A bus ride

I'm entering a short story contest where I have to write a story in only 78 words. This is my first attempt. Feedback would be appreciated. I'm counting the numbers as words.

 

 

              A Bus Ride

 

 

 

       Bus 78 hisses to a stop. Blank hops on. Suspicious eyes inspect the newcomer. Bus driver 1 nods. The back is crowded. Blank picks a middle seat. The bus drifts on.

 

Junkie 475 engages Alcoholic 23 in a philosophical discussion. Parollee 2451 grips his resume. Jesus freak 224 rants. No one listens.

 

Another stop. Single mother 831 boards. B*****d son 1099 in tow. The bus rolls foward.

 

Blank see's his stop. He pulls the cord. Saunters home.

              

 

Reviews

[I Cast a Shadow]

That's really really good. The only thing that I have to say is to make the numbers as words since they count as words. Instead of "23", write it out as "twenty three". Awesome awesome story. Seriously. I really really like it! =] I think you'll do great!

[mark slade]

very experimental. have you been reading Jg Ballard? good job.

[Twisted]

This is interesting. You basically covered all the 'colors' that make up the general student body nowadays in one go. It's depressing, but it makes a strong point. Another good one.

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

Perfectly delivered, stated and with a moral message and a simple, short but pounding plot, well done, good read.