Chapter ONE: New Beginnings

After many years of bad happenings and after persuasion from her best friend, Lauren seeks in-patient care from Woodland Hills Safe Haven.

“Come on Lauren, Lyft is only 4 minutes away!”  I shouted as I noticed the mini car on the app pull what seemed to be a quadruple U-turn bringing the arrival time up by a whopping 20 minutes.

I could hear Lauren gasping as she tried to catch her breath, all the while hauling a suitcase almost as big as me down the concrete steps.  I tried to ignore the gaudy thud it made as the bottom clobbered each step on its way down.

“Patience has never been your strong suit Sally.” she declared with a snort.

She tried hiding her ever so tangible eye roll.  It almost looked as if her eyes became stuck in the most awkward position.  I couldn’t help but giggle as she made herself out to look like a zombie-fied diva-doll with only her eye whites glaring blankly in my direction.

Soon after what felt like an eon, Lyft arrived. Lauren and I quickly piled in to set out on our journey.

Lauren and I had remained the best of friends since before I could remember. I’m almost confident about the fact that we probably shared bottles and binkies at one point in our lives.  We were both from opposite lifestyles, me being from a pampered and sheltered way of living, her not so much.  She was the youngest out of 10 children raised alone by her mother who juggled two part-time jobs as well as a weekend nanny position.  Lauren was basically left to fend for herself against 9 rowdy brothers.

   I truly believe I was the only one she could rely on as a true friend. She always knew she could confide in me no matter how tough a predicament she found herself in. 

Being the only girl in a house full of boys, she was usually the lucky heir of boyish hand me downs.  She never really seemed to mind as she was a bit of the boyish character herself.  If you ever bumped into her as a young child, you would find out that she enjoyed climbing and jumping out of trees, shooting spitballs at unknowing recipients and hunting for forbidden creatures in the creek behind her home.

When she reached the awkward age of 12, she became an unwilling recipient of the worse kind. She was ruthlessly bullied from the day she started Jr. High up until she reached her high-school years.

I, on the other hand, was treated more like royalty.  Being the only child, I was raised by two loving parents whom I didn’t have to share with any sibling.  They were well-heeled individuals, therefore always making sure I had the best of everything.  Hardly a day went by when I didn’t step out of the house without a delicate lacy dress, extravagant slippers, and a beautiful bow to top off my hair in a free-flowing tail of golden ringlets.

The two of us, Lauren and I, were thick as thieves. Rarely would you see one without the other.

Lauren hated being confined to one space too long, as did I.  We were both in the car for at least an hour and a half, all the while being deprived of a pit-stop. 

“This feels awesome!” Lauren said as she extended her arms toward the sky. It appeared as though she were embracing her escape to freedom.

 “Thank-you for riding with Lyft.  Please enjoy the rest of your day.” the driver announced just moments before we heard the vrrroom of the engine as the car speed away.

“Here, let me help.” I offered as Lauren struggled with her over-sized suitcase yet again.  Lauren shook her head in response, reminding me of what I already suspected time and time again.  I always knew that she thought I was too proper to do such a thing as labor.                             

I could see the anxiety in Lauren’s eyes as we headed toward the front of the building.  The hospital was nothing as I imagined.  I believed it would have had a warmer appearance, rather than this dreary looking structure in obvious need of a make-over. 

“Well, this explains why the pamphlet didn’t include pictures” I broadcasted

“You don’t say.” Lauren rolled her eyes again

We were greeted by a dimly lit sign which read ‘Woodland Hills Safe Haven’.   Upon finding the front entrance locked, we saw a small sign next to the door in tiny print reading ‘Ring bell for assistance’.  After doing so, we were greeted by a loud deafening buzz followed by a vulgar echoed “clack”.  Still struggling with her luggage, Lauren held the door open for me. A short plump man met us in the lobby.  Without so much as a hint of a smile, he told Lauren to leave her belongings at the front desk before entering the closed ward ahead.

