Fists of Sand

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Through red, blurred eyes, the clock read 7:18. Awakening at this hour wasn’t out of the ordinary, but for a fourteen-year-old, 7:00 AM on a Saturday in the middle of summer vacation was disastrous. In a vain attempt, Sean covered his head to block out the early morning sun streaming through his window. The illumination flung itself through the material. It was no use he was wide awake.

            In disgust, he threw back the covers; he had lost the battle and to Sean, sleep was nearly as important as girls. Lying there, he stared up at the ceiling wondering why life annoyed him so much. Sluggishly, he rose from bed and huffed in frustration over his lost slumber. A sudden wave of anticipation rolled over him as he remembered that he and his sister, Amanda, would be off to summer camp the next day.

Camp was the sweet creamy filling of summer and Sean couldn’t wait to taste it. The pre-camp physical the past Monday was all that had bared him. Now, he was only hours from freedom from his parents, swimming, fun, and most of all girls. He rubbed what was left of exhaustion from his eyes and tossed it among the collage of dirty laundry, unwashed dishes, and comics about his room. If his mother came in and saw the mess he would be stuck inside until it was clean. He thought of cleaning it up, but it was only a momentary whim soon forgotten. There were far more important things to do. He would sit in front of the T.V eating cereal until his best friend, Roy, woke and came over.

            Crossing the room, he snagged a couple of Spiderman comics to look over while watching television. Quietly, he left his room, but Sean made sure the door was closed to block the catastrophe looming inside. God wouldn’t even be his savior if his mother found the mess.

            Sean’s room was next to his little sister’s and her door hung slightly open. At twelve she was just realizing that Sean wasn’t as amazing as she had thought. He missed her following him around. He crept by as lightly as he could, as not to wake her. Sleeplessness would be his tormentor alone. Their relationship was far different from Roy and his little sister, who lived every moment to torment each other. Amanda and Sean spent a lot of time together and were genuine friends.

            At the end of the hall was his father’s office, and the door was slightly ajar. It wasn’t surprising to hear the familiar squeaks of his father’s chair so early on a Saturday. His father owned the only real estate company in their small coastal town and usually had to be threatened by Sean’s mother to stop working on the weekends. Sean decided to pop in and say good morning but paused, hand on the doorknob, when his father’s phone ring.

            “Hello? Yes, Dr. Fitzgerald.” His father’s tone was open and friendly, as always.

            “I’m doing well. How about yourself?” Another pause, “No, I’ve been up working at my desk.”

There wasn’t anything abnormal about the conversation, but for some reason Sean lingered and listened.

            “Yes, Kathy told me about the physicals the children had. We discussed the blood tests, which you don’t normally do.”

            Sean could picture his father’s furled brow. Something he regularly did when he was engrossed in thought or searching for an answer.  The long pause that came next held Sean’s attention firmly.

            “Amanda, um-hmm...Leukemia?!” It was a question, but in his father’s tone he could hear the desperation of a prayer.

            The word wasn’t alien to Sean. He’d heard about the disease and the affects in health class. Tears struggled to be released, but his heart was too numb to reply. Leukemia? Cancer? His lungs felt like they were failing. The hallway loomed all about him as panic filled him. Reaching out blindly for support, he slightly pushed on the door. It creaked in protest. Sean lost all strength in his limbs and slid to the floor.

            His father got up from the desk, phone still in hand, and saw his son through the slightly open door.

            “Sean?”

            The weakness in Sean fled. With strength that seared from his soul he shot to his feet, and an instant later, he was thundering down the stairs. Leaping from the back door, he didn’t realize or care that he left it open. He sprinted across the yard toward the garage. Leaning against the garage was his and his sister’s bikes. Grabbing his bike he fled. There was never a more appropriate word for what Sean did. He rolled it into the street and never paused as he leapt into the seat. Jamming hard on the pedals, he launched himself forward.

