Monsters and Maidens

A parody of D and D

Monsters and Maidens

written by Jay Johnson

The mighty warriors entered the cave with weapons close to their sides. The cave was dark and damp; it sent the hero's bones quaking. Deln, the brave warrior, raised his hand. He had heard something. Slys, the nimble thief, had heard it too. He drew his knife quietly and proceeded forward behind some rocks. He hid within the shadows perfectly as the voices of goblins grew loader. Daz on the other hand, who was a rather large barbarian, had heard nothing. He let out an obnoxious and unnecessary yawn.

“What are we waiting for? Have we forgotten something?” Daz asked obliviously.

“Hush!” Deln whispered “Be silent! Do you want to be slaughtered?”

“What are you talking about? I can't hear a think.”

“Bullshit!” Carter yelled aloud as we continued playing our 'Maidens and Monsters' campaign “I rolled a 13; how couldn't I hear goblins making noise.”

“Well,” I told Carter, the one who played Daz “Your character has very poor listening skill.”

Luis, the guy who played Deln the knight was spinning his dice on his finger as he waited for us to finish our disagreement. Aaron, the one who played Slys the thief, went into the kitchen to get us some soda.

“But goblins are load as hell.” Carter complained.

“But Daz is an idiot” Luis said bluntly, still spinning his die on his finger. Aaron was looking through the refrigerator.

“Hey!” he yelled “Where's the Fizz Cola?”

“On the bottom!” I yelled back.

“I don't understand how my character couldn't hear anything.” Carter complained even more“Can I re-roll?”

“Have there ever been any re-rolls in Maidens and Monsters?” I asked him.

“Well, no, but-”

“Then quite your bitching.” Luis told him as he tossed his 20 sided die in the air and caught it.

“Does anybody want anything?” Aaron asked us from the kitchen.

“Get me Misty Mountain, please.” I said.

“Make it two.” Luis added.

Aaron walked out with the sodas and sat down. We took our sodas as Carter still complained.

“I can't believe this.” he said.

“Can we get on with the game, please?” Luis begged.

“Alright, where were we?” I asked.

The goblins lifted their clubs as the unaware Daz asked once again what was going on.

“You idiot! You've blown our cover!”

Hence the battle had begun.

The goblins charged at Deln and Daz, but Slys stayed put, hidden within the shadows of the moist cave. Deln swung at one of the goblins; somehow it managed to evade the blow. The goblen returned the attack with another of his own. Deln was nowhere near being hit. Daz took his ax and swung it at the other goblin.

Carter rolls his 20-sided die. It lands a 1.

“S**t” he said loudly.

Daz swung his ax a little too hard. He actually swung it so hard it went flying out of his hands and flew across the cave. The goblin attacked Daz with its club. Daz ducked, avoiding the blow. Slys, who was still hidden in the shadows, began to creep behind the goblin Deln was fighting.

“Alright Aaron,” I said “I know your fairly new to Maidens and Monsters. Do you remember how combat works.”

“Ya,” he told me as he quickly finished his sip of soda “We each take turns and when it's my turn to attack I roll to see if I hit and if I do then I roll for damage.”

“Wow,” Luis said surprised “For being new at this you sure know a lot.”

“Sort of.” he replied unsure of his ability.

Slys reached out at the goblin.

Aaron rolled his die. It landed on a 20.

“Lucky.” Carter murmured jealously.

“Alright! Does this mean I won the jackpot or something?”

“Your in combat,” I told him “not a casino.”

“You got a critical.” Luis laughed “Not a jackpot.”

“That works too.” Aaron smiled.

Slys slit the beast's throat. Deln smiled and thanked him as they found there other rather stupid companion fighting hopelessly. Daz, who was weaponless still, swung his fists trying to hit the gobin in the jaw. The Goblin moved backwards, avoiding the blow to the mouth. The goblin tried to attack Daz, but missed. Daz, with all of his might, punched for the goblin.

Carter rolled his 20-sided die. It landed on a 1 once more.

“Are you kidding me?!” he yelled as we laughed at his misfortune.

Daz tripped and fell to the ground and hit himself in the face. Slys took his knife and aimed it at the goblin.

“Um...” I said knowing the Aaron was still knew to the game. “You do know that, that's a hard feat to accomplish.”

“Can I still try?” he asked me.

“I don't see why not. Roll your die.”

He rolled his die. It landed on a 20.

“Wow,” I said “go ahead and roll again for the action to be more specific on what happens.

He rolled again. It landed on a 20 once more.

“Damn,” Luis said. Carter was still mad about letting his character lose his ax and hitting himself in the face.

“Alright,” I said “roll one more time.”

He rolled for a third time. Another 20.

“Jesus!” Carter blurted loudly.

“Holy s**t.” I said

“Damn,” Luis added. Aaron sat there confused.

“Wait,” he asked “is that bad?”

Slys threw the knife as a magical glow surrounded it. It was so beautiful the goblin started to cry. Without a second to spare, the knife somehow managed to decapitate the monster and fly back to Slys, landing softly and perfectly in his hand.

“I guess that it was good then!” Aaron grinned as Carter began to hit his head on the table.

