Queen of the Concrete Jungle

A Story by RedaSounni

A man sleeps with his ex-girlfriend and after thinking about his lifestyle and past relationship, starts looking in her apartment for something that belongs to him.

I sip my coffee slowly while watching her sleep. It’d been two years since we broke up and a year and half since I’d last felt her body. It was just as good as I’d imagined it. She’s gained a little bit of weight since, nothing that bothers me; as I’ve always liked a little meat on the bones but boy did it bother her. She wouldn’t even let me lift up her shirt at first, giggling, saying that she didn’t like her body. This girl always exaggerates everything about herself, it gets kind of tiring. It shouldn’t have taken me twenty minutes to get her naked after we started fooling around, but oh well. I’ve gotten used to it with her. She takes grand pleasure in making beg for it and in making me kiss her so much and so hard that she has no choice to oblige to my demands, giving me what I want and giving her what she wants.

The first thing I did when I walked through the door was smell her hair. It smelled just like I remembered it, a particular smell that I wouldn’t be able to describe but I’d want to have around me all day. She laughed and enjoyed it, as I proceeded to keep smelling her everywhere. Her hair was curly, which is its natural form and the way I always liked it best. Her hair reminded me of a lion’s mane, and I tell ya, she has the personality and looks to go along with it. The queen of the concrete jungle. Yeah, I like the sound of that. A noble woman who needs control and limelight. That’s why it all went wrong, really. I’m a f**k-up who’s fucked up and she couldn’t have any real control over that, but she’s the one who’s ever came the closest and I often wish she would have had. Especially in times of loneliness, laying down next to a lover I can’t stand, imagining myself next to her, head on my shoulder and conversations I want to hold forever. But then the daydreaming ends and all I’m left with is regrets and self-loathing that only I can enjoy and never share.

I think about my life since leaving her, tired of the fights, the jealousy and the suspicions that went both ways. I always think back to certain fights and moments where I wished I’d used my words differently or made her smile when she needed it the most. I wish I’d taken control in the right way without being so stubborn about the lifestyle I was leading that she didn’t need. I know that thinking and living that way, with regrets does me no good but it’s a fight that I just can’t win even if I try every day. I think about the lifestyle I’m still leading today, which has only gotten much worse since she’s been gone and how I’d give it all up if we’d only give it another try. Although I’m not sure I’d really want too, knowing that it’s the loneliness talking instead of the personality. If it were to happen, I’d give it all up for a while, then after comfort would set in, I’d feel trapped and go back to the bullshit sooner than later and just end up in worse shape than I already am.

I ponder about all of this while watching her sleep. She really does deserve the best and I know that, deep down, because there’s no way she’ll ever admit unless I give it all up on my own terms, which will never happen, she’d love for me to be the one who gives it to her. The laugh just isn’t able to lie. I resent myself for it but I just don’t know how to quit. If someone’s got the answer, they need to speak up right now because I feel like I’m going adrift in the open seas right now. That woman, oh God, that woman. And the other one’s too. As much as it hurts me not to be able to give a single one what they want, I’ll always respect and love them for what they’ve given to me. A little piece of themselves, I guess you could call it. Be it a fear, a kiss, a smile or a thought, I have to be eternally grateful to all of the women I’ve spent some time with for at the very least, helping me keep a little bit of some semblance of humanity. I start wondering about what’s missing. I know I’ll have to move on one day but I just don’t know how. Why haven’t I been able to give back anything to anyone since? I’ve just been swimming deeper and deeper into a feeling I can’t explain with no idea of how to get back. I keep looking at her and I start telling myself that it’s her fault, that she’s doing it on purpose for some fucked up reason and I realize what she’s stolen from me.

I start looking throughout the apartment for what rightfully belongs to me in a desperate attempt to still be able to give something to a future one. I start looking everywhere. In the drawers, under the sink, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the kitchen, under the bed, under the pillows, in the fridge, in the car, the living room. And with each failure, with each drawer opened, with each pillow lifted up and each corner of the apartment looked into I start getting more and more desperate about my plight. I get angry at the idea of living the rest of my life, or at the very least, a lot more years with the most precious thing I can offer taken away from me. The queen of the concrete jungle eventually wakes up with all the noise I’m making, as I was not searching in a calm manner and walks into the living room where I’m nervously biting my nails. She looks at me, half-asleep.

- What are you doing?

- Hum, nothing, just thinking. Go back to sleep.

- Thinking about what?

- My parents’ divorce.

- Aw, sweetie. You’ll be okay. You want me to make us some coffee and we talk about it?

- I don’t really feel like talking about it.

She looks at me, disappointed. I know she’s about to give me s**t for this but I can’t tell her what was really going on right? She already thinks I’m crazy enough as it is. She doesn’t stop looking at me with the look a mother would give her child just before lecturing him.

- You see, that’s why we can’t work together as a couple. That’s why I can’t be with you for too much time. You never want to talk about anything. Anything that matters anyways! All you can do is drink and f**k and be a smart a*s! Would you please just talk to me? Please? I just want to be here for you!

- Please, just stop. We can talk tomorrow if you’d like, I just feel like thinking for a little while. Can you let me do that?

She sighs.

- We won’t talk about it tomorrow. You’ll wake up and act like everything’s fine, just like you did when we had all those screaming matches, and you’ll never try to fix anything, you’ll just keep going until everything breaks down, just like it did with us. I don’t know what to do with you.

And she walks off, back to the bedroom. I sit there for a minute or two and try not to think about what she just said. I don’t want to have an opinion on the matter, so I decide to get in bed next to her.

I get in the bedroom, take off my clothes and slip in bed slowly. I can tell she’s still awake by the way she turns her back to me. I kiss her softly on the arm.

- I want to go down on you…

She turns around and responds in an annoyed manner.

- Really, that’s what you want to do?

I look at her and smile.

- I just need to look for something…