            Hardly aware of his surroundings, Sean sped along not knowing anything but feeling everything. The cold ocean morning air bit at him as he streaked down the mostly empty streets. Arching into a turn, he wasn’t paying attention and almost rode into a parked truck. He quickly turned at the last moment. It was then that his mind snapped back into reality and recognized where he was riding to.

            It was Haner Street, where he, Roy, and their friends hung out. There were houses all along the road except for a thicket of woods that led to a beach. The large fir trees were thick and they crowded together, their branches intertwined like lovers dancing. Flinging his bike at the base of the trees, he tromped down the well-worn path. As he reached the sand, he tumbled down into it as if his soul had fled his body. The endless ocean watched over him as he wailed and sobbed.

            He couldn’t, and didn’t, wish to live with out Amanda. Their relationship was special. He was older than Amanda but she was in many ways wiser. She knew when to give him space, and whenever he was feeling down, she was the first to sense it. Without a word, she’d slip her arm about him and comfort him in a silence they both knew he needed. She was his best friend.

            Leukemia. The very word seared his soul. He knew little of the disease, but what he did know was the death it brought. Slapping his open palms into the sand, he clawed at the dune. Raising his closed fists he attempted to hold the sand within his fists. He held with all his strength, but the sand trickled free. Fiercely, he fought to cage the grains within his fingers. He cried out as the sand continued to trickle. When the sand finally stopped falling, Sean opened his palms only a few grains of sand remained. He prayed that Amanda would be one of them.  

He began to sob anew. Hanging his head down he prayed, it was then he felt the cold touch of metal against his wrist. Sean’s eyes opened to see the sun reflecting off the silver crucifix his parents had given him for his 14^th birthday and inspiration sung out to him, hope.

            Jumping to his feet, he knew his tears would not help Amanda. He thought he knew where to go to find answers and help. Slowly resolve dried his tears, and he would not give up. He wouldn’t allow himself. As fast as he had ever run, Sean sprinted back to his bike. It only took him a few minutes of hard pedaling to reach his destination. He half-hazardly slipped his bike into the rack in front of the church.

            Taking the steps by two’s and three’s, he reached the door to the sanctuary. The two large red doors hung ominously over him. At that moment he knew only God could help him and his sister, he laid his hands upon the wood and it was warm from absorbing the early morning sun’s rays.

            Upon entering, the familiar silence embraced him, but unlike a typical Sunday service, he didn’t feel awkward. He heart had come with a purpose. Walking down the aisle, he kept his eyes on a single picture of Jesus, strong and confident. He thought it depicted the Son of God and faith more than the massive crucifix hanging above the altar. Slowly he slid into a pew and knelt to pray.

            Time became oblivious. His legs had long been numb when a voice called his name. Sean was so deep in prayer that at first he didn’t know whom it was.

            “Sean?”

            Rising from the pew, he saw Pastor Joseph approaching. Sean discovered he had been crying and hastily wiped his eyes trying to hide the fact. By the time the Pastor reached Sean, his tears had begun anew. Pastor Joseph helped him to sit down.

            “Sean, what’s wrong?”

            Through sad tears, it all poured from his heart, Amanda, the leukemia, and how he had come to pray for God’s help. How much his soul ached to even imagine a life without her. With a comforting shoulder to cry on, Pastor Joseph listened to it all.

            They must have sat there for more than two hours talking. Pastor Joseph made Sean feel confident that God was listening and would do what he could for Amanda. Suddenly, Sean thought how much it would help Amanda to hear those very words. Hoping the Pastor would realize the importance, he asked if he would come by their house that night and speak with her. He agreed to.

            Walking out of the church, Sean felt some assurance; but the dread still sat on his shoulders. Sean knew that he wasn’t ready to go home and face his sister; face death. Sighing, he sagged to the church steps with emotional exhaustion. He watched cars stream by and let the minutes slip through the fingers of God. Across the street two boys a few years younger than him entered the library. An idea came to him and he raced across the street.

