half light

When I was in the room with

all the pictures on the walls,

in the half light last night,

I wanted to straighten them.

I could not without a

reference point from

your life.  When I was with

you walking,

in the glare and crackling  

of the late morning light and

sounds and sprinting about,

I wanted to hold flowers

for you.  I could not without

having a small role

in an opening night show

of the rest of your life.

When I was in another city

knowing you’d been there

too, I wanted to refill the

glass from which you drank.

I could not without the

clue your glance provides

saying I’m not lost or alone,

like a language without its

rosetta stone.

Reviews

[kitty blur]

This is a brilliant piece of writing, first off. I was given such sweet visuals throughout the poem that I wanted it to continue, but I like that you kept it short because it really made those three separate thoughts very powerful. You didn't flat-out say what your poem meant, and the ambiguity worked well as it provided a chance for me to FEEL your poem as opposed to just reading it, if that makes sense. I definitely felt that you (or the writer) had a distance from the person wrote about. Maybe the person was in your life before and recently left, maybe you were trying to court this person, maybe the person has never even spoken to you yet. Approaching this poem from all different viewpoints was fun for me, and I don't get to do that with a lot of poems. :) My favorite chunk was the first chunk - it was a unique way of saying that you needed this person. I also liked the last two line. Just, what a nice way to put that.

If I may critique: there are just a couple small things that stood out to me. For instance, the comma in line could be omitted, and line 8 is a bit short in comparison to the other lines. Maybe shift some words around so that it seems a little more full there? Around the same place, there are a lot of descriptions used, which are all nice, but the repetition of the word 'and' makes it seem like it's running on. I hope this isn't too harsh. Just my opinion.

This really was a gem. :) Definitely going to look at more of your work. I apologize if I comment on nearly all of them. I just pretend that we're all in a classroom setting on this site and I love giving feedback on pieces that I love.

[. serah .]

-- wow... i love the "opening night show" and the "another city" thought... -- your poetry is just unbelievably heartfelt... and reminds me of how pure and pristine human emotions can be...