After Daz once again claimed his ax, the hero's continued through dungeon. Deln, who had his sword still in hand due to his excessive paranoia of being attacked once again, led the pack of hero's. Slys had his knife in hand since he wanted to be prepared for whatever lied ahead. Daz on the other hand clumsily lagged behind them with his ax on his back.

The cave seemed to go on and on forever; the heroes wondered if they would ever find the princess....um....Na....um....lin....sha. YES! Princess Nalinsha.

“Really?” Carter said.”Princess Nalinsha?”
“Is there a problem?” I asked feeling that my creativity had been insulted.

“Ya, who the hell call's their daughter Nalinsha?” he said wittily

“Good question.” I told him folding my arms. “Who calls their idiot warrior Daz?”

“Well Daz is a better name than Nalinsha, that's for sure.”

“Oh really?” I asked “Are you sure you want to be having this conversation with me?”

“Ya,” he said “I do. This quest makes no scene.”

Aaron was drinking his soda and Luis was sitting back in his chair, enjoying our argument.

“How so?” I asked.

“So, we got sent to a cave to rescue a princess from devil worshiping goblins?”

“They're not devil worshiping.” Luis told Carter amused “They're worshiping the god of evilness: Hasmortum.”

“Hasmortum? What kind of name is that. You suck at quest ideas.” Carter told me as he laughed.

“Alright then,” I told him “If that's how you want to play.”

Out of nowhere, an odd, golden ring appeared upon one of Daz's fingers. Daz, confused because of his incredible lack of intelligence, thought it was very shinny and pretty. The ring had no reaction whatsoever.

“Oh, a ring.” Carter said sarcastic “This story is SO not cliche.”

I smiled.

The men went deeper and deeper within the cave as the noises of hellish flames filled the air. There was a faint smell of burning flesh and if listened closely you could hear evil laughter. Slys shook after hearing the demonic laughing. Deln put his hand on his shoulder. Slys turned to see his companion smile.

“Don't worry young thief, you will be fine.” he told him

“Thank you sir night,” he thanked “you are a good friend.”
“I'm hunger.” Daz the oaf groaned as Deln frowned.

“Your an idiot.” He told him

The three men continued on until they reached a stone room with a door at the end of the Hallway of the cave. Just as Deln was about to move forward, Slys grabbed him and pulled him back. A dart went skimming past his face. A slight graze was left upon his cheek. The Knight, who was shocked that he had almost me his fate, sighed in relief.

“Thank you thief,” he said gratefully “It seems you help me once more.”

The thief smiled.

“Anything for a good friend. Besides, I need somebody to protect me or at least be a human shield.”

The two men laughed. Daz noticed his ring begin to glow. Before anything else was said or done a magic bear appeared before Daz. The bear seemed to only be interested in one person. The stupid barbarian.

“Son of a b***h.” Carter mumbled as we laughed very loudly at him.

The mighty Daz took his ax to hand, but before he could do anything he was tackled to the stone ground. In a struggle, Daz pushed the bear away from him as it attacked him regardless of his will to protect himself. Deln and Slys panicked, trying to think of what to do. Deln charged the bear full on with a heavy swung that caused a nasty gash in the bear's side. The bear quickly averted his attention towards Deln the knight as he raised his sword to protect himself. Slys noticed that Daz was not moving and was covered in blood. He rushed over to him as Deln held off the challenging bear. The bear swiped at the knight causing him to stumble a little, but not fall. Deln held his ground, forcing the bear to move back. Slys was kneeing next to Daz who was nearly dead. The intelligent thief remembered his medical training that he was once given by his grandfather. He reached into his backpack, looking for some herbs, frantically trying to save his companion's life.

Deln, who was fighting bravely swung his sword, but did not manage to harm the bear in any way. The bear struck back at him, leaving some damage on Deln's left arm. Deln, clenched his teeth, telling himself to keep fighting. He attacked the bear once more, hitting its left leg. It stumbled as did Deln had from before, but did not fall.

Slys got out the herbs, some bottles of fluids, and a rag. Mixing the components as fast as he could, he then put a bit on the rag and held it on Daz's grave wound. Daz flinched and moaned due to the sting of the medicine. Slys, held the rag there, putting pressure on the wound, trying to heal it. With his spare hand he reached into his back once more and got out some medical tape and another rag. There were multiple scratch and bite marks that covered Daz's bloody body. Slys refused to give up on his friend.

Deln, who was still fighting the bear, was not giving up either. Unfortunately for him, the bear was still putting up a hard fight. The bear once again flung his claw at him. Deln revived a scratch to the face, leaving some deep marks. Blood dripped from his wounds. With rage, Deln yelled as he plunged the sword towards the powerful bear. Amazingly, it went straight through its head. He yanked the sword out as the bear fell with a thud. Uncontrollably, Deln fell to his knees, still holding his sword, breathing heavily.

Slys had already applied more medicine and bandages to Daz who started to breath normally once more. Slys saw his eyes open slightly. Daz groaned in pain again.

“Your alright friend,” Slys told him “You'll be fine.”

“It....hurts....” he replied looking into Slys eyes.