I tried not to heave as the scent of old urine followed by an even stronger whiff of bleach over-powered my senses.  As we walked down the long-inert corridor of graying stucco walls cracked from age, my mind began to wander.  I wondered to myself if encouraging Lauren to get the help she needed really was a good idea after all.  I should have taken a hint when she plugged her ears while humming each time I tried bringing up her mental state.  Deep down though, I knew this was the best decision. Even though her life was already in shambles, it hadn’t been the same since the cafeteria incident back in Jr High.

Trish and Felisha were among the most popular clique of girls during the years we attended Belleview Jr. High School.  To Lauren, they were just another pair of ‘mean girls’.  On any normal given day, they would go out of their way to humiliate her as much as possible.  On this particular day, being the last day before summer break, Lauren and I had a huge disagreement next to her locker.  It started with her telling me she had plans for the summer that didn’t include me.

 We usually sat together during lunch, but after our quarrel, she walked right past our table.  Instead, she kept to herself at an empty table on the other side of the cafeteria.  She hardly looked up from the table the whole time she was there.  I noticed she didn’t even have a lunch with her.  When I finally mustered up the guts to apologize to her, she simply acted like I wasn’t there.  

It wasn’t long after that the ‘mean girls’ headed her way.  They did something out of the ordinary for them.  Normally they would have tried to make a public spectacle out of her, but not this time.  This time they sat down, one next to her and one across the table from her.  I didn’t dare take my eyes off them. I knew if they upset her, they would have to answer to me.  Incidentally, all they did was quietly exchange words with her.  I had no idea what they said, but whatever it was, it resulted in her running from the cafeteria all the way home.

That summer was the worse of my life, one I would like to erase from my memory. I had never felt so alone.  I almost convinced myself I didn’t exist!  Thinking back, there was a lot that just didn’t make sense. 

After what had felt like an eternity, Lauren finally returned home.  I went to her house to visit her, certain she would be as excited as I to see each other. Incidentally, talking to her was like trying to get a cracked walnut out of its resistant shell.  She didn’t seem to want to be bothered by me.  She must have become sick of my many attempts to the point that she finally admitted last school year had become too difficult.  She didn’t ever want to go back to school again.  I reassured her it would be easier since we would be attending high school, but she wouldn’t cave.  

The next school year, Lauren’s mother allowed her to attend a home-school based program.  I knew deep down, she had made that choice to isolate herself from the world.  It seemed in ways she was happier, and if she was happy so was I.  There were times that I would try and bring up the last day of school.  Her response always resulted in her reverting back into her shell.  That’s when she would cover her ears and begin humming in monotone.  Sometimes it included her rocking back and forth and staring into space.  She almost seemed catatonic at times.  Eventually, I gave up, that was until about 6 months ago.

“All righty Miss Gignac.” the man’s voice screeched, forcing me back into the present.

“Have a seat.  Miss Drakes will be here soon with paperwork for you to sign.”

Again, no smile. He was a strange little man that resembled a rat when he spoke.  In fact, he slightly looked like one.  Lauren must have read my mind, for as soon as our eyes met, we busted up laughing.  How silly we must have appeared to Miss Drakes when she arrived. 

 “Miss Lauren.  Lauren Giganic?”  She struggled to pronounce her last name as she peered over the file covering half her face.

“No Ma’am, Gignac” Lauren corrected

We watched as the lady squinted her eyes at the paper she held as in if she were trying to find Waldo or something.

“OH, I see” She smiled as she extended her hand.

With a quick handshake, she introduced herself to Lauren.  Not once looking my way.

 She had that distinctive look of a secretary or even librarian with her strawberry bun piled on top of her head.  Her glasses barely clung to the tip of her nose, making me want to push them up for her.  Her look was profoundly professional, yet her demeanor had an innocence about her.

We followed Miss Drakes around the corner to her office. 

“Miss Lauren, I’ve been reviewing your file and it really looks like you will benefit from your stay here.”

Fiddling with her thumbs, Lauren nodded her head in agreement.

“I do have some papers I need you to sign as part of your registration.”

Miss Drake handed her a stack of papers with areas highlighted where she needed to initial and sign. 

“Now, I will say this,” Miss Drakes took a deep breath “We do have a strict set of rules here at Woodland Hills… rules which we expect everyone to abide by.”

Ever since I’ve known Lauren, there is one thing she probably disliked the most, rules.  I saw her shudder the moment the word was spoken.  But honestly, if rules were what it took to help her heal, then I knew rules would have to become a part of her life!

