Chapter Seven

I wake up, not gently, not gradually. I snap awake. The guilt and the disgust hit me like a ton of bricks. What did I do? I feel tears sting my eyes so I quickly and carefully creep to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Looking around, I reside to sit on the floor. My knees reach my chin and I bury my face into them.

My head won't stop spinning, making me more irritable. I hate crying, especially when I know he's just out there. The frustration I feel is unreal. The frustration, the guilt, the shame. It's all too much. How could I do this to Zandy? I know we haven't made out relationship official but it's as good as. Just because other people don't know, doesn't mean it's not a relationship. He may have told his parents already, and so, are we official? I fear the answer may be a yes. So, this means...I can't even bring myself to think it. I cheated. I feel the unbearable sensation build up in my stomach and I quickly have to slide to the toilet to vomit. The one person who has ever truly loved me. How could I take that for granted in such a destructive way? I feel so sickened by my own actions that I can't even look at my own reflection as I throw the icy cold water over my face. What have I become? I swore on every bone in my body that I would never ever cheat on anybody. The concept is disgusting and pointless. Yet, here I am, falling against a bathroom sink, drenched in guilt, awaiting my bit on the side's awakening. No. He's not a “bit on the side”. See there's the thing. It's not just Zandy I feel guilty about. I can't help but feel for Adam. I don't even know why. All at once, those feeling I had tried to keep at bay, come flooding into my mind. Do I have feelings for him? My head is far too messy to know what feelings are real and which aren't. I need to compose myself, I can hear his footsteps approaching the door.

“Hey, Becky? You okay?” He sounds genuinely concerned, which only makes me feel worse. My stomach drops even more, but I have to try and sound cheerful.

“Yeah, fine” F**k. The catch in my throat is so obvious. It's the kind of thing you can't hide. I can only hope that he remains ignorant to my tears, otherwise I risk him asking questions, questions I don't want to answer, questions I'm not sure I can answer.

“Sure?” I take a deep breath

“Yeah, honest, I'll be out in a minute.” He seems to relent then, but I can't tell whether I convinced him or not. I feel like a horrible person, all I can do is sit on the floor and cry like a baby and feel sorry for myself. All the while, this amazing boy is sitting at home, oblivious to anything even being wrong, and this also amazing man is sitting just outside, thinking god knows what.

“You alright?” He asks me again, as I re-enter the bedroom, trying on a smile.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?” I try playing dumb, and it seems to work

“No reason” He answers quietly, looking down at his suitcase as he packs his things.

“Wanna grab some breakfast before I leave?” He smiles, but the thought only makes me feel uneasy again

“No, actually I better get going, my mum needs me to work later on” She doesn't, but I need a way out. I need to leave. I feel dirty and sordid, like some used w***e. I feel the guilt ooze out of me like a bad smell. He looks kind of hurt and I feel a stab in my stomach.

“Oh, okay, cool” He says, mustering a smile that I can tell is forced. My emotions take over me, and I walk over, putting my arms around his neck, kissing his cheek gently

“Next time you're here?” I smile, and he smiles back, only genuinely this time

“Of course” He kisses me then, a kiss so sweet and tender that my knees nearly buckle. Why did I say that? I promised another meeting, what is wrong with me?

The train home is awful. There is few people there, so I'm left in almost silence, with my own thoughts. I relive the night before so vividly that I feel like it's happening all over again. It's not a bad memory though. I feel terrible even thinking that, but it isn't. I think of Adam fondly, he's not a bad guy, he's one of the best, so sweet and gentle. He doesn't deserve what I'm doing to him. Playing him as second best. Nor does Zandy. I tear up again, thinking of him. I begin to decide about telling him, and I realize something, quite significant. He loves me, more than a lot. He would forgive the indiscretion, I know he would, even though I don't deserve even half as much. He would forgive it, because it was a one off, just a one night stand, a mistake, nothing of any meaning to me. And therein lies the problem. It wasn't. It wasn't a mistake, I wanted to do it, not so far as to say I intended to do it, but I can't justify it as a mistake. It wasn't a meaningless one night stand, because how could it be? There were feelings, deep rooted emotions behind it. I know he probably couldn't bring himself to accept or forgive this. Sex with another man is one thing, but to actually have feelings for said man, is quite another.

Oh god. Why is he here?! I see him standing on the platform, waiting. A bunch of flowers poised in his hand, the trace of a smile on his face. I haven't even thought of what to tell him! Okay, I stayed at my Aunt Ruth's, just like I was meant to. Yes, why would he think otherwise? D****t, I need to get a grip of myself. He obviously doesn't know, and how would he? So I need to stop freaking out, otherwise he will catch on that some thing’s going on, and I need time to figure out what I'm doing first. He greets me with a hug and kiss on the cheek, and hands the flowers to me. I try my sincerest of smiles, but my stomach is turning so horribly that I can barely manage it.