“I know it does. Just let the medicine take effect. You'll feel better soon; I promise.”

Deln slowly got up from his bloody knees and limped over to Slys. Slys finally saw the aftermath of the bear attack against Deln and quickly shot up from the ground to aid him. Deln lifted his hand, refusing assistance.

“I'll be fine. I just got a little banged up.”

“Are you sure?” Slys asked nervous about his well being “You seem a little in pain.”

Deln reached into his backpack and got out a potion.

“Sorry,” Deln told Slys “I would have given you this to help Daz, but I was a little busy.”

“That's alright.” he said “Use it for yourself.”

Carter looked at Aaron and Luis. He gave off a slight smile.

“Thanks” he said softly “I almost got killed.”

“It's alright.” said Aaron, “I'm just glad I picked the medicine skill to improve on the last level.”

“You owe us.” Luis joked.

“I do indeed own you two.” he said happily.

I somehow made there friendship stronger due to giving Carter a cursed bear ring.

Daz was laid up against the cave wall as Slys tried to pick the lock on the door that led to the princess Nalinsha captive. Slys could hear the princess screaming as if she was being tortured. Slys kept trying to pick the lock on the door as Deln drank the potion; his wounds were magically healed.

“S**t!” Slys said madly “This damn lock won't work with me.”

“Here,” Deln said modestly “let me try.”

Slys shrugged and moved out of the way. Instead of playing around with the lock, Deln choose the more “less complicated” approach and kicked the door down.

“That worked.” Deln said a little surprised with himself.”

Deln and Slys rushed inside as they left Daz to himself laying up against the cave wall outside of the door and out of harms way.

The knight and the thief saw the princess tried up on the wall with a rag in her mouth. She was trying to scream. The two of them rushed over to her and began to untie her
“Mur mur mur mur!” he mumbled under the rag that covered her mouth.

“Huh?” Deln asked”

Slys removed the rag from her mouth.

“Behind you!” she screamed.

They turned to see a sword swing towards them. They both simultaneously ducked and rolled out of the way, getting out of harms way. There that stood before them was a man with a goblin skull hat and a pelt for his clothing; he looked a little like a cave man, but a little more sophisticated.

“You dare take my maiden away from me?” he said grinning evilly “she belongs to Hasmortum! God of all that is powerful.”

Slys took a few steps back as Deln took a few forward. Deln was lashed at by the man, but blocked the attack with his blade. Their swords clashed once more as Deln tried to counter attack. The man lunged at him. With quick feet, Deln gracefully stepped aside from the point of the blade. Deln reacted by swinging his sword powerfully by spinning in a circle and hitting the man's sword as sparks flew. The man raised his sword and thrashed downward, but Deln luckily had enough time to raise his and evade from getting his head impaled.

Slys managed to sneak within the shadows of the cave and get behind the man. Somehow he noticed his presence and then lashed his sword out at him. Slys nimbly jumped back and countered by trying to lunge at him with his knife. Regardless, it didn't work Slys stepped back as Deln swung at the man once more praying that this time he might be able to hit him. The man twisted his body back to Deln and blocked the blow. The man then started to wave his sword around like a mad man. Deln duck and jumped out of every slice of his sword.

Slys lashed out at the man again and cut his back. He let out a scream and then fully turned to Slys. Pumped full of rage the man hit his knife out of his hands. He swung again at the defenseless Slys who was unable to avoid the strike in anyway. Although, Slys was saved do to Deln dropping his sword and grabbing the mans hand, restraining him from hitting his friend. Slys ran for his knife, but tripped and fell. Deln was elbowed in the ribcage and fell as well due to being behind the man and completely vulnerable.

Deln had gotten the wind knocked out of him. He tried to breathe but soon lost the ability to do so due to fear of the man who was now over him with his sword raised high. Deln closed his eyes to face his unavoidable death. The sound of steel hitting bone was made. Deln opened his eyes horrified. He looked up at the man noticing an ax that was perfectly lodged within his chest. He fell over backwards dead. Deln turned to see his savior stand before him in the doorway.

“I thought you could use some help.” said the mighty Daz who walked over to Deln and helped him up.

“Thank you.” Deln told him “I'm surprised that you could even lift your ax due to the condition your in.”

Slys got up from the ground after seeing what had happened.

“Damn!” he said excited “Can you teach me how to do that?”

“I think so.” he said happily.

So Slys, Deln, and Daz untied the princess down from the wall. The heros were rewarded with gold the filled their deep pockets to last them for a life time, but they soon headed off to another kingdom. These men were never in it for the money. No, simply for the journey itself.”

“Man that was great!” Luis said pumped.
“That was actually pretty fun.” Carter agreed.

“Can we do another quest? Please!” Aaron begged.

I laughed.

“Of course I told them.

So, the heroes headed off to go find the missing crown of the king Jebitor....

“Jebitor? Really?” Carter remarked.

“Here we go again.” Luis said putting his hand to his face.

Reviews

[snopadelic]

I gotta be fair that was really good. I uesed to love D/D and that made laugth. I liked both the actual action and the boys playing the game. Daz is a stupid name for a baberian. It was humerous, action and was really enjoyable. nice one.