Confession of a Bipolar patient

Dealing with your dark side.

Bipolar disorder is a part of my life, but it does'nt define me. I discovered after two decades of struggling with my dark side that it is possible to live well and find happiness. That happiness and stability i searched for was not only for me but for my daughter too, to leave a legacy that her mother lived well.

To tame this demon, this negative entities which were mention in Bible too in Ephesians 6: 12 , I simply let go of the past, forgiveness do wonders.

My life was a mess! With supportive friends and siblings we rebuild my life and confidence from scratches. I keep track of my mood swings, try to have every positive approach to life, write furiously to battle with insomnia untill i get bristles on my fingers.

I was a lost timid girl who was blinded by our male chauvinist soceity, whose voice for my basic rights was strangled by our soceity saying " Its normal." But everything change when i met a strict gaurdian angel whom i call Aunty. She introduce me to the world literature, she taught me how to say ' No'.

Sometimes I yap out all my feelings to close friends and drain out all emotions. Its a big deal for me. Experimenting for years to come out of my accentric behaviors was hilarious and sometimes i miss it.

Now i shuddered at the thought that a childhood traumas can destroy a precious life to such an extend that i was pregnant with hatred and anger. Feeding on those bitter memories makes me daring, fun to be with, indifferent to genuine love and an alcoholic. Challenging death was my antidote to thwart the agony inside me.

Getting through a normal day can be very tiring when you are churned with anger and sadness for a moment to be replaced by explosion of creativities and ideas. Then suddenly you are at ' All forgiving' mode as if you have just attain Nirvana. I was a walking-live-timebomb of emotions!

My sisters were the most who worries when i have my usual 'dissapearing' stunts and fly off to Himachal or some unknown destination for days with my phone switched off chasing for new faces and gigs. I thought it was cool to be away from my control freak sisters. Now, the only words i can say is, " I am so sorry."

Being an extrovert patient i tried to express it with action, being openly naughty. But what about those who are shy and introvert? Never giving a hint of their agony though they took the blows silently. How many of us are out there? Death for them might be indifferent and cold.

What cause depression? Is it hereditary?Many tiny moments of sadness or one traumatic legacy that sweeps you in a storm that you never recover from? When does the burden become so great and suffocating that taking his own life seems the only way out? How deep is her maladies that making herself bleed gives her serenity? Ever wondered why your mother seems often more forgetful this days? Was there a moment in your life where you care to stop everything you are doing and ponder about your brother who have started getting nitemares?

Depression symptoms are popping rapidly in our soceity wether its manic, borderline, bipolar, anti- social or even more deadly symptoms. Yet, instead of dealing with it we find solace in terming it as a simple mood fluctuations, growing up phase or worse, terming the victim to be crazy.

And why is it still a taboo to talk about it? May be its an alien subject for us Nagas because we take great pride in handling our own problem, it is not easy for us to open up and talk about our personal problem to others because we feel that we are burdening them unnecessarily. Or we simply accept it as normal and act as if it is normal.

But its not normal at all. It is not normal for the nuerons responsible for your emotional stability and balancing your mood do not form necessary connections. Is it fair and normal that you go through states of extreme emotional stress because of it?

The cure for it is also simple which we hardly tend to practice among ourselves- one of it is lending your empathetic ears. Listen and reach out for them. Depressed people do not need your advice, just someone to listen to them with undivided attention. Help them to nurse their emotional wounds. You never know...your noble gesture might be the reason for him to glare with disgust at the suicide note he had written earlier.

I know its going to be stuck with me for lifelong. I know the dark side of me is still lurking. It tried to emerge when my sister died and i was plunged again into deep morose. And it would not be the last time when grieve and panic overtook me. It would not be the last time, in vain, i try to absorb grieving.

But then, i always remind myself - If Mel Gibson, Mariah Carey or Linda Hamilton who were considered demi god by this generation can overcome it...then why not me?! And the biggest deal is Hope, Love and Faith. Hope of atonement, FAITH in recommitment, Love in assurance that i'll see them again in heaven.

Reviews

[John the Baptist]

I worked in the mental health field for 27 years and knew many people who had bipolar disorder. You have evidently done a lot of work to be aware of your symptoms, so you can take action when you see any particular symptom go on for two weeks. Many of the people I worked with had not yet developed this ability, so they were swept away by either depression or mania. I commend you for your courage and determination and pray for the day when bipolar and other brain diseases are things of the past.

[Paul]

I'll be honest with you. That's all I get out of your content is master and dog and that you are wise to this. That's great! What do you do for satisfaction in life? I was depressed for a long time, and I snapped out of it when I sought and found inner satisfaction. It sounds like you are ready to move on to a greater root power of wellness. That's awesome! Yeah, if you really want to, you'll figure everything out on your own time. You can do it!

[keith]

bi-polar is not something many think about and most often when they do they have a negative response.
it is not something one catches after a venture across the tracks to the seedier side.
it is a defect not a communicable disease.
there is no cure but with the correct medication at the dialed in dosages it can be managed.

i know. i am bi-polar and have been all my life. it was only in my adult life did i receive medical treatment.

a very personnel accounting of your life experiences that is admirable. thank you.