            Within a half-hour, Sean had ten books on leukemia and cancer sprawled across one of the rosewood library tables. His mind raced as he drove to know all he could about his sister’s aliment. An hour passed, and he still felt he knew too little of the disease. He continued to desperately grasp to understand it.

            A soft touch upon his shoulder tore his eyes from the pages he was knowledgeably consuming. Tessa, the librarian, greeted him with a smile and asked how he was. She was a thin wisp of a woman but beautiful in a thousand ways. Sean and his friends often came to the library to stare at her rather than the books. Her auburn hair dangled around her shoulder matching the rich color of her deep shaded dress. Her eyes covered Sean and the books. Wondering what he was studying, she slipped into a chair next to him.

            “Sean”, his name sounded like sorrow from her lips. Her eyes turned from him, to the books, and back again. A silent calm filled her eyes much like the ocean after a ragin storm.

“Can I speak with you a moment?” She asked delicately.

            There was a thread of concern in her voice, and his mind searched for an explanation as he blindly followed her into her office. He sat in a cushioned chair she pointed to. Her office was small and constricting with the desk taking up more than half the room. Tessa had covered every inch of its walls in posters of a literary nature. She pulled a chair next to him and sat down.

            “Sean, I saw what you were studying. Is there a particular reason you are reading on leukemia?” Her expression told him that she knew there was and was asking him to confide in her.

            Hesitating, he looked deep into Tessa’s eyes. Sean didn’t want to worry her about Amanda. His sister was a regular at the library and there had been many times Tessa and Amanda had gotten lost in a discussion of their favorite fiction. Books were their passion and they shared a special bond that had been formed by the written word.

            “Don’t be afraid to talk to me. I can see that something is tearing at you.”

            He still wasn’t sure, but what she said next shattered every doubt.

            “If someone you know has leukemia, I can help. Sean, my best friend has had it for five years.”

            Over the next hour, Tessa explained how her friend had been diagnosed and was now in remission. Sean learned more from Tessa in a few minutes than he had in the hour of studying texts. Slowly, Tessa shared her grief, fear, and hopelessness her and her best friend had fought through.

            Sean told her about Amanda and how he had earlier talked to Pastor Joseph. Tessa explained that it would not be easy, but there was hope. She also thought it was a good idea to have Pastor Joseph speak with Amanda. Sean asked her to go too. Her story had given him a sense of hope that he thought Amanda might gain something from. She agreed to go over to Sean’s house that night.

            As he left the library a plan formed in his mind. With the fleeting minutes that remained of the day, he scoured the town for people that meant the most to Amanda and would be able to give her support. He spoke to Mrs. Delany an elderly lady his sister helped on the weekends. He rode his bike to Amanda’s 7^th grade teacher’s house whom Amanda was very fond of and asked her to come. Travelling all over town he spoke with people that loved Amanda.

            It was a little pass 6 o’clock when Sean rode into his neighborhood. Instead of going home, he hid himself across the street in a cluster of bushes that would obscure him from anyone’s vision. There were already several cars parked out front of the house. One he recognized as the Pastor’s, and from his hiding place he watched people arrive. All individuals he had spoken to earlier in the day. Time eroded away like ocean waves lapping against a sand bar. Sean knew he couldn’t delay any longer. Slowly, he walked his bike across the street.

            Mechanically, he walked up the stairs, and before he realized what he was doing he knocked upon his own front door. It was a  timid knock and he hoped no one had heard it. The soft murmur of voices came from behind the door and fear arose like bile in his throat. His emotions fought a desperate battle, as he wanted to flee, but knew his sister needed him. Before either feeling won over, the handle on the door squeaked as it turned. As the door opened, Amanda stared out at him with a dreary smile.

            Looking behind her, she slid out quietly shutting the door behind her. Her eyes ached with sadness as they embraced the sight of him. She turned away for a moment and when she turned back, tears rushed from her as she embraced him. He held her closely as if the moment he let go would be the last time he could ever hold her. She sobbed into his chest.

            “I thought,” he tried to get out the words through his own whimpers and tears. “I wanted you to know people loved you, that you weren’t alone.”

