I'm calling you out

I hate the sheets on these bunks. They're so thin and itchy. I roll about uncomfortably, feeling more irritated as the night drags on. I flick my phone on and off, checking the time far too frequently. I feel the exhaustion battle with my eyelids, they feel heavy and flutter. But every time I close my eyes, it's just him. My stomach is refusing to settle, just spinning around and around, making me nauseous. I feel like I need to talk to Alex, not about Jack, I just need to talk to him. I reach my leg up and kick the bunk above me, where I know my brother is sleeping. When I don't hear anything, I slam my foot hard above me, actually feeling a twinge of pain, which I ignore. It's not in vain though, I hear the bunk creek and his feet swing down over the edge, causing me to duck back to avoid a kick in the jaw. He's rubbing his eyes, and I feel bad for waking him up. Pushing the curtain of my bunk further to the side, he climbs in and sits next to me.

“Sorry for waking you up” I whisper, attempting not to do the same with the other boys.

“It's alright” his arm wraps around my shoulder and pulls me close to him. I let my head rest on his shoulder “So what's up, you still homesick?” I shake my head feebly.

“Nah, I dunno really, I just don't feel well” I mumble, my throat is so dry that it hurts to swallow.

“You wanna go home?” He asks gently, but again, I shake my head

“No, I want to stay with you” My voice is so pathetic here, but I can't really help it. I didn't even know Alex was my brother until last year. It's actually surprising just how close we are, considering I wouldn't even speak to him when I first found out. I need him now. I hate being away from him, it just hurts. He gives my hand a slight squeeze.

“Okay, well we can always stop off at your old town on the way through” he suggests. This is one of the reasons why I love Alex, he'd go out of his way to make sure I was happy. I just mumble at this idea, not really knowing if I like it or not.

“Well we don't have to” He laughs softly, which makes me smile.

“No, I just, I dunno, maybe I should go see my friends” I ponder

“What friends?” He teases and I give him a dig in the chest. He yawns then and I realise I'm keeping him awake, when he must be tired enough, regardless.

“You should go to bed” I say “Sorry I woke you up” I apologise again

“It's fine, I'll wake up at any hour if you need me” He assures me, clambering from my bunk as I lay down. He gives me one last reassuring smile and then closes the curtain again. I hear him climb back up to his bunk, and once I'm satisfied he's asleep again, I get up. I'm not even slightly tired. The thought of laying here for another few hours makes me feel all the more nauseous.

I wander, carefully, through the bus and down the stairs. It's a lot more creepy here at night, not even a whisper to break the silence. I wonder if I could risk going outside. I don't really want to open the door, I'm not even sure I can unlock it. Deciding this is a bad idea, I open the window, soothed to feel the breeze hit my cheeks. The lights of London are still bright, and I stare at them for what must be about half an hour. I can see the sunlight beginning to come through the buildings. I look at the clock above the door. It's 5:30. My exhaustion has given in now, and passed. I feel more awake than I did earlier. Keeping leaning on the counter, I watch outside, seeing people beginning to go our, morning joggers, airport leavers, insomniacs. I rub my eyes and take a deep breath, wishing I could just feel tired enough to get a few hours sleep before everyone will be getting up.

“What are you doing up?” Jack's groggy voice makes me jump, I turn around to see him standing at the door, in his boxers and t-shirt, hair all over the place, but infuriatingly handsome.

“Couldn't sleep” I don't feel I need to explain myself to him. He just nods, and moves closer, looking out of the same window.

“I could never use any energy this early” I guess he must be talking about the man jogging just close by.

“Me either” I agree, starting to move away from the window, folding my arms, almost thinking this might protect me from him.

“You know, you're kind of starting to make me think I stink or something” he says

“What?” He smirks at the confusion on my face

“Every time I come near you, you move away” He is still smirking, and it annoys me.

“Stop coming near me then, problem solved” I retort, but not so much harshly, as challenging.

“You don't mean that” He makes his way closer again, and snakes his arms over my shoulder, rubbing them down my back.

“I do” I say, but I don't move away, my eyes are fixed on his. I can't look away. He lowers his head so it's level with mine. I can feel his breath on my face.

“Then tell me to stop” He whispers. He pushes his lips against mine. I close my eyes and let him kiss me, let myself kiss him back. I can feel his long fingers entwining in my hair. My hands find his chest, resting there. When he pulls away, my eyes open and remain looking into his. My conscience makes an appearance then, a little too late.

“I can't do this to Alex” I admit, shaking my head

“Do what?”

“We've only just built up a relationship, I just can't risk breaking that” He seems to understand but he still doesn't relent.

“I know, but he's not going to know, is he?” He winks. But suddenly, this makes me angry.

“So I'm supposed to be happy, being your dirty little secret?” His smile fades

“That's not what I meant” He looks to his feet, ashamed

“Well that's what it is, isn't it?” I'm trying hard not to yell “You just sleep with me and that's it. I'm nobodies booty call” I push his hands off my shoulders and start to leave.

“It's not like that, you know it's not” He follows me, his eyes pleading with me to believe him.

“Isn't it?” I question, my harsh tone making a reappearance

“No!” I don't know what to think, but in the heat of the moment my anger wins over

“Then what is it like?” I feel like I'm interrogating him now. He shuts up at this, and retreats back into himself. He has no answer. He doesn't know what this is. I scoff and turn on my heels, but he grabs my arm and pulls me close to him again.

“Please, don't be mad at me again” He begs, and I admit, I do feel sorry for him.

“Jack...” I begin, but he turns the puppy eyes on and I falter “I'm not mad at you. I'm just...confused and scared” I finally admit. He kisses me again then.

“I promise, I'm not going to mess you about” I hesitate in taking his word, but something in his expression makes me want to believe him.

“I don't know” I say, I still have reservations about starting anything with Jack, scared of Alex finding out, scared to ruin what we have. It's just too important to me.

“At least think about it?” Ha. I've done nothing but think about it. Does he not realise that? But I agree, just to shut him up. This seems to make him happy.

“Thank you” he kisses me on the cheek and moves upstairs again. I can't go up there. I can't be there, in the same room as both of them, sleeping soundly, not thinking anything is wrong.

I sit down at the table. My hands rub over my face in exhaustion. Everything is always so complicated. I let my head fall down onto the table. My head just won't stop. It keeps going over everything again and again. Alex's worries about me, Jacks promise, his kiss, my promise to him to think about us. When morning comes, and everyone begins to come down, I still haven't slept. I've just sat for another few hours, thinking. Yet, still, I have come to no conclusion. I have no solution. I have no idea, whatsoever, what I'm going to do.

Reviews

[afra]

i love this story ...well done

[.]

Great story! I would love to see more! :D 100/100