Lauren began to sign as Miss Drake read out loud.

“These rules hereby pertain to you, Lauren Gignac, the mental health patient.  By admitting yourself voluntarily into Woodland Hills Safe Haven, you give full permission to staff for the care of your mental well-being.  For the first 72 hours, you will not be allowed visitors or personal phone calls to and from family or friends.  Upon becoming more accustomed to your stay here, you will have more leniency for making daily calls to loved ones.  Visitation is only allowed between the hours of noon and 4 pm on weekends. There is a designated visitation room just for said visits. 

Any gifts or letters brought here or mailed by visitors must first be approved by staff.

You must use proper hygiene practice for you and your fellow patient’s safety.  Each patient will have their own assigned shower time.

There is no tolerance for bullying in a physical, mental or woohoo manner.”

”For a more effective healing process here at Woodland Hills Safe Haven, prescribed medication may become part of your daily treatment.  You must give your body approximately 2 full weeks to adjust to said medications, as most medications reach their appropriate effectiveness at or around this time. You may not stop the use of any said medication without prior consent from the staff Psychiatrist unless you develop an allergy.

You are required to be in your assigned room no later than 8 pm Monday through Friday, and 10 pm on the weekends.  Doors will be locked after those hours.  You are required to exit your room by 8 am Monday through Friday, and 10 am on the weekends.  You must lock your door behind you for your own privacy and protection.  If for some reason you need to visit your room between morning and night hours, you will do so under the supervision of staff.  The only exception is if you fall ill and are in need of rest.”

”Do you understand these rules as I have read them to you, Lauren Gignac?”

Lauren nodded her head.

“Miss Lauren, you must answer the question with a yes or no please.”

“Yes Ma’am” Lauren replied

Once the paperwork was complete and Miss Drake went over a few more things, she passed us over to the facilities intern. Mrs. Molly Johnson would then give us a tour of the facilities.

After witnessing the interaction between Miss Drake and Lauren, I felt more confident that she would benefit from the care they offered.  I was very pleased that I was able to stand by my best friend through her visit here.

The tour took all of an hour to complete, just in time to retire to her room for the night.  Molly saved her introductions to Lauren’s roommate for the end of the tour.  I could tell Lauren was nervous about sharing a room with a stranger.  I knew having me there with her would help a lot.

“And this would be your room Miss Lauren” Molly said as she pulled out a large ring of keys.

“The linen on your bed is fresh, and there are a clean towel and washcloth in here for you.” She proceeded to open a cabinet door to show Lauren the contents when a loud thump followed by a shriek caught us off guard.  I was almost petrified with shock!  A young girl rushed out from behind the door running and screaming at the top of her lungs like a banshee.  Almost as soon as I caught my breath, she had disappeared around the corner.  Molly continued on as if nothing had happened, introducing Lauren to her roommate before leaving.

Tara McGregor was her name.  Tara waved for Lauren to come to sit next to her on her bed.  As Lauren reluctantly headed toward her new roommate, Tara re-introduced herself, ignoring me.  I was beginning to get used to being the third wheel at this place.  I stayed close to Lauren as I listened to the two of them talk.  It was mostly Tara doing the talking. 

 “So, Lauren what are you in for?” Tara said, almost making Woodland Hills seem like a half-way home or worse, a prison.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve been here longer than anyone.” She gloated, not waiting for Lauren’s reply

“My aunt dropped me off here when I was 8 after my parents were killed in a hit and run.  I think my aunt just didn’t want the responsibility, so she made up a bunch of stuff about me so she could dump me here.”

She spoke like twenty-five miles per hour!

“I’m so sorry Tara,” Lauren was saddened by her story, “I can’t even imagine losing a loved one that close to me, much less two.”

“You know, I’m actually quite rich!” Tara changed the subject “Well I would be if I weren’t in here.  My aunt had all her lawyers draw up papers proving me incompetent.  Other than not wanting to take care of me, I believe she did it to get her hands on my inheritance.  I guarantee you, as soon as I’m able, I WILL find a way to break out of here, and then she’ll answer to me!”

