02

*December*

The next few months flew by quickly while attending seminars, sometimes with Olivia sometimes alone and reading a lot midst free time. On other days when me and Olivia were not so busy, movies, bicycle rides, walks, one hour rides to beaches and building sand castles gala time you see! Although we were the same age, she had become like an elder sister to me, mostly because she made me food and there was also her loving and caring nature. I was right, the dream had indicated a deep friendship. We were meant to be friends. She did give me many reasons to doubt her. I couldn't trust good people sometimes. I had learnt the hard way. I suspected that she was lying about things. Every time she stayed out late, or came late to seminars, or didn't join me at the Library she gave the same old excuses. Not that I cared where she spent her time when she wasn't with me but I was worried in a way. When she talked to me or did incredibly nice things for me it was difficult to determine whether she was naturally that nice or was she faking it in order to make me love her and to make people see her in some kind of angelic light. Maybe I just wasn't used to people doing things for me. Heaven only knows.

The bloomy autumn had ended sooner than we expected. The cold and spine-chilling winters were now at our door. I was eagerly waiting for it to snow. I loved snow and it's white purity, it reminded me of my father and how we used to build a snowman and give him a flower crown. He used to make me a matching one and say "See? You're the princess and he is the prince, you both look fine, now don't you?"
In London people looked different now, although still beautiful. Winter had added layers to their clothes and moisturizer on most of their cheeks. Our first term and my essay on romantic writing were near the end. December had started.

"Needs a few final touches and I'm done." I said to myself as I got up out of bed after closing my laptop. I needed some fresh air. I packed my laptop and headphones in my bag. Lifting the curtain, I peeped out of the window, it was cloudy. I went to the engrossed Olivia, seated at her desk staring into an abyss. I tapped on her shoulder, she didn't move. "Oh no! Did Jim Carrey reject you? That beautiful jerk." I said dramatically.
She rolled her eyes and gave in to a smile. "No he didn't. He's not jerk. He is just beautiful." She said. If she could she'd marry him for sure. I remembered all the nights we spent watching his movies which were accompanied by Olivia's dying at his dialogues. And I surrendered lifting my hands up in the air. Ok fine he's not a jerk.
"I'm heading out, do you want anything? I'll get it for you." I said.

"No I don't want anything." She said not shifting her gaze an inch. I knew her a little too well so the next sentence came out without a hitch.

"Ok but you do need hot chocolate and a chocolate cupcake. Alright." I said with a smirk.
She looked at me immediately and said "Perfect. And also get some hand warmers."

"Okay, don't hold your breath. I'll take a while." I said laughing at her odd behavior.
When I was out the door, the heat of the room evanecsed into the cold air of the corridors. Upon reaching outside the building I was hit with a gust of chilly wind making me wrap my sky blue coat around tighter. But something about the cold of winter was so wonderful that the troubles seemed frivolous. Everything was dead-silent except for the whispering of the wind and the clicking of my shoes on the concrete ground. I walked towards my favourite wrap-around tree bench dangling the floral umbrella in my hand to and fro with a smile spattered on my face. I sat down on the bench clearing my head of all other thoughts. I felt the cold iron surface steal warmth from my body even through my thick coat. I relieved my shoulder of my bag, retrieved my laptop and put my headphones on. The tree jostled with the wind dropping down a few of its flowers on me. Their soft touch made me wonder whether the tree was shedding tears to share its sorrows or pouring, in a celebration of happiness, its beautiful treasure down for all to admire. My fingers typed away almost to the beat of the song Just what I needed by The cars. The clouds of pink and white started hovering above. One album and half an hour later I looked around and realized a light drizzle had started. Perfect timing. I just finished the final touches.

I quickly packed my things up and got out of my green shelter flapping open my floral one. I muttered to myself "It's already biting cold. And look! It's raining! Isn't this Just what I needed?" Laughing at my own lame pun and warming up my frigid hands I trudged towards the store. Right then I ran into Katherine. She greeted me cheerfully, we talked for a bit and she started walking away. "See you at Friday in the Library." She said turning around making her grey eyes twinkle. She proceeded ahead bouncing her long shiny scarlett hair. She took pride in her hair, as she should. They were undeniably beautiful. While thinking about my essay I went to the store I got the things that I needed and doubled the quantity of the cupcake and hot chocolate succumbing to my sweet tooth. On the spur of the moment the rain stopped. "Oh! Thank heavens!" I squealed loudly, consequently inviting attention, to which I responded with a pleased smile, getting back one or two. On the return journey to my room I then dangled both the grocery bag and umbrella in my hand.

