It Hurts To Be A Coward

There was once a girl I liked, the most beautiful girl I ever saw.

She wasn't perfect, no she's far from that, but I liked her.

If only I could've told her that before I lost her.

I was a boring person that's for sure, watching japanese cartoons with giggly high pitched girls in them. It was weird.

But she laughed when she watched them. And when she does my heart skips a beat.

I love it when she laughs.

Then she'd sit beside me, ask for the title, and watch it with me through the small screen of my phone.

"It's funny." she says.

You're right Gabrielle, it made me laugh. But not because I watched it, but because you were close to me.

When I read books she'd cover them with the palm of her hand to grab my attention.

"Whatcha readin?" she asks.

The same book I've been reading for months, I'd reply.

She asks me for a summary.

I give her what she wants.

She smiles.

I got what I want.

When we went hiking to a watershed she nearly slipped on a slippery rock. I held her hand, refusing to let go.

The teacher asked me to stick with her, as it might not be safe.

I was delighted.

we kept talking all the way, and I sang Gangnam Style as the drizzle began.

I could feel her hand tightening every time she laughs.

I like her, I told my friends.

Then tell her! they answered.

I can't what if she doesn't feel the same way, I replied.

Then suck it up! they answered.

I asked my best friend what she thought.

It hurts to be a coward, was her only reply.

One day, I was sitting on my chair, flipping off my friends as they began to squeak when Gabrielle sat near me.
I was so tempted to tell her I liked her.

To ask if she liked me too.

But I remained silent.

Up until graduation I could never tell her how I feel.

After graduation she texted me.

So I heard from my friends you liked me, is it true? she asked.

Yes, since 2nd year. I answered. The first time I've been honest with my feelings for her.

Dude, you should've told me. She answered.

I saw her in a run down restaurant near where my college is. She wanted to hear it from me personally.

I like you, I have for a long time now. I told her.

She purses her lips.

You should've manned up. she said.

We talk a bit, but I was cursing myself in my head.

She leaves.

I text her-

I hate to ask you this but do you feel the same way about me too?

No, she replies. You're a good person, but no. I'm wearing the pants here aren't I?

My heart sinks, but I'm glad to know.
Now I can give up on her.

I can give up now.

How do I give her up?

I saw in a facebook post my friend tagged me that she already had a boyfriend.

My heart fluttered, not because of jealousy, but because of happiness.

She finally got someone who's brave enough to love her, someone who's not afraid to tell her what he felt for her.

Someone a hundred times better than I will ever be.

She found her love. And it's not me.
Why am I so happy?

Shouldn't I feel despair?

She's not mine to begin with.

Then why am I longing for her as if I lost her?

Oh, so this is what my best friend meant.

The hurt that comes from the realization that it could've been me if I only told her in the beginning.

Damn it, it hurts, it really does.

She kept me going when I wanted to give up, she doesn't know it but I made her my role model for what kind of person I should be.

The kind of person that she would've loved.

It hurts.

It really hurts to be a coward.

Author's Note

This is an actual story of my life. Feel free to tell me what a coward I am :D

Reviews

[CarlyFlower]

This was so sweet... Even though I knew from the title that you weren't going to get her, I was totally rooting you on. Those stages of liking someone are some of the most exciting... Never knowing what the future holds for the two of you... You seem so sweet, and dorky. That's a great thing!

[Vic]

I really liked the story. The structure worked well and it was very clear.