I tried not to let my shock be known, but at that moment I decided to stay on Tara’s good side.  Something in the tone of how she told us completely set off alarms in my mind.

Tara let out a malicious laugh.  When I heard her laughter spill out like a cackle, all I could think of was the wicked witch of the west.

“So,” I disturbed her hideous laugh, “who was the little girl that ran out of the closet?”

Almost instantly Tara became still and appeared to be staring into the empty space.  It was like I had pushed a button that not only muted her, it also put her on pause.  That was our key to get ready for bed.

The next morning Lauren had to wake me.  There I was all groggy from a hard night’s sleep, and she was up and ready to start the day.

“Come on girl.  I only have two hours before my appointment with that Doctor person.”  Lauren sounded impatient “Plus, Miss Molly had to pull some strings just to fit me in for shower time.  I don’t have all day for you to laze around here.”

“Oh my gosh Lauren,” I yawned, “It’s only 8 in the morning… AND it’s Saturday.  We don’t have to be out of our room until 10.  Let me sleep for at least another half hour, PLEASE!”

“I only have enough time to make the bed, take a quick shower, and if lucky have a small bite to eat.  Now let’s GO!”

She was quick with her shower.  I honestly don’t know how she could possibly have gotten clean.   After the shower, we were quick to grab a couple blueberry muffins from the cafeteria before rushing off for her first session with the Psychiatrist that was heading up her case.

“Miss Lauren Gignac I presume?” came the breathy baritone voice of a rather large man.

Lauren nodded her head.   She tried not to be so obvious about the bite of muffin in her mouth as she shook his hand.

“I’m Dr. Melancholy.  I’ll be in charge of your case here at Woodland Hills Safe Haven.”

He seemed like a laid-back, cheerful man.

“Come on in and make yourself comfortable.” He beamed as we followed him into his office.

I had never been to a mental hospital before, much less to a counseling session.  I imagined it like in the movies where the patient lays on a squeaky leather couch all whilst mentally opening up to their doctor. The Doctor in return records important things in a notebook or draws pictures when the session is boring.

Dr. Melancholy pulled an old leather seat away from his desk, signally to Lauren the choice of a loveseat or chair.  She chose the chair, I the loveseat.  Hey don’t judge, I was still groggy!

“So Lauren, I’ve read your file,” Doctor Melancholy scooted his chair in closer to his desk, “but I’d like to hear from you as to why you felt it necessary to seek care.”

He sure had a blunt way of getting to the point.

Lauren stared blankly at her shoes as she pulled a loose string hanging from the small hole in her pants.  “Well,” she started “I just… uhum… well, I’ve sort of had a hard time dealing with things lately.”

“Things? What kind of things?”  Her inhibition to speak was clear to the good old doctor.

“Well, uh… life”

“Ok, I get it.  We all have times in our lives that can be rather difficult.  What makes you feel this is something that needs in-hospital care?” he seemed to be testing the waters by hitting her with his directness.

I could tell Lauren was becoming agitated, and it was obvious by the look on the doctor’s face, he could as well.

“Ok Lauren,” he started again “Let’s try another approach.  I read in your file you started having some issues shortly before the summer of 2012?  Was that why you decided on homeschooling?”

She nodded her head in agreement.  Then slowly and with what looked like forced courage, she lifted her head to meet his gaze.  Almost too quickly she dropped her head back down, this time hiding the tip of her finger in the same hole.  I already knew it would be almost impossible for anyone there to convince her to open up more than she had already allowed herself to.  I really liked this doctor, and the way he approached her was extremely clever.

“Alright,” he said with keenness in his voice, “now we are getting somewhere.”

Clearing his throat, he began to fumble through a small stack of papers on his desk.

“Lauren” his voice seemed to go up an octave “Let me ask you this.  What pushed you to the point where you began avoiding social situations?”

Oh boy, I knew he had pressed past her comfort zone with that.  I was almost sure she would start tuning him out as she had with me so many times before.  I was shocked when she did the complete opposite.

“Well, Mr.… err... uh... Dr. Melancholy I mean,” This time keeping her eyes level with his and with a bit of determination in her voice, “I hated Jr. High.  I completely LOATHED everything about it.  Everyone was mean to me.  I did not have one single friend”

Wait, what did she mean by that?  What about me?

