Fictional

So many thoughts

Have you ever cried before?
Of course, right?
I'm not the only one who thinks about things
things that I want to be in my forever
things from the past
being scared about how I'm going to hold my future.
What I'm going to look like?

Just forget it.
thinking compulsively is my Perfection.
the only thing I've perfected.

I have this crazy dream,
where I'm a real woman of my word.
hoping, having that fairy tale man after my wedding.
Wishing he'd be one from High school.
One I've connected with on a personal level

Every other tear I shed.
Isn't him.
maybe another.
this one or that one.
Maybe he isn't even apart of that 1%

just a fictional dream, right?
Like when I wake up.
He wont be there

Like when I wake up 10 years from now.
I'll still be uncovering, alone.

Like college was full of the guys

I forgot about freshman year.
Just 10 years older, right?

Like when you grow up.
You realize life.
and your not not knowing anymore.

your there.
and getting smarter
about how the world turns
who turns tricks
and who get turned in the process

Don't ever realize ,
you've been missing it all along.
that that one you have been so close with,

could be him.
Like the very first time you saw each other
and thought, wow
or thought you'd never think about them. Like you are now.

Maybe your thinking it won't be real when they're gone

but you won't forget, will you?
worrying the other person will say they wont forget you

but you worry and think that they don't ever think of you,
like they say they do.

Man, men are so hard to figure out.
the whole topic, sends my head into a massive
never ending
life time of tears
heartache
and headaches
that not even Advil can cure.
wanting to be imperfect, just to know
that maybe he'll think you prefect.

No one can be perfect, even trying
makes you try harder, making you look
even more imperfect.

Just stop.
you see how deep he makes you go.
making you try to perfect yourself.

even when he's looking at you from across the room.
thinking," What's he thinking, will he come over?"
wondering if you have something on your dress
and face
even your teeth.
trying to play the key
where you don't look interested.
but worrying that even if you do that
he wont be interested because you don't look it.

worrying he won't work up the courage to see you over to the couch. to talk.
worrying he may not be the one.

Like searching for so long, going on the dates friends give you, just to have you end up
in front of your place.
saying goodnight, and giving that hallow kiss on the lips

the one that says, On to the next one.

Like when you wake up
and turn over, he'll be there.
like looking into his eyes
you wonder, what took so long?
where were you, when I was going to dates
with guys I didn't even know.

Where were you to hold me up,
where were you when I was in high school?

being happily married
is a true trick.
something that takes longer,
than till death do us part.

Take longer, than
you ever thought possible.

You have a life of worries ahead,
Like my sister says.
Don't worry about it.
too late.

I'm going to be awaiting my white horse and carriage
hoping that right now, prince charming will be there.

But I know he won't be
I just have to wait for that.

Wait awhile.
just show me to the subway
that's my carriage for my present.

because my dreams
are only fictional.
and will always be fictional

they're just compulsive thoughts.
that I've perfected
Fictional, never sounded so good right now.