Eric The Horribler

True story of a long forgotten dynasty in a long forgotten place - honest!

Eric the Horribler

 

By Dick Noble

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eric was not the most literate of the Erics, so when it came time for him to choose his royal name he just added a letter onto his late father’s title and became Eric the Horribler. He came from a long  line of Erics starting with Eric the Terrible, followed by Eric the Bad, Eric the Evil, Eric the Disgusting, Eric the Unclean, Eric the Foul, down to Eric the Horrible  now succeeded by Eric the Horribler . It was an unpleasant royal family for no other reason than Eric the Horrible had perished on the blade of his son’s dagger as had most of his ancestors. Only Eric the Unlucky, struck by lightning, had escaped that fate. The law of the land was that all the rulers must take the name Eric and must have an heir (or be working on one) within a year of his ascension to the throne or they could be murdered and replaced by any citizen up to the task. At one time, only males were considered worthy until Erica the Bloodthirsty ascended to the throne and succeeded by her elder son Eric the Ungrateful. The problem with heirs, thought Eric, was that they usually grew up to murder their father. 

 

 Eric’s world was located between two powerful neighbors, The Kingdom of Golorn and the Republik of Naggastan which was actually a matriarchy. Over the centuries both these countries tossed their refuse, both human and materiel, into the swamp that separated them until a more or less solid mass was formed. Thus Eric’s domain was born.

The only true solid land in Eric’s holdings was a trade route on a narrow strip of land on his southern border which joined the Republik and the Kingdom together in economic harmony. The Erics were smart enough to keep their travelers tax low enough so that it was cheaper for the merchants to pay it than hire mercenaries to force their way through. The Republik and the Kingdom only cared that Eric kept the trade road in good repair and that their merchants did not grumble too much. Unfortunately the traveler’s tax was not enough to support Eric in grand style or attract a bride.

 

The Erics were used to relying on their cunning to overcome this economic shortfall by devising some scheme that would part the Kingdom, or the Republik, or both, from sufficient funds to support the lifestyle that the Erics felt they deserved and a bride. The truly great Erics, of which there were four, had their deeds recorded on the Stone Stella of Wisdom while the least successful Erics were usually murdered young.

The Republik and the Kingdom had become increasingly wary over the years after being fleeced by generations of Erics.

 Eric thought that his way to wedded bliss lay in the swamp. He knew that the swampers had built up a natural immunity to the nasty things that lived in the cess pools of their land and had developed excellent folk medicine from local flora for the things that they were not immune to. The swampers, being a randy people, also had a high birth rate that just kept ahead of the high death rate from swamp related causes or in the case of the rulers, regicide.

While discussing the war between the Republik and another neighbor, the Patriarchy of Phallon, with a merchant, Eric learned about catapults and the merchant was kind enough to provide a diagram of a catapult which Eric realized was the missing piece to his salvation. So he sent foraging parties into the Republik and the Kingdom to cut down large trees and sneak them across the border. He also had them steal as much rope as they could from the merchant caravans.  

 

It took Eric’s men two months to accumulate enough wood and rope to build four catapults, two for each border, and build up a supply of empty wine jars to fill with swamp water. Only three of Eric’s men were hung by the merchants for theft. His plan was to fire the swamp water jars over the border with the Kingdom and the Republik so the prevailing winds would blow the vapors into their heartland along the trade route corridor. The prevailing winds blew into the Republik in the early morning then switched directions blowing into the Kingdom after sunset.

 

Once the diseases or whatever had broken out Eric would come to the rescue of his neighbors with his army of swamp healers, at a price of course. Altruism was not a word in Eric’s dictionary.

 

Eric knew that swamp water could make the swampers sick but he did not really know how it would affect the good citizens of the Republik or the Kingdom nor did he care that much.  If both populations were decimated out then he could rob them blind or he charge exorbitant rates for his healers if they only got sick, a win-win situation for Eric.

 

The plan went off well considering that the catapult crews had little time to train and that they had to perform their duties quickly in the dark. Starting after moonset sending jar after jar into the Kingdom then the other crew started bombarding the Republik with foul swamp water just before first light About half the wine jars broke at the launch sites but not before they had each launched a score of jars into both of Eric’s neighbors. Now all Eric had to do was wait.

 

Eric marshalled his army of healers at the borders anticipating the call for help but it never came. The initial affect was a bout of nausea and headaches that lasted for about an hour, but after that passed the affects were quite pleasant as the men became more virile and the women more amorous. Unfortunately for Eric’s neighbors this affect only lasted  a day or two creating an instant demand for what became known as Eric’s Elixir of Earthly Delights.

 

Eric the Horribler married well and lived happily ever after until his son, Eric the Horriblist came of age.