“Lauren,” He cut in “what happened on the last day of Jr. High that started your downward spiral?”

OH, I knew for SURE that would do it… yet again she replied.

“It actually didn’t start that day.  There was so much that led up to that point Dr. Melancholy”  she blurted out crying “I had undergone so much pain, both mentally and physically for quite a few years leading up to this.  I can’t just say one event started it, because that just isn’t true.”

“I understand what you are saying Lauren” Doctor Melancholy looked sincerely sad for Lauren

Almost too quickly, Lauren continued “But THAT day, something happened,” she tried wiping her tears on the front of her shirt, “something I never expected.  I don’t even know how to explain it. After it happened, I didn’t want to be near anyone and it was hard to be alone in a cafeteria full of blaring idiots.  That’s when Trisha and Felicia confronted me.  What they said to me threw me for the biggest loop in my life.  I knew after that moment, I wouldn’t be able to face anyone ever again.”

I watched as the good Doctor began typing something on his computer.

“Lauren,” he said as he continued typing “I’m going to start you on some anxiety meds.  I’ll put you on .5 mg of Clonazepam and gradually increase it as needed.  I believe this will make it easier for you to adjust and maybe help you open up more during your counseling and group sessions.  Have you been on psych meds in the past?”

She paused, seeming a little hesitant to answer.

“Yes sir” She looked down at her lap

At that moment, I was in shock.  I had no idea she had been treated prior to this.  I wondered why I was just now hearing about it.  Certainly, she wouldn’t hide anything like this from me.

“Do you recall what the name of the medication was?” he replied

“Yes,” She replied, “It was Risperidone, but I’m no longer taking it.”

Still typing, he paused to look over the top of the monitor. “What was the reason for discontinuing this antipsychotic?  Was it your choice?”

‘Antipsychotic?’ I thought to myself ‘Weren’t antipsychotics given to people who were psychotic in some form?’  Never did I suspect this of Lauren.  I was in complete shock.

“Well,” Lauren started, “The side effects out-weighed the proclaimed benefits.  I was only on it for a few months.”

Dr. Melancholy stopped typing as he folded his hands in front of him.  “And did this medication seem to help in any form at all?”

Lauren rubbed her hands up and down her pant legs nervously, “Well, honestly I didn’t really notice a difference, I was too worried about the fact that it made me feel like a drunken jellyfish bumping into the coral.”

Doctor Melancholy chuckled under his breath accepting her answer.

“Ok,” he replied with a smile “I’ll have you start your first dose tonight before bed.  It will help you with sleep as well.  By any chance do you suffer from nightmares?”

Lauren nodded. He assured her she would benefit from the medication on all levels and went on to say, “Here at the Haven, we pride ourselves in taking great care of our ‘residents’.  It is standard that most of our residents have a combination of meds along with on-going counseling and daily group therapy.  I truly believe if you participate freely, this will be just what you need to get back on your feet and into a normal environment.”

With that, he set her up for their next visit, giving her a print out of her weekly schedule of all appointments and wished her well.

The rest of the day was relaxed.  Most of the residents were busy in the visitation area with their families and friends.  Aside from lunch and dinner in the dining area, we spent most of the day in the lounge working puzzles, playing solitaire and were even able to watch a little television.

 About half-past 8, I could see the brightness of the full moon through the window.  Lauren just started reading a book when I noticed the little girl from last night.  I didn’t know how long she had been standing by the entryway, but there she was tapping her ballet-like slippers on the floor.  It was strange how she continuously looked around the room as if she were waiting for someone or something. 

She couldn’t have been older than 5. With her ash blonde hair of satin molded into the most perfect curls, she almost looked like she could have been Shirley Temple’s twin.  I especially was drawn to how perfectly dressed her hair was with such an elaborate silk ribbon.  Her light colored freckles appeared to dissolve into the softness of her hair. This child most definitely was a picture of perfection. It was crazy how her outfit was so similar to the way my parents dressed me at that innocent young age. 

After tapping her shoes on the floor one final round, she took a seat at the activity table across the room from us.  Soon it would be as if her whole outside world vanished after she chose a crayon and began working on her own version of Picasso.