Whilst strutting past the Library entrance was when I caught a glimpse of it. An enthralling flower pot, rooted on the ground serried with primroses, it wasn't there before. The primroses were adorned with a divine, lustrous aura. Something about them was so bewitching that I was glued to the spot I stood in. When one flower fell out of the pot, my legs moved almost magically. I made a sharp and abrupt turn to my left towards them and rashly collided into a person who was passing by. "Oh god there's puddles on the ground, god please save my favourite sky blue coat!" Was all that escaped my mouth. I landed on my side. Oh well well, whoever this person is will be the only one in months to experience my wrath, because normally I'm a lady of poise or at least that i believe. But before I could look up at the person, his head full of golden brown wavy hair bent over to pick up my umbrella and grocery bag which had landed a few feet away. When he uncurled to face me, I first met with his eyes, a sea of honey, making me forget all the alternative and creative swears I had rehearsed in my head. Instead I swore I had seen those pair of eyes somewhere. I studied him in the blink of an eye. He had a roman nose, rosy lips and cheeks. A few strands of his glossy brown hair rested on his forehead and he overflowed with attractive elegance. Stretching his free hand he helped me up and handed me my things. His hand warmed up mind. He whispered inaudibly "Are you okay?"
I nodded my head. He stood firm in his place.
"Primroses." I said and pointed to the flower pot. He glanced at them and back at me smoothly as if they didn't sway him at all.

"A symbol of eternal love. They are very beauteous. Not your fault that you were spellbound." He said, his voice deep like a dark shade of red. Ah! I had never heard a voice so deep yet sweet.

"I still apologize, I shouldn't have turned so suddenly." I said rubbing the back of my head. Wait what? Am i apologizing right now. This man is dangerous.

"No. Don't apologize." He said and smiled revealing his pearly whites and a dimple on his left cheek. God! He should've given me a warning before smiling, he getting more dangerous.

"I am Elysian Daesyn" He said. Thats a beautiful name.

"I am Antheia Deore" I replied.

Just then something cold fell right on my forehead, making me squint my eyes. A soft cotton ball I thought at first then glanced upwards just to see another one approaching. SNOWFLAKES! My eyes and lips spread wide with glee "It's snowing! Oh my god!" I cried out almost forgetting about the man in front of me.
Elysian just gazed at me for a second and burst into thunderous laughter the next. He said "You seem to love snow a lot."
"Yes I do. Is that funny?" I said while trying to catch snowflakes in my hands. His tone indicated amusement. Was he going to call me childish next?

"No, not at all. It's just nice to see someone having fun and being so delighted." He said. Oh! He's not a jerk.

I gave him a warm smile. "So what are you studying?" I asked.

"I'm doing my Masters in World Literature." He answered.

"Oh really? I'm doing the same but I haven't seen you in any seminars." I said furrowing my eyebrows trying to remember him. He presence was too loud to go unnoticed.

"I haven't either. Strange." He said.
I nodded and caught a snowflake. At that moment I felt like I should ask him to be my friend. It wasn't an impulse but a gradually strengthening thought I had since I seen him.
"This may seem weird but I think we could be great friends. We'd get along well." I said out loud without realizing it.

"Not weird at all. I rather think we should be friends. Maybe that is why we met." He said before I could take it back. Well there it goes. Did I regret saying it? Absolutely not.

"But now you should go indoors, or you'll catch a cold." He added looking upwards making my heart warm, he cared for a complete stranger. Even though he didn't feel like a stranger to me, he still was.

"Oh yes the sun is also down. I'll see you around then." I whispered. We smiled greatly at each other and he strode away. I began to comprehend what had happened as I sat down on my knees in front of the flower pot and picked up the one primrose that had fallen down. It was the reason I met someone today. Fishing out a bobby pin from my pocket I pinned the yellow flower in my hair. He was, I realized soon after, the one I saw in my dream. I felt something around him, I had never felt before. A magical feeling of familiarity. The next two days I spent a lot of time with him reading in the Library and discussing our essays. I learned that he was passionate about literature, just like me. I looked forward to getting to know him.

Author's Note

This is a bit raw. Do ignore spelling and grammer mistakes.

Reviews

[Nathan Cavaliere]

A Criticism of All the Colours in One, Chapter Two

Overview

I think you are still doing very well and believe that this story has a lot of potential, but you may be going in the wrong direction with this second chapter. The pacing, characterization, and in some ways even the language use are inconsistent with the first chapter, and not necessarily for the better. I sense that this chapter was a little more “raw”, as you put it, than the first chapter was.

