watching them, so technically/legally they didn't steal anything. Gash man was holding a bottle of body wash the entire time they were browsing, a common tactic for shoplifters since they know you're watching what they're holding.

 

When the duo was finally ready to leave, they dropped the bottle of body wash off in the return cart before walking out the door. All things considered, that was probably the one thing they should have stolen.

 

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Heed the call, become a master of madness by identifying which of these stories three are the falsehood. We return with the second story of this trilogy. By now though, you know at least one of these must be true. That must be the most shocking fact of them all...

 

TALES FROM THE DOLLARAMA

 

Due to the pandemic, one associate must pay tribute and watch the door. Such an honour was given to me.

 

With my position, I saw every person that entered the building. One of them in particular had an air of... familiarity. It was hard to put my finger on it since they were wearing a face mask. That was not all though, adorned her shoulder was a purse so hefty that it could hold Pat Monahan's love. I didn't think much of it though.

 

By the time this customer was finished browsing, she walked by me and toward the exit. During that moment, I got a good look of her back. Funny, I didn't remember her coming into the store with a backpack. When I looked closer though, I noticed a Dollarama price tag still on it. As such, I pursued.

 

Me - "Excuse me, miss, are you going to pay for that backpack?"

 

Miss - "This is my backpack."

 

Being that I was right behind her, I plucked the tag off and pulled it toward her face. With my other hand, I grabbed the pack by the handle.

 

Me - "The price tag is still on it."

 

With my iron grip on the bag, the woman wasn't capable of getting very far, so she wriggled the shoulder straps off and plunged forward to freedom.

 

I returned inside to place the backpack down, but the encounter wasn't over just yet. The woman was now roaming the sidewalk just outside the store. She opened her purse and displayed the contents. It was packed to the brim with ovulation and pregnancy tests. She began to cackle like she was gargling marbles.

 

Miss - "Look at all the stuff I stole!"

 

I could do her one better. I opened the bag I confiscated from her and held up the items from within. It was three different packs of markers and socks. I waved them around pompously.

 

Me - "Look at all the stuff you didn't steal!"

 

The woman stood her ground though, continuing to flash her items and repeating herself. She already had the stuff she wanted, what more did she want from us? Oh, she wanted us to chase her. That was something I could do.

 

Putting down my cleaning supplies, I bolted out of the door and sprinted directly at her. Her cocky demeanor quickly changed when she was on the run. I chased the woman half way across the parking before the manager on duty busted through the door.

 

Manager on duty - "Eric! Get back here!"

 

Not a moment too soon either. I was right on her tail and I really didn't have a plan of what to do once I caught up with her. Chasing her just felt right for the moment.

 

I returned to my post, gazing out the window as I caught my breath. That was when I spotted the woman on the sidewalk on the other end of the parking lot. I poked my head out the door one last time to wave at her. I believe she gave me the finger, but due to the distance between us I couldn’t make it out. It was good to know she also had fun.

 

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At last, we finish off the trilogy of terror. You may now fully judge each entry and come to your own conclusion. Will this be fact or fiction? Will this be the second true story or will it prove the other two true? That is for you to make the call...

 

TALES FROM THE DOLLARAMA

 

Some say door duty is mandatory, my manager being among them, so for all intents and purposes it was. On this night, it just so happened to fall to me. Being that it was late at night, there wasn't much activity in the store. If Wal-Mart was closed then logically, we should be as well.

 

As I stood at my post, my mind was drifting elsewhere. That is, until I heard someone singing in a far-off aisle. It was faint, but it sounded like Lady Gaga's Shallows. I pursued the sound of the music out of curiosity.

 

In following the siren's song, I found myself in the middle of the plastics aisle. Before me stood two figures, though they were both turned around. I continued with caution, but the sounds of my steps alerted them. They swiftly turned about, revealing themselves to be none other than the Songbird and the Reese’s Bandit!

 

I couldn't take both of them at once. It was too much for me to handle, I had to get backup. I turned to run the other way, but from around the corner Frumpy leapt out, blocking the exit with both his body and the cart he was wielding. It was a nice change of pace to see him use the cart, but it meant I was boxed in.

 

The Songbird and the Reese’s Bandit swept up behind me, locking my arms between theirs. They forced me to the ground and ensured my posterior was facing Frumpy. I heard the cart clang as he put it into position.

 

Frumpy - "I told you I was gonna shove this cart up your a*s! Time to pay your dues!"

 

With that, I heard a glory screech bellow out of his mouth and the wheels of the cart spin with fury. I couldn't budge from my position; the strength of both the Songbird and the Reese’s Bandit were too great. It was going to take a whole lot more than rage and muscle to escape this situation. Nay, I was a Rhetoric Major, I used my words.

 

Me - "You don't have to take the cart!"

 

After screeching for my life, the store became awfully quiet. The cart stopped.

 

Frumpy - "Oh, okay."

 

The man shrugged and turned around, casually walking away.

 

Reese’s Bandit - "Where are you going? We had a deal!"

 

Or at least, I thought that was what she said. It was admittedly hard to understand her because her mouth was packed with Reese’s peanut butter cups. Chunks of them fell on me with every syllable she uttered.

 

Songbird - "Yeah, you were supposed to shove a cart up his a*s!"

 

Frumpy's steps halted. He spun back around with burning fury radiating off his eyes. He stomped forward, gripping the handle of the shopping cart.

 

Frumpy - "No one tells me what to do!"

 

His pure rage forced him to speak in harsh syllables. He knocked a Tupperware container off the shelf and reeled his cart back. He quickly rushed forth after gaining enough distance. He ramped off the Tupperware container, flying directly over my head, but not that of my captors. They were both knocked back with tremendous force, freeing me from their grasp.

 

The two managed to get back on their feet, but Frumpy wasn't done with them. He continued his battle cry and chased them out of the aisle with his cart.

 

Once the dust settled, I picked myself up and brushed myself off. I got lucky that day, I knew that much. I turned my head to the sound of Frumpy chasing down the two shoplifters, but I did not pursue. I walked off, heading toward my position at the door.

 

Me - "That should take care of itself."

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If you fancy yourself an answer with your scrolling, you shall find none. Your instincts are your own. But, if it is confirmation you seek, there is a price to pay. Literally. Tales from the Dollarama is now available in print format, including all the classic tales of thievery and general debauchery, in addition to new and exclusive content. One such exclusivity, the answer that you may seek. This may be your only chance to cure those sleepless nights where you find yourself left in wonder. The choice is yours.

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Hardcover:
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