I am the Misery Child

The miserable ramblings of a 17 year old

Let me paint you a picture, of the misery child.
You are the one who sits by herself and escapes in a notebook. You are the one who reads in earnest because if she has to face reality she will break. You are the one everyone turns to. You are the one smiling and joking, making passes at the pretty people the one who everyone says is an inspiration but you can hardly make it out of bed in the morning. You are the one who hides everything because it hurts..
You are the one who notices the negativity permeating your atmosphere is like a noxious cloud.. Roiling and suffocating all in its path. And no matter how hard and how long you fight.. It will always get the better of you. How can you fight, if it is against your most loved ones? The answer here is that you cannot. You can only ignore it and watch as it slowly dashes your hopes and dreams to mere shadows of how they once were. The only time you have escape is when you are at school and the rare occasions you leave the house for a weekend with a friend. So you usually stay home because they'll ask what's wrong.. and you can't bear to tell them. So you usually feel utterly horrible and useless that you stare at your wall wishing you can cry so that the emotions will go away and no tears come so you sit there and stew. Your boyfriend is the one who can fix it, but he is two states away and can't reach you physically and nothing you can do will make it better so you just have to wait. You knew loving him wouldn't be easy. Its totally worth it because he made you his queen.. It will get better. It has too. But you are terrified that it won't. You love someone so much that you would kill just to have them look at you and have them as yours, but not be able to touch them in anything other than a text so you feel utterly alone. You feel the pain of wanting something so bad that you get sick when you think about it. Because of one mistake you made two years ago you feel the pain of taking the leap and landing successfully just to have it torn all away. You know the irrational fear of everyone staring at you and seeing every mistake you make and laughing at you.
You feel like you are spoiled and broken because of things you can't control Because of one monster that Mommy's lullabies couldn't chase away.. And neither could your screams
You know the pain of feeling like you will never be good enough no matter how hard you work no matter how many things you sacrifice Because you are "just like your mother"
You know how it is to tell the truth.. The absolute truth.. And have them not believe you. You know what it's like. To have your own father tell you he can't stand who you have become.
You know what it is like to be terrified Not just scared. Terrified. Fearful of your life Fearful to get out of bed at night
You feel so ugly and so unwanted that you stop eating in the hopes that maybe they will remember you sitting in the corner and MAKE you
You hated that scrawny little girl in the mirror so much that you want to tear her eyes from their sockets and cut your own hair out and now you are ‘healthy’ you get asked if you're pregnant and getting called gross.. So you go back to hating every inch of yourself.
You get so insecure and paranoid that you have convinced yourself that everyone is whispering behind your back
Can you describe the way the earth bends right before it's about to break?
You tell me how it feels to be screaming at the top of your lungs and have nobody hear you... Or if they do you are just background noise unworthy of attention
The utter dejection of your own parents scoffing at you To the point where you feel like the only thing you bring them is pain and discomfort and disappointment.
You know the pain of being betrayed by your family. The ones who are supposed to love and uplift you, and instead they scoff and point because even among them you are an oddity
Stop pretending they tell you, get your head back on your shoulders. Pick yourself up it isn't that bad. If I can do it so can you... But they don't understand.. It's not fine.. You aren't them.. You are your own person...
That person constantly on the brink of a panic attack and the only two people who care one is too far away to help and the other won't. You're Terrified of losing the people you love and you are terrified if you lose control of your memories you will hurt people and become a monster. You are so tired of walking on eggshells around people you care about and you want to be able to sleep without the memories without waking up in pain. You want to wake up with a pair of strong arms around you and a voice in your ear telling you that it will get better. You want the urges to puke and cut to go away so you can at least pretend to be normal. Above all… you want to feel loved. Not like you are a burden that is going to get thrown out as soon as people are done playing with you. You want your heart to be whole and clear again instead of broken and dirty. You want to be a good person. Not someone who everyone is annoyed by and scoffed at and gets shunned. You wanna be yourself.. And you can't.. Because the person you used to be is so crushed and broken she doesn't know which way is up and how to pull herself back together. She is so lost and confused that she cries herself to sleep every night because no matter how hard she tries it only gets worse.

That is the picture.. And this is my face.
And..this is my home. I have demons to chase.
This is where I'll stay. Because this is my pain
I take it each day, without any gain
Through the tears that won't come and the pain that gets darker
A light on the horizon is my new day marker.
So while I mend my cape and the days get harder
Here I will sit.. Till the day I get stronger.
My name is Margaret.
Hear me roar