Chapter Nine

This was very emotional for me to write.

I'm at the door. I can feel the nausea coming on. My hand has reached up to knock no less then five times now, and then, terrified, swung back to my side. I can't put it off for much longer. I'm here now, and that's it. I swallow my fear and gentle tap on the door. I hear movement, and quite honestly, I nearly break down in tears. Tears of fear. Tears of pain. Tears of guilt. My breath is shaky, like every inch of my body. It feels like forever until he answers the door. Like years have passed while I've been waiting outside, shaking like some scared child.

When he opens the door, his face is optimistic, but seeing me, it resides to disdain.

“Oh, hi” I'm lucky I even got this. Most people would just slam the door in my face.

“Adam, I need to talk to you, please?” I can hear the desperation in my voice, but I feel no shame, desperation is the very least I can give him. He moves out of the way, and motions me inside, showing close to no emotion. When I'm inside, I stay standing. His hotel room is small. I can't sit on the bed, it just feels wrong somehow.

“So what is it?” He asks, not looking at me.

“We need to talk about what happened.” I reply

“No. You need to talk to your boyfriend, I'm sure he deserves more of an explanation than me” He retorts, harshly.

“I needed to talk to you first” I say, though I'm not really sure why I feel like this. I still have no idea what I'm going to say to either of them, but I had no right to leave it any longer.

“First? Wow, don't I feel special” I know he has every right to feel like this, but it still hurts to have him be so cold toward me. I brush this remark aside and continue.

“I don't know what to do” I admit. This is when he looks up

“You don't know what to do? Oh, god, poor you! It's just such an awful f*****g shame isn't it. I don't know how you can even cope with all the pain you must be going through!” I know it's ridiculous, but, I'm glad he's angry. At least anger is an emotion.

“I didn't mean it like that” I say, but I shrivel up a little

“You know what Becky? Why don't you just tell me what you do mean for once huh? Cos I am sick of trying to figure it out! You women and your cryptic f*****g language and stupid hints and f*****g signals. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!” I recoil, cowering away from his anger.

“TELL ME!” His anger triggers my upset and the tears are starting again

“I DON'T KNOW!” I yell back, the anger and upset running down my cheeks

“You can't just keep getting upset every time I talk to you about this! God d****t! Just tell me which one of us you want! Tell me!”

“I don't know!”

“No, you do know! You're just afraid to say it. It's simple! Who do you want?”

“It is not simple! You don't get it! I don't want to hurt anyone”

“But you are! You're doing it already! Can you really not see that?!” I take a moment to gather myself, trying not to cry anymore.

“I never wanted any of you to get hurt because of me” This is scarcely even a whisper.

“Well, too f*****g late for that now.” I try to push back yet more tears, closing my eyes, swallowing hard.

When I open them again, he's moved closer.

“If you don't want me...If this isn't what you want? Please, just tell me” I can see the hurt glinting in his eyes now. “Nothing can hurt more than this” He swallows hard, moving back from me again “I need to know. If I knew you wanted him, you loved him, I wasn't what you needed. I'd let you go. Yeah, it would hurt, a whole lot, but I think I could do it, if I thought that was what was best for you.” I can't control my tears anymore. The thought of all the pain I've caused him. All the pain I have the power to cause him still, it's all too much.

“But don't you stand there and say you don't know what you want. You do know. You're just too f*****g scared to say it.” I begin to lose my breath then. Not again. No. He's just staring at me, expecting an answer. And I don't have one. I got nothing.

“I have to go” I push past him and leave the hotel room. I wait until I'm safely out of the hotel, and then I break down. I realise now, there is no easy way out. I have to make this decision, and somewhere deep in my heart, I kind of know, it's already been made.

My fingers fiddle with my phone. I can't leave them still when I'm this nervous. The sun is beating down on me as I wait on this small wooden bench, but there is no happiness in me. I hear the sound of my own heart beating. Do you ever get to that point, where you realise that you're not the good person you thought you were? I always believed I was a good person, kind, caring, ethical. I don't know what to be anymore. I feel like all that has wasted away, like I'm someone else entirely now. Or maybe this is who I was all along. I just don't know what to believe anymore.

“Hey” His voice startles me, and I jump slightly.

“You wanted to meet me here?”

“Yeah, please sit down. We have to talk” With some reluctance, he sits next to me.

“I wasn't sure you'd come”

“To be honest, I wasn't sure if I was going to” I have to expect this

“So, what is it you want to talk about?” I take a deep breath and force myself to continue.

“The other day” Is all I say, and he turns to face me for the first time.

“What about it?”

“Listen, I know, what we have is special, it is, and I love you, I do”

“No.” He cuts me off, and I'm surprised to see the desperation in his eyes. “No, please, don't do this” His eyes are swimming with tears. “Please, I can forgive you for what you've done, please” I'm thrown off track at his sudden show of emotion.

“Zandy, please listen to me. I can't do this to you anymore. You deserve better than this, can't you see that?” I can feel my throat catching now. Just looking at him so vulnerable. So broken.

“No, please, you don't understand, I need you” and that's when I start to cry. He's grabbing my hand, pulling it helplessly. I can't take it. I need to be strong.

“Zands” I push his hair out of his face, and wipe the tears away. “You need to listen. You need to go out there, you need to leave me behind.” I can see him shaking his head, more tears falling down his soft cheeks, but I need to go on.

“You'll find someone else. Someone who will look after you, someone who's going to love you and cherish you, and make you feel as special as you've made me feel”

He's crying too much to even speak now.

“You are amazing Zandy. I don't want you to ever forget that. You've made me feel more loved in these past weeks than I ever have in a lifetime. I wish I could be everything you need, but I'm not. And I wouldn't be a very good person if I pretended I was. But I won't ever regret the love we've had. I'm gonna hold onto that until my very last day, I swear.” I can't hold in my sobbing any longer, and I burst into horrible pathetic sobs.

“And I'm so sorry for what I've done to you” I sob, hardly even able to speak

“but I have to go now, please, just know. I'll always have a place for you in my heart, and I hope one day. If you can find it in yourself to forgive me, that you'll hold me close to your heart too...I love you” I run. I just run. Faster and faster, not even breathing properly from crying so much. It just won't stop. My heart feels like it's been punctured. I feel lifeless and disgusting.

When I reach the loch, I stop running. I look out onto the horizon. For the first time in ages, my head feels almost clear. I'm not in control though. I move closer to the water, feeling it soothe me as the waves splash around my ankles. Then my knees, and stomach, and shoulders. Soon my head is the only part of my body not under. I take on final glance at the sun and submerge myself in the water. Water is all around me, and all I do is close my eyes, and wait for the world to disappear. 

Author's Note

I cried whilst writing this chapter, it was very difficult for me to write.

Reviews

[Theresa]

I could feel the heaviness in all of this. Great emotional piece.

[quixotic_rose]

This is so emotional, i almost cried right along with it. the drama, then the screaming then the confusion then the decision. oh my. good write though i must say!

[Beck Louise]

Aw thanks! glad you liked it :)