Mr. Lonely

A young man appears in a strange place after death, much to his surprise.

Michael enjoyed his poker, whiskey and casual romances. He rode a dirt bike and played the guitar, mostly to trick girls into having sex with him. He smoked cigarettes and wore a leather jacket. He was never into drama and serious matters; he avoided them like a plague. Life is a game, he assured himself.

He made a living as a car mechanic. One night his phone rang. He couldn't for the life of him imagine who it would be; he didn't have any friends because everyone was an assh*le from his point of view. He thought about travelling, but despised the thought of doing it alone. He picked up his phone.. ''Ah yes, that girl from the bar last night. How are ya?'' Next thing he knew he was on his bike cruising the highway. And then...

He awoke with a start. Bright moonlight streamed from the window. He looked around, he was in a white room, with a fluffy orange carpet and mirrors on the ceiling. The room was adorned with wild plants and beer bottles. ''Where the hell am I?..'' he thought. He got up on his feet, his whole body was aching from the previous night. Wait a minute... The last thing he remembered was driving his Enduro bike at high speed on the interstate. Then a beaming light.. and blackness. He sat back down. ''Am I dead?'' he asked out loud.

''Yeap'' came a grumpy voice from the corner.
Michael spun around. An old creepy man with gray skin and yellow eyes was sitting behind one of the plants, writing something in a sketchbook.
''Who are you?''
''Call me Blu.''
''But you're not blue.. you're gray.''
'Semantics. Welcome to hell.''
''WHAT? Why am I in hell? Ohhh crap... is it because I never went to church?''

The creepy man studied him carefully. His eyes shone like fire, and his expression was a perfect poker face.
''You're here because I'm lonely''. A plate with some baked goods suddenly appeared in front of him. ''Crumpet?'' He offered.
Michael was beginning to panic. This couldn't be happening, someone must have slipped him LSD at the bar, and he was merely having an acid trip.

Blu's lips curved into a dark smile. ''Ah the non believers... you're even worse than the Christians. You really believe... in NOTHING. One thing is to imagine a benevolent almighty loving spirit who punishes people for existing, and another is to believe in absolute.. sheer.. nothingness.''

Michael was thinking furiously. ''If I am dead.. and this is Hell... I presume you are the devil? ''
''Nope.'' Blu shoved a crumpet into his mouth and smirked. There is no God or Devil. It doesn't matter who I am. You're in hell because you ignored the only thing that mattered during your life on Earth. Loving another human being.''

Michael put his hand into his pocket and found a piece of ham and a cigarette. ''But.. it doesn't feel like suffering... ''
''Hell is just a name for the state of mind you are in when you die. This is the waiting room for the dead, before they take their next decision.
''What are my options?''
''Well... you could be reincarnated.. or you can serve 100 years in the spirit world. As a guide to lost souls.
'Very well.' Michael swallowed the ham, lit the cigarette and stood up. He never really liked life. 'I'll stay here''.
'Excellent' Smiled Blu.

The room disappeared and Michael was in a dark forest. A creature that resembled a gnome came up to him. ''He does that all the time you know... tricks people into staying.''
''Who is he?''
The gnome smiled. ''Come on, I'll show you around...''

==END ==

Reviews

[M.R Steiner]

While this story was easy to follow and read (even for me) I feel it is missing a few things. This premise is interesting and the character's are easy to make out, you need to show more and tell less. (this is all advice I got when I just started here so I'm only repeating the points made to me)

when I say show more, I mean reveal your character's traits by actions instead of detailing a small list of what they did. eg 'the room disappeared' could be 'Micheal eyes focused on the wall to view the wood churn and bubble, mystified by the apparition of smoke, pulling reality itself away until a high-line of trees sprouted from oblivion all around him.' not pretty but you get my example.

I would say you should focus more on the Blu character as well as he is essentially your linchpin to keep the reader interested. really try to enforce the otherworldy nature of your environment.

while I understand Micheal's motivations, I still didn't really feel them. his detached nature could be more fleshed out by showing his lackluster interactions 'a purposely missed phone call etc'

do remember that I am still learning and this is a combination of personal opinion and advice I was given.

hope to see this one grow and develop :)