Darkness

Its kinda how i feel.

Drowned by the hungry tide of darkness.
Swimming in a sea of people,
But only connecting to the loneliness.

Eaten from the inside out.
Devouring all hope.
Feeding on all fear and doubt.

The miniature cracks appear in my life.
Each bad thought and feeling bleeding through them,
Penetrating like a knife.

It’s too hard to keep afloat.
The darkness fills my lungs.
As I sink, the empty boat.

Filled with darkness,
The only one who can save me doesn’t see.
No one sees the lonely me.

Author's Note

ok its a ruff draft and it needs work. But i need to know what to do to make it better. To be honest i just wrote how i feel and i want it to show people whats going on. I guess its another blog.
all suggestions welcome x

Reviews

[therisa]

Reading your poem, Angel, I feel like you are describing my battles with anxiety and depression. How being in a crowd, saps my energy levels, both emotionally and physically. Whether it is on a crowded subway, streetcar or long line-ups at a supermarket, buying food. Am hoping writing this poem, has provided you, with a safe oulet to vent your darkness. Thank you, for sharing this with us.

[NyanMeow]

I think it's intriguing how you wrote about darkness "filling". I think the rough draft feeling is very raw and fits your poem, no need to change it. I think it would lose some of the emotion.

[kyrie]

"No one sees the lonely me". I love that line! It's true, that no one -really- sees us, a combination of their fault and our own. Either way, wonderful piece. Very well done. :)

[Short.Nerd]

I like it. Its very nice. THe flow is nice too.
Great job! (:

[Schnookums]

ok i think its brilliant the way it is but.... you could change "eating" to "eaten" might make more sense grammatically.
x