I saved a vampires life; now he wont leave me alone chapter 1

Opening chapter that tells about Keera what she looks like.

        My name is Keera, I am 17 and a half years old. I have light purple hair that goes to my shoulders. My eyes are the color of amber. I am about 5'4" and 120 pounds. I have no family or friends. My parents died when I was six, and my older brother Danny died on my birthday this year. I have no friends because I don't want any. They will only leave me in the end. I live on my own in a small apartment in Salkola, New Jersey.

        I work at a small Cafe that is three blocks from my home. I don't go to school anymore, graduated early. My family left me a lot of money, but I like working at the Cafe. Plus I love chatting with the elders.

"Keera, dear." Mrs. Shanz called.

"Hey Mrs. Shanz, what can I get you?" I ask while holding my pad out.

"Tuna on a croisant, tea with lemon, and a slice of rasberry pie." Mrs. Shanz says sweetly.

"Coming right up." I say while twirling around.

I love my job, it is so much fun. I'm only nice to senior citizens, if it is anybody else I am cold and distant. I grab Mrs. Shanz tea and start heading back over to her.

"Here's your tea. So how are things doing back at home?" I ask while smiling.

"Oh good. Still trying to move on from the death of my husband. We have been married 65 years, but dated for five years before marrying.  I loved every minute I was with him. Now hes not here and it hurts everyday." Mrs. Shanz says sorrow in her words and face.

"Sorry to hear that. I am still trying to get over the death of my brother." I say sadly.

Mrs. Shanz food was done so I brought it out to her. She's the last costumer of the day like always. Tommorow is my last day of work, before the start of my two week vacation.

"Thank you, deary." Mrs. Shanz says while I place her food down.

"No problem, Mrs. Shanz." I say while walking to the back. I fill my cup up with water and chug it. I look at the clock and it says 5 P.M., I head back out and give Mrs. Shanz her reciept. I am about to walk away but she calls out to me.

"Here you are." Mrs. Shanz hands me a wad of bills. After staring at it for a minute, I run after Mrs. Shanz.

"Mrs. Shanz, I am sorry but I can not accept this much money." I say while trying to give her back the money, she just smacks my hand away.

"Of course you can deary. Now put that towards you and not in a college fund." Mrs. Shanz scolds me. I give her the hugest huge while thanking her a million times. After I am done she walks out, going home.

         An hour later I am heading to my home to clean up. My apartment is not that big and does not have much. It has one bedroom, a small kitchen, no dinning room, a small bathroom, and a big living room. In the bedroom is a queen sized matress on the floor, clean and dirty clothes all over the floor. The closet is alot worse then the bedroom. The kitchen has barely any food or appliances other than an oven and fridge. The living room has a 42" TV, one wore out couch, a boombox with a crap load of CD's and DVD's all over the floor. I like my place messy, plus its not like people come over anyways.

         When I enter my apartment, I close the door and strip. I stopped in the kitchen and grabbed a premade tuna sandwich to eat while heading to the bathroom. After I finish my dinner, I hop in the shower. I turn the hot water all the way up and let it caress me in its hug. I love taking hot showers. It burns away all my pain and suffering for the time being. 10 minutes later I am done in the bathroom, and run to my bedroom to find an outfit to wear. Its 8 P.M., and I want to go to the mall to buy some more anime and CD's. Mrs. Shanz gave me about 5,000 dollars to spend. I hate spending it, but she told me to, and I will do as she wishes.

            I go into my closet and see the perfect outfit. A black corset shirt with laces stitched to the front, with black and purple baggy pants, a pair of black combat boots, and my favorite black coat. To top it all off I had my necklace with a miny handcuffs on it. After I changed I started to head to the garage.

 

 

 

            

Author's Note

Can you please let me know if i made any grammer mistakes and mehicanical problems. What do you think of the story so far.

Reviews

[Perfume]

This was very... lined. Unfilled, but too shallow.
You have an eye for storytelling, but your mind has some catching up to do.
Keep the character interesting. Giver her depth, dexterity, freedom. Let her grab you by the hand and pull you into her. Don't drag, never drag a character. Right now she feels too much like an ideal of yours, a dream of who you want to be. Which is fine, some of the best works have come from dreams. But you need to grit this down a bit, scrub it, and stain it. It's too clean. Too perfect. Vampires are passion, lust, angst, fear, hard, edgy. I'm assuming by the title, this is a vampire story, and in that case, you need to dirty this just a bit. Mary Sue's won't fly here. Clip their wings and teach them to walk. You know?
The story is interesting. I was disappointed it ended so soon. :] But take some time to learn about your characters, who they want to be. Not just who you want to be.
Keep writing. I look forward to more!

[Alaska]

Very purple. Gave me a headache. Good story though! I agreed with Perfume, I think the character could be more developed. Grammar and spelling? That's what editors are for. Also, writing in first person is perfectly fine as long as you stay with that. Using I too much is only bad if it is A) Not first person and it isn't dialogue or B) you are writing an essay.

[Tina Genick]

So far it sounds pretty good only the part about receiving a 5000 dollar tip is a little unbelievable. I cant say about the grammar because I myself have issues with that in my own writing lol..thank god for spell check at least. It's interesting that you are writing in the first person the only advice I can offer is something my english teacher told me many moon's ago as Im 33yrs old now lol.. is watch the "I" in other words try not to use I so much. I do like the story line and will continue to read! :)

[savdbylove]

as always some grammatical errors :P but that's wat i love about ur writing...if u want me to actually correct some of the mistakes, email it to me n then i'll email it back :) over all it's good tho. great start in my opinion.