The Amazing Story

I wrote this just for a laugh or two. I know the humor might be a little dry, but it's still funny.

The Amazing Story

3:23 PM

Derrick walked into Paul's room with a bag of cheese flavored snacks and a notebook. He dropped them on Paul's table that was next to the desk with a fancy computer and where Paul had already began writing their story. Paul had only about a paragraph written, but seemed to have a nice flow going. Derrick squinted his eyes to see what was on the flickering monitor.

The man with the very big mushels walked into the bar. He was like 'I'm really cool' and he had a really big mustash. When he walked in and all the women fell on the floor with noises that sounded like animals growling. He sat on a bar stool and asked the waiter for some orange juice; he really liked orange juice. A man came up from behind him and was like “Hey,” he said “I like orange juice too!” He then grabbed the orange and the other dude who got the orange juice in the first place was like “Noooo! That's my juice!” and then he punched him in the face. It sounded like a bannana splitting, but more epice.

Derrick's facial expression was self explanatory; Paul had some serious problems. Paul had finally acknowledged Derrick being over his shoulder watching him type. He also noticed that there were cheese balls. Without a moment to spare, Paul got up and snagged the bag of cheesy goodness. Derrick sat down on the computer chair and shook his head.

“Dude, you need to work on your writing.” he laughed as he started correcting the mistakes and other flaws of the story.

“Whats wrong with it?” Paul asked, still shoving the cheese balls in his face. Derick squinted once more to see all the mistakes that he had wrote.

“Well, first of all you spelled muscles, mustache, banana, and epic wrong.”

“What? Are you a grammar freak?” Paul asked him.

“No,” Derrick replied as he began to correct the mistakes “but the internet is and if we post this online like it is were going to get reviewers freaking out about it.”
“So?”

Derrick turned to him in the rolling chair.

“Are you kidding? The reviewers of writers cafe see that stuff and give you a terrible review.”

“Are you kidding?” Paul replied “All they say is good job or that it totally inspired them or some emotional s**t like that. The people who are on there only really read the poetry.”

“Is there anything wrong with that?” Derrick asked.

“No, but they don't really give a crap about spelling.”

Derrick groaned and continued editing.

“Let me show you something.” Paul told Derrick has he highjacked the keyboard and mouse. He then began to type something in. He went to a page with a poem on it from writerscafe.org that was only about five sentences long.

My heart is so dark

My insides feel like the're crawling within my blackened soul

I'm like totally falling out of my universe

A universe of sunshine and rainbows

To a universe of pain

Right below it were the comments and reviews. There were about 30 Reviews with pretty much the same messages of “your so strong” and “this is so well penned out.”

Derrick looked at the computer screen, breathlessly trying to understand why it was so highly viewed.

“People like this s**t because they can 'relate' and it's short.” Paul said to him

“But its total s**t!” Derrick exclaimed “I've seen about a thousand, if not more, of the damn poems that say the same thing over and over again! That there in pain and that life sucks.”

“Whatever,” Paul added “lets just try to work on our story.”

Derrick brought up the story they were working on onto the screen. He pointed at one of the sentences.

“He really likes orange juice?” Derrick repeated “Why the hell would he go to a bar for some freaking orange juice?”

Paul shrugged.

“Why not?”

“Its a bar.” Derrick told him “I'm pretty sure he wouldn't get orange juice at a bar.”

“How about chocolate milk?”

Derrick slammed his head on the desk.

4:02 PM

After much editing, the boys looked at the story with its improvements once again.

The mysterious man with the very big muscles walked into the bar. He glanced around the bar as he wiped the blood off his mustache. He noticed a woman at a table, smiling at his presence. He gave her a wink as she blushed uncontrollably. He finally sat down on a bar stool and raised his hand to the waiter asking for some rum with a mix of orange juice; he occasionally enjoyed a little orange juice from time to time. Unexpectedly, a man came up from behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “You don't look like your from around here,” he said “where are you from?” The man with the mustache said nothing, only sipped his drink, trying to ignore the man who did not let go of this shoulder.

Derick smiled with approval. Paul was also happy with the changes, but he wanted one change.

“The man needs a name.” Paul said, focused on the computer screen.

“Okay, but what name-”

“Ted!” Paul shouted “Ted would be an awesome name!”

Derick gave Paul a concerned look.

“Are you feeling well. This is a western, not a-”

“I said Ted Damn it!”Paul hollered again.

“Calm down man! Alright we'll call him Ted.”

Derick started to make changes once more. He stopped for a moment to think.

“We need a bar fight.” Derick said.

“Hey,” Paul agreed “That's a great idea, but we something to go along with that. How about the guy who annoys ted is a German Nazi who-”

“Whoa, wait a minute,” Derick said a little irate “Why the hell is there a Nazi in a western bar?”

Paul shrugged once more.

“Maybe he likes the orange juice?”

Instead of fighting with Paul about time era's Derick just went along with it.

4:37 PM

Ted finally couldn't take it anymore. He got up and pushed the strangers hand off of him. “You best leave me be or you'll be walking funny for a few days.” Ted told the stranger who wore a swastika on his arm. “You will pay for your insolence!” The Nazi man said with a very strong, unnecessary German accent. The Nazi pulled out a gun, but then Ted kicked it out of his hand. The Nazi swung his meaty fist at him, but Ted swiftly ducked out of way. With little time to react, Ted grabbed the Nazi by the arm and threw him over the bar table. The people within the pub started to panic and flee the scene as Ted and the Nazi still fought it out. The Nazi got up from the dirty bar floor and jumped over the bar table with a bottle of-

“Make it orange juice.” Paul told Derrick.

“What the f**k is it with you and orange juice?”

“Just do it!”

“Fine!”

-the bar table with a bottle of orange juice. The Nazi hurled it toward him.

Paul took over writing as Derrick got off to take a brake from writing so much. Derrick sat at the table in the room and munched on the cheese flavored snacks.

5:12 PM

Derrick notice that Paul had finished writing and had posted the story online. Derrick looked over his shoulder and read the remaining part of the story.

Ted was all like “Ooh Noo!” and then he, like, kicked the OJ and deflected it into the Nazi's face and he was like “How did you know that Orange Juice waz my weakness?” Ted then was like “cuz I'm Ted, B***h!” and then he turned into a rocket and s**t and flew off into space.

THE END

Needless to say Derrick began to his his head against the wall as Paul smile, knowing, at least in his eyes, that he and Derrick had truly made and amazing story....

Author's Note

Tell me what you think. It's not my best work, but I like it.

Reviews

[Nicole]

lmao. i love this.

[unspokenguilt]

LOL, well that was very interesting...in the end you basically have two stories in one ^__^ Sorry it took me forever to read it but I haven't been on writer's cafe for quite sometime. Anywho, at the risk of sounding like a robot, nicely done!

[Josh P]

Boom Bam

[J. R.]

I thought it was quite witty. The dry humor definitely works in the story's favor.

[Weston R.]

This is your best work in my opinion, and here's why:
-GREAT satire of the Cafe. So true too.
-The plot ITSELF was rather inventive--I'd love to see more stories like this from you!
-The story within the story was rather funny (and a bit random) too!
-Also, you're so strong for writing that five sentence poem. Very well penned out.
So there. Keep em coming!