Chapter 4

This is where Akira comes into the story more and wants to know more about Keera and why she is so cold.

After getting over my little shock, I walk over to the boy. Standing in front of him, I notice both of his eyes are amber like mine.
"Well I see your all healed, no need for my help anymore." I say without looking in his eyes.
"Thank you for helping me miss." the boy says while staring at my eyes. Ughh now I know why I hate people.
"Your welcome, now get out." I say coldly.
"What is that anyway to treat a person you helped." The boy said with an emotion I couldnt place.
"Well I helped you, now your fine. So you can leave my place." I say getting irriated that hes still here.
"At least tell me your name." He pleads giving me puppy dog eyes. That is so childish, and I hate when people do that.
"If I tell you my name will you leave."
"Yes, Ill even tell you mine."
"Fine. Its keera, now get out." I yell at the boy. I am beyond pissed.
The guy got up and walked to the door. When he got to the door, he turned to face me.
"Im Akira." with that said he vanished in thin air. 

Akira's POV
     That Keera girl sure is cold. But when she was helping me she seemed sweet. What is up with the bipolar attiude. What startles me the most is her eyes are the same as mine. I teleport to my room and flop on my black satin bed. She sure is a huge puzzle, I have to learn more about this girl.
     The next morning I wake up to screaming, things breaking, and people running around. Ughh probably somebody chasing Cassidy around. I try sitting up but my body wont move. I lift my head up and notice Im wrapped up in bubble wrap. Im going to kill that little brat.
"CCCCCAAAAAASSSSSIIIIIDDDDDYYYYY!" I scream out. I hear a giant thump and then my door opening to reveal a red headed boy holding a black headed boy. The red head, Rebel, starts laughing while Cass smirks.
"Get.Me.Out.Now." I seeth threw my teeth. Oh when I get my hands on Cass hes going to be found tied to the eiffel tower naked. Rebel lets go of Cass and he gets me out of the bubble wrap cocoon. When I can stand that little s**t turns into a cat and makes a dash for it. I so do not feel like chasing that s**t. I feel like going to get some breakfast today.
      I heard that theres a good cafe not to far from the girls apartment. I have decided to go there.
When I get to my familys garage I head to my street car. Its a Mitsubishi GT 5000.
      I jump in speeding out of the garage. 5 minutes later I park infront of the cafe. Once I get inside, I notice Keera working. I sit near the back window and look over the menu. I immediatly notice that they serve my all time fave. steak and eggs. 
    Well now that I know where she works I can intoragate her workers for more information about her. What do you know, shes coming over to take my order.
"Hello sir, what can I get you." Keera asks in a cold voice.
"Steak and Eggs. Steak rare, eggs over easy, toast white, and black coffee." I reply back in the same tone, why is she so cold. Oh well I will find out soon enough.

Reviews

[Perfume]

Okay, I’m going to go through this and mention some things that stuck out to me.
First, Keera's not sure what type of car she have? Is it a Lamborghini or not? I feel like that’s something Keera should know. Especially because a Lamborghini is not a cheap car. :]
The details about the stereo seem a little unnecessary. You’ve already established and re-established that Keera is rich. So we don’t need excessive reminders and those details don’t seem to serve a purpose.

Okay, I know what’s going on here now.
You’re using all these details of what she’s buying and what she’s looking at to giver her depth, right? You’re using that to describe her personality. But that’s not what makes a person. That’s not what lets the reader understand her, feel her, know her. Right now, she is no one to me. She’s a one-dimensional drawing with a title underneath. Instead of listing her favorite things, her belongings, the things she keeps in her car, in her room, in her purse… tell us what she keeps in her mind, her heart, her journals. I want to feel like I’m walking right beside her, conversing with her, listening to her, and talking back. Make her real to me. Do you know what I mean?

And not just with Keera either. The boys she sees, all I know about them is what they look like. And that I’ll probably forget within the next chapter. Give me something beyond tangible, something I can relate to them. I want to feel them, physically and emotionally, as if they were standing beside me.

Think of it like this, you are these characters’ mother. You’re giving birth to them. You’re watching them grow, telling them what to do what not to do, how to behave, forming their personalities, shaping their lives. Imagine these are your children. Yea, you can dress them up and dye their hair, but what’s most important is how you let them live. How you let them grow. Let them grow. Let your characters become whoever they feel like being. But show us who that is.

The conversation between her and the boy felt childish. You have a teenager as your MC, and she needs to feel that maturity, unless there’s a reason she doesn’t. But so far, that reason doesn’t exist. So make her act like a teenager. Give her that mind. Give her depth. The teenage years are when we find our way, let her find her way. Show us that.

Your plot is steady. And I’m enjoying the story. You have a gift in storytelling, as I’ve said. But character wise, you need to breathe them in a little bit more. I’m missing that connection.
Take some time to figure out who your characters are. And then go back and try to show that within the story.