Hurt - A True Story

This is full of emotion, so if you review, please note that this is just a splurge of my feelings, not a piece of fiction. This is true, what I actually feel and felt. Do not judge it as a work of fiction.

‘I'm sorry for everything I said against you…Dad. I'm sorry for not wanting to see you, for not wanting to hear what you had to say. I'm sorry I was so prejudiced, so against you in everything without giving you the chance to have your say…’ I just wished I was able to say it to his face.

 

I turned away into my mum’s shoulder as the tears coursed down my face. I'd never had a good word for my father, and now he was gone. I couldn’t undo the things I'd said behind his back…Mum’s arm went around my shoulders and she hugged me as we both cried. Although my parents had been divorced for five years, this was tough on her too. My father was gone, having committed suicide. He'd left this world, travelled onwards…and he was only thirty-three. He was young (to have a teenaged daughter like myself) and relatively healthy, despite his smoking habit and his love of a beer on the weekend. And now he was gone…it hurt that I'd never had the chance to say sorry, to tell him that I loved him. I'd hurt him infinitesimally, but now it was rebounding on me even harder. I couldn’t see for the tears, and I just wanted to be able to hug him one last time. I hadn’t seen him for six months. It was painful to think that I wouldn’t be able to ever see, hug or speak to him again. The funeral was terrible. What followed was almost worse.

 

Sometimes I found myself looking at my phone, seeing his name in my contacts and feeling tears form in my eyes. I just wanted to call him, to hear his voice again. I could imagine it, and it made me want to cry all the more.

‘Hey mate, how are you?’ he would say.

‘I've been fine, I guess. What about you?’ I would ask, always on formalities. Now I just wanted to say, “Hey, Dad, guess what happened the other day…?”

But I couldn’t. It just wouldn’t happen. I could never call him and tell him how I'd been doing, that I missed him and wanted to see him on the weekend. I could never introduce him to my friends or boyfriend…and it hurt.

 

I almost broke down listening to a CD. “Hurt” by Christina Aguilera…it was my feelings exactly. I didn’t know what had been happening to me recently; I was always so down, depressed where my friends weren’t there to make me laugh or smile. The reality hit me harder every time I thought about something completely off-track. If I got married, he wouldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle…that almost set me crying on the bus on my way home one day. I could never introduce my friends to him, or my boyfriend. I could never again see his shining green eyes; always so full of life…He was gone. And I couldn’t ever apologise for the things I said.

 

“Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were, but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you

Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away

It's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you…”  - 'Hurt' by Christina Aguilera

Author's Note

This is what I was actually feeling. This is true. This is what I feel, how I felt, how I think, what I think about. It isn't just made-up. This is what really happened.

Reviews

[Gema]

OMG I'M STREAMING WITH TEARS!
I UNDERSTAND I FEEL BAD WHEN I HAVE A GO AT MY PARENTS!
I'M ALWAYS FEELING GUILTY!
YOUR DAD WILL KNOW YOUR SORRY AND HE'S ALWAYS AND FOREVER WILL BE IN YOUR HEART AND HIS TOO!
HE STILL LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHERE HE IS!
*love* *hugs*
Brillant write, straight from the heart.
lv Gem x