Plot

The pacing in this chapter is a little bizarre and not easy to keep track of. While the previous chapter moved at a relatively steady pace, this one seems to change pacing a lot without much warning. We have a mix here between summaries of months, snapshot flashbacks, summaries of hours, and events being described as they occur This isn’t necessarily a problem, but the fact that the boundaries between time progression aren’t clear can make it hard to process. There were a few times where I had to reread a passage because it didn’t make sense given my interpretation of the pacing. You may want to do some things to further emphasize when a change in time is occurring. Aside from adding in new content, starting a new paragraph when changing time progression or adding in some new punctuation may help clarify this some.

Characters

Some of the characterization we are seeing here from Antheia doesn’t quite line up with the first chapter. In this second chapter we definitely see some suppressed paranoid behaviour from her with her interactions with Olivia that we don’t see with any other character. She claims herself that she “couldn’t trust good people sometimes”, when throughout the entire story she is doing exactly that. During her initial interactions with Olivia, and all of her other interactions with her parents, Katheryne, and the Elysian, she seldom ever expresses any concerns over other’s honesty, and when she does it is always mild and common. We are told she is suspicious but it doesn’t really show up meaningfully in her behaviour. You may either want to drop that bit, or go with it and have her be less cheerful, because as of now that entire first paragraph we as readers have to pass off as an error.

Also, what is with this Elysian guy? That whole interaction between Athaneia and Elysian seems unrealistic. She meets him, and instantly trusts him and finds him perfect before he has done much of anything? “A magical feeling of familiarity”? That sort of thing has never happened to me, I have never heard about it occurring to anyone I knew, nor have I heard of, in non-fiction or fiction, something like that forming over an instant. Something isn’t right here. His behaviour and appearance seems so in accordance with Athanei’s idea of perfection that it almost seems studied. Rehearsed. Something about this man is too uncanny to seem natural. I am incredibly suspicious of him, and strongly expect that some underhanded behaviour is afoot for him to know exactly what to do.

If you are trying to make the interaction between Athaneia and Elysian seem more real and relatable, you may not want to have him appear in such perfect appearance and behaviour. As of now the way that things went felt a little too scripted, which in an otherwise realistic story breeds a lot of source for concern.

I still like the characterization of Athaneia and Olivia though. The things we are learning about Olivia raise more questions than answers, and it makes her seem like a deep character. I do feel sympathy for her, even if she comes across as a little dark and brooding. Athaneia too seems like an enjoyable and understandable person to be around. Overall the characterization has not been too bad for our two main characters.

Language

You yourself mentioned that the grammar was a bit raw. Although the spelling is fine, the syntax and punctuation are not the easiest to understand. The syntax is inconsistent and abrupt. I noticed several times when the subject was changed before it seemed like the previous thought was ended. A few sentences here too are also very long, and seem to actually be touching on multiple subjects which are loosely related at the same time. You may want to work on adding in punctuation, especially commas and periods, to separate out your thoughts a little more. The paragraphs are also a little long too, and should probably be split up to increase fluency.

Your descriptions are still lovely though, and I do like how vivid of an image they give. It feels very immersive and emotional. If the language was clarified some, I would imagine that it could be a very engrossing read. Don’t get me wrong, I do like your writing style, and find it probably the best of the contemporary authors I have read from, but bad grammar can spoil it for anyone.

Verdict

This story has a lot of potential, but in its current form it doesn’t feel fully developed. In literature, language use and grammatical structure are the vehicle through which the story is told. Flawed language use can really throw of a story that would otherwise be excellent. With a little more editing I think you get something really good here.

[Sunshine]

Thank you sooooo much for your kind review. There is really so much that you noticed was wrong which i couldn't before. I would love to inform you that i have took a break from this novel or just gave up on it for now. And I am doing some writing exercises to make me understand some things that I clearly don't. This chapter was written long back. And I think I have progressed a little bit. I have studied a lot methods that work for a good novel and for me. This novel lacks many simple things like propper planning, a premise, or a structure. And I am surely working on improving on all those aspects. I would like to thank you again for this amazing review I would definitely keep all these things in mind while writing my next work.

[Sunshine]

And I am also sorry for disappointing you with this chapter. You saw potential in the first one and then this was just so rushed and the complete opposite of the first. I will try to get back to writing as soon as possible and then start publishing again.

[Nathan Cavaliere]

I see. I can understand why you might see this story as lacking in narrative structure, and wish to move unto something different. Be assured that you didn't dissapoint me though, it is only natural for one to make mistakes like that. I look forward to seeing some of your future writings in different areas! I am glad to have helped.