How to Refuse Food From a Greek Parent

A how-to guide on how to just say no to a Greek parent when they offer you food. Self-explanatory? Yes.

As soon as you get out of school, the first thing you want to do is go out with your friends and eat at the local pizzeria where you are practically known on a first name basis with the owners. Take out the money for a regular slice and soda as if it is a necessary routine like putting toothpaste on your toothbrush or pouring milk into your cereal. Sit in one of the regular booths and start chomping away at your pizza while you listen to your friends joke around about school. Listen and laugh every few minutes and even put your own two cents into the conversation.

While doing this, you have to make sure you’ve eaten so much pizza that you’re on the verge of puking. Sip your soda to make sure that you don’t spew chunks and save your reputation while savoring that tasty Sprite. Continue engaging in a conversation with your friends until one of them decides it’s time to go because they have to go study for a Trigonometry test. Gather up your belongings and walk home with one of your best friends in order to get to your apartment before your mother gets an opportunity to pick up her Samsung phone and call you. If she does, pick it up and let her know that you are on your way home safely and are not lying in a ditch in the middle of Van Cortlandt Park.

The minute you get home set your stuff down. Wait the obligatory three minutes for your mother to come barging in to ask if you want the leftover gyro from last night’s dinner. Remember how full you are. Turn your head slowly and say no thank you. Tell her you’re full because you just ate pizza with your friends.

Wait 30 seconds for her face to drop and declare you anorexic. Do not utter a word until she is done with her rant. Mentally prepare yourself to block out any of the harsh things she says to you in Greek.

“What do you mean you’re not hungry?! You don’t eat anything anymore!” she yells out to you while you try and keep your patience.

Tell her in your calmest voice that she knows that you go out to eat with your friends every single day.

“Nonsense! Something is wrong!” She continues to keep her crazed tone, hoping to guilt you and make you give in.

Stick to your honest story and plead with her that you are simply full. Maybe you’ll eat later, but at the moment you are just not hungry.

Wait another two seconds while your mother tries to counter your argument in the least logical way possible. When those two seconds are up, wait for her to start on about her life back in Cyprus. Allow her to tell you for the 17 millionth time that she was one of six kids, food was limited, and the Turks ruined everything. Look at the clock behind her and think about all of the homework you have to do for AP English tonight.

Focus on her finishing up her rant by saying that food is important and limited. Try not to snort, roll your eyes, or do anything that will make her continue for another hour. She would do it. No doubt about that.

Try your hardest to find some sort of rebuttal in this so called “debate” with her so you can finish your work on time tonight. Tell her that her argument is not making you any more hungry for that gyro that’s sitting in the refrigerator. Let her keep going until you think up something.

[Eureka!]

Simply ask her why she hasn’t touched the leftover gyro. Watch her face fall as she admits she is sick of eating it. Don’t express how you’re feeling just yet until she is done and realize that this argument is pointless. Wait a few seconds and tell her that you don’t feel as full anymore. Convince her that you and her should split the gyro. There’s simply no point to letting that go to waste.