            Her voice cut through both of their sobs like fire through ice. “Sean, I don’t have leukemia.”

            His mind went deadly calm for a second, then exploded like a distant star going nova.

            “What do you mean?” He managed to stammer out.

            Even though she spoke through sobs and her words were muffled against his chest, he heard her very clearly.

            “I don’t have leukemia, Sean. You do.”

 

Reviews

[Jessica Brown]

Hi, First, I'm Jess, high school (and beyond) friend of Sami's. Bicoastal (though lately solely East coast) resident of the Northwest. I'm a fairly clumsy reviewer given I tend to focus in on what I feel could be better in the piece, versus singing praise for what I see as brilliant. I'm working on that, though. Here goes:

I like the ending, and the suspense created by Sean eavesdropping on his father. I like where you take Sean throughout the story: his bedroom, the library, the church, back to his home (but having him knock on the front door...that changes how the reader perceives how sean feels about coming back to his home), and around to the people sean gathered to support amanda.

I think the story has the potential to be much longer. I want to see Sean's expressions at points, or his postures and gestures. I want to know...how does Sean pull of "mechanically" climbing stairs? Is his movement jerky? Stilted? Robotic? Are his shoulders stiff and hunched toward his ears? Are his hands in his pockets? Is he determined to help his sister? Is it written across his face?

How does he ride his bike as he finds the people who care about amanda? furiously? recklessly? with extreme care? does he travel with purpose through the town, or haphazardly? What are the people's reactions to his news? And what do all the people who Sean has gathered do when they find out it's Sean that has Leukemia?

And I agree with Sami...if they don't normally do the blood tests, why did they do it this time?

[Sami]

"Camp was the sweet creamy filling of summer and Sean couldn't wait to taste it." This line is amazing. It made me laugh. It definitely lends a childlike feeling to the perspective of the story.

"Slapping his open palms into the sand, he clawed at the dune. Raising his closed fists he attempted to hold the sand within his fists. He held with all his strength, but the sand trickled free. Fiercely, he fought to cage the grains within his fingers. He cried out as the sand continued to trickle. When the sand finally stopped falling, Sean opened his palms only a few grains of sand remained. He prayed that Amanda would be one of them." This was a very powerful image. I could easily see a young boy doing this. I could almost feel the sand in my hands, and it was easy to get carried away in the feeling of desperation.

This story was quick-moving and engaging. I had to force myself to slow down several times and read line by line (I wanted so badly to find out what would happen!).
I knew the ending way before it happened though. Maybe this is just because I know the kind of person you are, but there was something about it that was quite obvious to me for some reason.
Overall, the story was touching and complete. I didn't feel like there were any loose ends or plot goobers. I've never been to summer camp, and I didn't know that camps required physicals. I did wonder a little why they decided to do blood tests and thought maybe you could sneak that info in there somewhere, but it's not super important. The character of the sister maybe could have been more rounded, just to give us a little more compassion for her situation (and maybe distract us from the fact that it was truly Sean who had Leukemia).
Good work, though. I really liked it. The boy reminded me a little of Nathan (being so emotional and all).
Anyway, I enjoyed this a lot.

[Lauren]

Well isnt that sad. I really enjoyed it though, as much as you can enjoy things of despair. I really liked how you put in that little, I guess, metaphor you would call it, when Sean was grasping the sand in his hand and trying to keep it in his fists. That metaphor I think spoke novels about the pain he was feeling and I think that it definatly captured the that feeling of being out of control that we all get when things like this happen in our lives. The ending was a surprise but it seemed a little poetic too. Here he was doing everything in his power to help his sister when he was really, unknowingly, recruiting people to help him. I really liked it :)

[Dezaraye]

Oh my. I didn't expect this to end in this way. This is such a deeply emotional and heart wrenching story. There's got to be more to it. It is so endearing and wonderful that he loves his sister in the way that he does. These kinds of relationships are so few and far between. You've written this beautifully. Your descriptions are so vivid. Very nicely done.