“You okay?” God, why does everyone insist on asking me that today?!

“Fine” I mumble “Just the train made me feel a bit ill” I lie, but it's convincing enough. He puts an arm around me and guides me back to the car, gently kissing my temple. I can barely even look at him. I know if I do, I'll break down in tears, and I can't afford that kind of drama right now. No, my head needs to be clear when I speak to him...If I speak to him about it. The drive home is almost unbearable, as is just every second with him when I feel like this. I don't deserve to even be in the same car as him, breathing the same air. I make sure to look out of the window the whole way home, avoiding any unnecessary eye contact. He seems to tag onto my bad mood, but thankfully, thinks nothing more of it than that.

“You sure it was just the train? Maybe you ate something bad last night?” His concern wounds me more. I wish he didn't care. I wish I could just tell him and he wouldn't care. But he will, I know he will.

The car stops just in front of my house, and he turns to me.

“Listen. I didn't tell my parents yet, I felt like I had rushed you a bit the other night, so I'm sorry, if you felt, you know, slightly cornered” I can feel my breathing going again. I need to get out of here quick. If I felt cornered the other night, it's nothing in comparison to how I feel now.

“No, honestly, you didn't rush me” I assure him, but even in my voice, there's a trace of dishonesty.

“Sure?” He smiles softly, stroking my cheek lovingly. I know I have to just bear this, I mustn't look suspicious.

“I promise” giving a shaky smile, I undo my seatbelt.

“Well, you go get some sleep, I'll phone later and check you're okay” I thank him feebly for his thoughtfulness and then make a quick exit.

My bed feels so warm and safe. So cut off from the world. Right now, I just want to stay here, not talk to anyone. I'm hiding, my duvet pulled over my whole body. I'm past the stage of crying now, I just don't have the energy.

What's happened to me? I was always the innocent one. The one with the good morals and clear head. What have I become? My brain is screaming at me. A million thoughts, smashing into each other at light speed, only making my head throb in agony. I find myself suddenly on the floor. I'm sitting on my knees, crouched down, my head on my legs. My hands grip my head, as it booms in pain. I feel like my ears are bleeding. My eyes are shut tight, screwed up from the intensity of the pain. The thoughts won't leave me alone. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm not all cried out though, the tears find me once more, and fall onto my knees. I can feel the moisture building on my face. I lash out, throwing my body up and hitting the first thing I see. It falls to the floor with a smash and I feel water hit my ankles. I don't care. I'm not me anymore, my disgust and rage and pain have taken over. I grab everything in sight and smash it. I'm just throwing all of my possessions across the room, not caring what state they end up in. One thing takes me off guard. I grab it to throw, but my grip is too strong and it breaks in my hand.

“AH!” I drop it in pain, as shards of glass push deep into my skin.

“No” This only comes out as a pathetic whine, muffled by tears. Dropping to the floor, I admit defeat. The blood is pouring out of my hand, but I'm too intoxicated with anxiety and upset to be grossed out. The nearby T-shirt is my only option. I wrap it around my heaving wound, as my head falls onto my knees, and I just rock back and forth, sobbing. When I finally relent enough to inspect it, I see the shards of glass still sticking out of the deep cut. I didn't even bother to clean it. I wince pulling them out, but I'm too exhausted to move, so I pull the T-shirt back over my hand, and stay rocking back and forward, feeling my sanity slipping away.

When I finally decide it's time to move, I look at the destruction around me. Unbelieving that I could cause such mess, I almost gasp. There is barely a thing in it's rightful place. All of my belongings lie on the floor, some damaged and others completely smashed. The only thing I pick up is Zandy's flowers. Before I crawled under my duvet, I had put them in some water, to replace the first ones he had given me, that had now, long died. That must have been what I felt splash me. The vase was irreparably smashed, into hundreds of pieces. I sit the flowers on my bed, and then fall back onto it. Everything seems so broken right now, and like my room, it's my fault, I've ruined everything.

Reviews

[Theresa]

Could feel the gut-wrenching, twisted confusion as I read this. Like a good love story, hope the character can sort it out and find the love she deserves!

[quixotic_rose]

I love causing destruction, smart choice. ah the drama! this girl is in for it. :) I'm reading on now haha

[That_Girl]

Poor girl... booze is NOT her best friend. So, I'm assuming Adam doesn't know about Zandy which means he's probably actually a really good guy... sucks that she has to go through having feelings for both men... Wonderful! :)

[Beck Louise]

Definitely not! haha. He has some idea of Zandy, but I don't think he knows they are actually seeing each other no :) Yup yup, thank you!! :D

[Ian H Morrison]

ah but has she ruined everything one must wait with bated breath to find out so please hurry up as i may die from not breathing

[Beck Louise]

Ah, will need to wait and see haha, I'm writing up the next chapter today :)