I watched while she colored.  She was quite adorable.  The way her pug nose wrinkled as she colored, made her look almost too serious for such a fun task.  She looked up for a moment, smiling in our direction.  Surely she couldn’t have been smiling at me, but who else would she be smiling at?  Lauren was too busy with her reading to have noticed. I returned her sweet childish smile with a smile of warmth and acceptance. Honestly, though, you would have thought I made a frightening face at her because as soon as I smiled, she too quickly returned to her task of coloring as if she had never noticed me.

It wasn’t long before Lauren’s yawns told me it was time to retire.  We both had had a lovely day, but all good days need to come to an end.

We were met at our bedroom door by a chiseled-looking young woman, with a tight fiery bun atop her head. I could scarcely see past her nose with the giant chocolate colored mole beckoning to me on the other side of her nostril. The more I stared, the bigger it appeared. 

“Miss Lauren Gignac I presume?”  She questioned as she glanced at Lauren’s identification band.

It was just 5 till 10.  I was a bit shocked at the nurse’s almost precise timing.  I was also relieved we made it there before 10.

“Yes” Lauren confirmed 

 With a firm and almost emotionless expression, she replied “I am Dorothy Totobask.  I am the supervising nurse tonight. I have for you, Miss Gignac, your nightly dose of Clonazepam.  Dr. Melancholy is starting you on .5 mg.”  Again she looked at Lauren’s armband to compare with the Doctor’s orders.

“Most nights, Janet will be the one handling your nightly medications.”  With that, she handed Lauren a small paper cup containing her dose accompanied by a glass of water.  Funny how she just up and walked away before Lauren even had a chance to take the pill.  With the attitude she carried, I half expected her to instruct Lauren to open her mouth and lift her tongue so she could search her mouth for the pill in case she didn’t swallow it.

We opened the door to an empty room. 

“This is fantastic,” Lauren mumbled to herself.

That was the reaction I was expecting.  Apparently, Tara was late, or maybe she wasn’t far behind.

I could see Lauren wasn’t ready for slumber just yet, as she pulled her suitcase from under her bed to begin sorting through her belongings.  She was a bit of a clean freak.  I’m pretty sure she had OCD. 

As she started to organize her attire, I had a chilling thought.  What if this Tara person was REALLY crazy?  Already she’d shown that she was resentful toward her aunt who had her allegedly locked up under false pretenses.  Who’s to say what she had planned for her if she eventually succeeded in escapes?!  Fleeing a closed ward would not be all that easy.  I’d already noticed every door exiting this ward, was armed with alarms as well as heavy duty locks. I don’t think even a roach would be able to scamper free.

“So, what do you think of Tara?”

“She’s a bit on the crazed side.” Lauren laughed.

“Well, who would have known…” We both jumped as Tara opened the door “that you would be here before me?!”  She was rather manic for bed-time.

Tara struggled with a large box containing who knows what.  After laying it down next to her bed, she sat down.

Lauren smiled at her with a surprised look on her face, then went back to her task at hand.

“If I didn’t know better,” Tara began again “I’d say someone is a bit shy.”

Lauren looked puzzled.  She obviously didn’t know how she should react to her statement.  Tara started hanging some very interesting pieces of art on the wall near her bed.

“We’re not supposed to have any sharp objects in our rooms” She continued “But my friend Lucille was able to sneak these tacks past the door monitor” She smiled as though she had accomplished the greatest trickery yet.

Tara’s artwork really wasn’t half bad… creepy, but with a show of talent.

“Gretchen always says art is the gateway for dealing with our emotions… and emotions I have plenty of!”

Tara continued hanging her paintings after both Lauren and me were tucked under our covers.  It was hard to fall asleep though, especially with that fluorescent light above Tara’s bed.  ‘Ugh, I just wish she’d turn it off!’ I almost said out loud. 

After what felt like hours of tossing and turning, darkness finally laid its heavy cover over us like a black curtain made of burlap.  It wasn’t long before I heard what sounded like a synchronization of snores.  Night, alas’ you have not failed me.

 

(Thank you for reading, and please stay tuned for Chapter Two of Imaginings…)